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Kaley
Just Said Yes December 2021

Save the Dates - Disinvite a Relative

Kaley, on February 25, 2021 at 11:21 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 27
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My fiance and I planned to get married in Sept 2020, and due to covid we moved the wedding to Sept 2021. We sent out save the dates in 2020 as a New Year card in 2020. And with covid, we had sent out change the dates also in 2020.

I have one cousin, who has extremely different political and racial beliefs than me and my fiance. My fiance and I are liberal, however we respect people who do have differences of opinions of us. This one cousin specifically is popular on Twitter, has gone on several TV shows such as Tucker Carlson, and has continued to spread lies, misinformation, and has tweeted out several tweets that are racist, homophobic, and just outright inappropriate. Our values and beliefs could not be more opposite of hers, and it has gotten to a point where the thought of her at my wedding literally makes my blood boil.

We haven't sent out formal invites yet, and only sent out save the dates and change the dates which she was included in (my parents choice not mine). But what I have seen and heard come out of her mouth for the past year and a half have just been disgusting a foul, and even though we have not sent out formal invites yet, I do not want her at my wedding.

Since she was included in save and change the dates, I do not know how to proceed after this. We do not have a relationship really, and only see each other at major life events (weddings and funerals).

Is it completely uncalled for to uninvite her? Or is it uninviting if we never sent out formal invites? I feel like it still needs to be addressed since she was included in save and change the dates. But both my fiance and myself are extremely uncomfortable with her being there. Help?

27 Comments

Latest activity by Natalie, on April 15, 2021 at 1:00 AM
  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I think how you handle this comes down to your comfort level and the amount of risk you want to take. If you do not want to be confrontational about the issue, you could simply not send a formal invite to her and hope she gets the unspoken message. This option comes with the risk of her showing up anyway though, as she has already received the save the date and change the dates and is aware of the when/where of your wedding, and may just assume she is invited. If she is aware other family members have received their invitations and she hasn’t received one, she may get the hint that she is not invited, OR she may think her invitation was simply lost in the mail (as that does happen frequently) and still show up. The only sure fire way to ensure she’s not at your wedding would be to address the situation with her directly. I know that would likely be very uncomfortable, but if you think her presence at your wedding would ruin the experience for you and your fiancé, it is worth the discomfort now to avoid if on your wedding day.
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  • Jess
    Devoted May 2021
    Jess ·
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    Most of my family is total opposite of my views and beliefs, but I don't see it as grounds to not invite them. If I did that, I would have none of my family at my wedding. I don't agree with them on anything really, but they are still my family. I get where you are coming from and understand not wanting them to show up and cause any issues with other guests though. Is this something you have spoken with other family about?

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  • Kaley
    Just Said Yes December 2021
    Kaley ·
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    I agree with what you’re saying. We still will have many family members there who have different political beliefs than us. I guess it’s more of her job is to be on Twitter and go on these shows to spread lies, racism and homophobia, which is why we are both so uncomfortable with it. And we will have different people of color, sexual orientations, etc at our wedding and if anyone recognizes for who she is, we just don’t want to be associated with that. If that makes sense.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    If you don't feel comfortable or safe inviting this person, then that is your choice. You should not have to be on edge at your own party just to please someone else.

    Usually an invitation needs to be sent follow a save the date but an exception can be made in this case.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    Not inviting her after you sent her a Save The Date could cause big drama from other family members. Can you put her at a table with her family and more conservative guests?


    Like many couples, we have a wide friends & family list. We grouped like-minded guests together by tables (liberal, conservative, artists, salespeople/very outgoing) and everyone got along great!
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  • Jess
    Devoted May 2021
    Jess ·
    • Flag

    Yeah I get that. I had a harsh conversation with my immediate family that I will not tolerate any hateful comments or gestures towards our guests and if I see/hear about it, I will ask them to leave. If you do decide to dis-invite her, I might use it as opportunity to explain to her why and let her know that you do not tolerate her behavior.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Most people will likely keep their mouths closed when in a public/social situation. If she’s uncomfortable she might just leave early which would be fine.


