SAHM Guilt

FH tells me not to worry- that what we have going works. But there is a piece of me that still feels so guilty. I'm not going crazy with the spending and planning, but I can't shake this feeling.

(Sorry it's so long, I just needed to get this off my chest)

Don't do this to yourself. Think of it this way- if he had to pay for childcare, how much would that take from his pay cheque? That is the only part of the value you bring to the relationship. Add in the extra money you earn from caring for the other children. Add in the extra costs that the family would incur if you took a job outside the home- increased costs for travel, clothing, makeup, lunches, likely more takeout or convenience foods, even less time to spend together because you both would have to be doing housework, laundry etc when you are off work.

You absolutely should not feel guilty! He knew before hand he would contribute more to bills, outings, and now the wedding.

Honestly a lot of sah moms don't even do side jobs (I know I won't someday) so take it easy on yourself.

Maybe if this is bothering you, try to dedicate more time to starting up your business? Good luck!

I hear you. I was a SAHM but recently started working part time for this reason. He didn't want me to and honestly, after daycare, it's not much extra money

I'm a stay at home mom. Me and the FH had a talk in the beginning of the relationship(couple yrs ago) that he would much rather me stay home and spend time with my son (3 now) then go work and not have time to spend with him. Obviously the plan will be to start work when he starts going to school but we both agreed it would be better for me to be home with him and raise him then someone else.

I too am a SAHM and it's tough at times to not feel guilty that FH pays in my case everything. With the wedding it's even more now but I will say being a SAHM is no easy task and you have to remember you contribute in many other ways that save money in the big picture.

Thanks ladies. I think I honestly just needed to hear it from someone else. I've thought about getting a job but as you all said after looking at the pros and cons I know for us I'm doing the right thing. I just feel guilty looking at the money we are looking to spend on the wedding. This isn't my first wedding, so honestly I would have been happy eloping, but FH would never agree to that!

I don't understand the your money, my money concept. I earn more, but I look at our incomes as "ours". I consider us as one, therefore the money no matter how it is earned is as one as well.

Wellllll....I don't even have kids yet, but I'm a....I don't know, house fiance? Lol. I make very little money overall, though I do some part time ubering in order to pay for some of the wedding expenses. That's a personal choice though and I can quit whenever I want.

I do have things I'm passionate about that I'm trying to pursue, but I'm not making any money off of them, and probably won't end up having a full time career in them either since I don't have a degree, though it would be cool if I could eventually make some money off of self employment. Doubtful. Honestly, he doesn't mind, though. He's really passionate about his career and is motivated, and is really happy for me that I don't have to be miserable in a job I hate. So, don't feel bad, seriously. Being a parent is a full time job, and I think there's too much pressure nowadays for parents to be dual income, but it's honestly nice for the kids when they can have a parent around. I think it's awesome that he's supportive.

Child care is SO expensive. My sister works full time and basically her whole pay check goes to child care for 2 kids, and she is essentially working for the insurance (because hers is a bit better than her H's insurance). There is a monetary value to the mom work you are doing!

Okay, let's start at the foundation. Feminism, in it's most pure form, is about CHOICE. There were plenty of women in the 50's, 60's, and 70's who didn't really have a choice when it came to career vs. homemaking. However, you are one of the lucky ladies who lives in a generation in which that battle has been waged...and for the most part...won. If it makes sense to you, your budget, your lifestyle, and your desire, then you have every right to stay home and raise your children.

So, that's what you're doing. Make no mistake -- being a SAHM is one hell of a daunting task, and fulfilling that role leaves you without a lot of the perks your career sisters enjoy. It's a tough job, an often boring job, but like all moms, you get to enjoy lots of rewards.

This is one issue, but it has no connection to wedding planning. You and your FH have a child -- a daughter. Your CHOICE is to stay at home and raise the child, one on one, until she is an independent woman. Contributing to a one day affair, regardless of how special it is, has nothing to do with the day to day work you are doing.

You are a team. You are parents. You've discussed this, and you've both decided that this is the situation that works the best for you, for him, and for your daughter. Worrying about contributing to a wedding fund when what you're contributing to is the full-time care of your daughter makes no sense.

Sure...pick up a few dollars here and there where you can, but don't ever feel that your choice to be a SAHM has robbed the wedding coffers of a few bucks that could provide wedding perks. Remember, the team (you and your FH) are responsible for inviting the number of guests that you can both host well with good food, good drinks, and entertainment. That's it.

You're fine, and if you wrote a post telling us that he was all pissed off about the apparent inequity of financial contributions meant for your wedding, my response would have been far different than this one (which is, "relax...you're doing a job that has more importance than you could prematurely realize. One day, he'll sit across the table from his daughter -- a grown woman -- and he'll be blown away by who she is, and that realization, dear lady, will be your reward. He won't give a single thought to the amount of money you contributed, years earlier, to your wedding. It won't mean a thing. Carry on.).