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Devoted August 2020

Rsvps came back “declined” with money

Valerie, on April 21, 2021 at 9:49 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 22
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We sent out our invites and we’ve received 2 so far marked “declines with regret” and check: cash included along with handwritten notes on the back of our RSVP card. I have a few questions and I am not certain how etiquette would apply.


1) How soon should we write thank you cards? My hubby said wait till after the wedding which is still 8 weeks away when we write all the thank yous. I suggested a week or two after we received their declines since I don’t want to cash a check and not write a thank you right away. Thoughts on this?
2) Just for peace of mind, is this the standard for declining and sending cash/ check with a note on the RSVP cards or were these exceptions? I always thought you should still send a wedding/ congrats card with a note and cash/ check if not attending. That’s what we did when we couldn’t attend a wedding a few years ago. We marked “declines” and sent back and then timed out a wedding/ congrats card right around the time of the wedding. I was surprised to see wishes being written on the back of our rsvp card. Isn’t it a bit tacky not to just send a separate card?

22 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs. Coakley, on April 25, 2021 at 11:27 AM
  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    You need to send thank you notes immediately. Never wait to send a thank you note.
    And there is nothing wrong with the person sending a check with a written note on the back of the RSVP. Especially considering we are in the middle of a pandemic maybe they weren’t comfortable going to the store just to buy a card to send a check in.

    “Isn’t it a bit tacky not to just send a separate card?” Nope, the tacky part is questioning how a person sent you a gift that they didn’t have to send you in the first place.
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  • Lisa
    Legend July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    1. I would send the thank you note immediately! That way, the sender knows you received it and that it wasn't lost in the mail, and it's less thank you notes that you have to write later.


    2. I'm not sure what's typical - I don't think that it's a bad thing for them to write a message on the RSVP card, since they have to send the card back to you anyway. Even if they decline, they are not obligated to send money, though it's definitely a kind thing to do! I think the important thing is that they took the time to write a thoughtful note on the RSVP card (and also that they sent money too), and I personally would just be thankful for that! Many times, people just decline with no note and do not send money or gifts.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    1) send a thank you card ASAP


    2) I don’t know what the standard is but we didn’t get gifts or cards from anyone who declined our wedding and we’ve never sent a gift or card for a wedding we’ve declined. If we had to decline a wedding for a close friend or family member I’d still send a gift, but all weddings we’ve declined have been for distant cousins or co-workers/acquaintances. I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to label the way someone wishes you well/gifts you as tacky.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree with all of this. Also, gifts aren't mandatory in general, and especially not when declining. We had a few relatives who has to decline but sent us a check along with the RSVP. I think 1 or maybe 2 sent an actual separate card. Other people regretfully declined and just wrote a little "congratulations" note on the rsvp card, which I thought was also sweet.
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  • Stacey
    Super May 2021
    Stacey ·
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    Send thank you notes right away. If I didn't get a note until two months later, I would first worry about whether it had been lost or stolen, and then feel like the gift wasn't appreciated.

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  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    Writing their note on the RSVP is not tacky but it is informal. Nothing wrong with that.


    Agree with others, send thank you's ASAP.
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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    Send your thank you cards ASAP.

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  • L
    Lady ·
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    Send thank you notes right now!!!

    It's definitely more typical to decline and then send a separate card closer to the wedding, but it's not rude or anything to do it the way these people did. Thank them immediately though, that's a no brainer - it's always frustrating when someone doesn't acknowledge a gift right away, mostly because I want to make sure you actually got it! And you're right, it seems a little tacky to cash a check before you send a thank you, but I would also hate to have a check outstanding for more than about a week.

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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I agree with everyone else (except your future spouse, ha!) that you should send thank you note as soon as possible for every gift received. This is a kindness to the giver (so they know it was received) AND to you (so you don't have to keep it on your to do list/worry about forgetting it).

    As for sending a gift with a decline, you are mistaken that there is any kind of standard around this. There might be some regional/family customs, but the only actual etiquette rule is to send a timely decline to any invitation you can't accept. It's polite to send a gift, to not send a gift, to send a card, or to not send a card.

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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    I ordered thank you cards and they’ll be here tomorrow. Wasn’t expecting to have them ready so soon but I’ll get them out this week!
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    Sending a thank you this week! Just ordered the ty cards! I still think it’s tacky to not include a separate card Smiley smile I’m not going to keep my rsvp cards but I’ll keep my wedding cards lol
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    I agree! I am grateful for their kind words which I will mention in the thank you card to them. I just thought it was a bit strange to write it on the rsvp, that’s all.
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    I would never bring up their tackiness to them. Hubby and I just mentioned in among ourselves and I brought it up here on the forum for some insight if this was typical. We would have just bought a card.
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    I hear ya! I’m on it! Will send out this week.
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    Sending thank yous this week! Definitely appreciate their words and generosity. Just thought it was strange why you wouldn’t send a formal card with your wishes.
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  • Michelle
    Champion December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Just because you might have done something differently does not make their action rude in this situation. Just send a thank you card immediately, then cash the check but do not spend it until after the wedding.
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    Ok I will!
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  • V
    Devoted August 2020
    Valerie ·
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    Oh I definitely don’t find it rude. I was just surprised as when you send your wishes to someone on their special day you typically buy a card to Mark the occasion. If I’m declining a baby shower invite I don’t Mark “no” and proceed to write a note on the back saying congrats but I can’t make it. To each their own.
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    I bet they were thinking “Better not forget to go to the store to buy a card....hmmmm...let me write a check right now and then I won’t forget, I’ll just put it right in here!” They aren’t the ones putting together a major social event so probably weren’t thinking “etiquette” like we do when we are planning. Their thought process was probably more like “I want to wish them well, here’s a good time!”
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  • Catherine
    Expert March 2023
    Catherine ·
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    Send a thank you card out NOW! And I’m not sure! If we decline a wedding we never send a wedding card. And didn’t have it happen for my first wedding either
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