    We had very liberal gay friends and very religious conservative friends at ours, grouped by tables, and I’m happy to report no food fights or other inappropriate behavior ensued. 😉
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I hear what you are saying. This is a very different situation than just "political differences." It sounds like this is someone who has made a career our of spreading hate and lies. I wouldn't want to associate with that person either.

    So, while it remains true that it's polite for everyone who gets a save the date should get an invitation, it's completely fine to recognize the consequences of not inviting her, accept them, and follow your gut. It doesn't matter what she thinks about being invited, since you don't value her opinion. Other people who you do care about might also have a problem with it and you will have to make your peace with that.

    The longer we all tolerate (or appear to tolerate) hateful, cruel, and immoral people, the longer they will have power.

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    This 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Agree with this

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  • Kaley
    Just Said Yes December 2021
    Kaley ·
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    Thank you! I agree with this and is making me feel more at ease with my decision. I know I may/will get backlash from other family members in doing this, but it's really not up to them on how my wedding day should be. I appreciate everyone's advice and insights!

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with this. I have family and friends who are invited who do not share the same opinions and beliefs as me and some are vocal about their opinions and beliefs on social media. I see it as it's my wedding not a job interview so I don't really use people's social media against them unless I know they are the type of person to cause problems. I see it as this if you know she is going to be a problem at the wedding with cramming her views down everyones throats then don't send her an invite and see if she gets the hint. If she isn't one who is going to try all night at the wedding telling people why their beliefs are wrong then I say let her come.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I get that you don't want to be associated with this person however it is not like she became this way overnight. She clearly has been like this for a while to be invited on a talk show. I had a relative that was racist and once I became an adult and realized how horrible this person was I immediately exed them out my life. You probably should have done the same when she started being like that regardless of how your parents felt. Sometimes in life we have to go against the family for what we feel is right.
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    This really depends on your tolerance and boundaries. Personally, I wouldn’t want any association with someone like that. If they radicalize more, then there’s photos of them at your wedding? It could actually really negatively affect you in the future depending on your professional life as well as theirs.
    • Reply
  • Kaley
    Just Said Yes December 2021
    Kaley ·
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    That's a good point. And with her recent TV appearances it seems like she is getting bigger and more well known. Thanks for your input!

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  • Kaley
    Just Said Yes December 2021
    Kaley ·
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    I knew she was conservative, but I didn't know it was to this extreme. I actually didn't even know she had this huge following or huge Twitter until recently. One of my cousins brought it up to me a year ago and I have been following over the past year, and just reading and seeing everything she posts and lies she spreads has crossed a line now. My parents agree with me but would rather not have family drama, which I agree with them to an extent. Just the thought of seeing her at my wedding makes my skin crawl lol

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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Normally I would say to trust adults to act like adults in social situations but this case seems to be different. If you think things could get explosive, it could get very bad for you.
    Twitter personalities thrive on stirring up outrage, and this person has at least minor celebrity status among certain circles. I would be concerned they use your wedding for fodder on Twitter. Once the mob is unleashed, you could quickly find yourself doxxed, and if they have any unhinged fans, that could be dangerous.
    If you
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Stick to your plan no matter what. Don't invite her. With you and her not being that close and then her toxic behavior, sounds like she really has no place at your wedding. I'd not send her an invite, if you want to maybe make something up to her like that because of covid you have decided to cut the guest list again. Or something like that. Whatever you choose to do good luck and I hope everything works out
    • Reply
  • Sara M
    Dedicated June 2022
    Sara M ·
    • Flag
    Don’t invite her! And you don’t need to confront her!
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Couldn't possibly have said it better.

    (Also, only have people at your wedding that you feel safe around and supported by.)

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