rsvp etiquitte

Hey Stephanie,

A sticky situation indeed! I don't know if this RSVP deadline of approx 3 months would work. So many things can change and come up which would affect a guest's rsvp. It's lovely that you've found venues you really like, but with these minimums, it always poses some issues. For you, the big thing is that the majority of your guests are out of state. If you don't mind me asking, what's the actual number of guests to be attending? I mean you guests can say "yeah, for sure we'll be there", but then they can change their minds for various reasons. Can't afford to travel, can't take time off work. Kids, etc. These are things I'd be wary about in your situation. There's nothing to say you can't demand an early rsvp deadline, but it probably will be inaccurate. One thing I've come to realize is that you should never pick a venue to small to accommodate all your guests. You would of had to analyze your guest list and choose the best ceremony and reception location depending on your numbers... so this is a sticky situation where you must have 30 exactly.

All I can do is explain what happened to my friends when they tried to do this. They had a February wedding in a wintery area with the bride’s entire guest list traveling from 1,000+ miles away. They sent out invites in October with an RSVP date of November. They had a 150 person minimum to meet for a Saturday night at their venue. After the RSVP date, they had only gotten about 30% of the RSVPs back so they had to reach out to a lot of people. Between the RSVP date and the wedding, 22 people changed their answer. Some could now make it work, but most were people who said yes who couldn’t come anymore.

I don’t really think there’s a way to guarantee that exactly 30 people will be in attendance at your wedding so at this point I’d say you either need to find a new ceremony venue or find a new reception venue. You could also see if your reception venue is willing to make it be a $$ minimum instead of a person minimum.

I think it would be fine to have a deadline. Just let them know the circumstances.

Thank you everyone for your replies! After writing it out I realize that sending RSVP's that soon will not work and I'll drive myself crazy trying to keep an exact number.

I believe that my FH and I have decided to invite more people to reception than the ceremony and just let everyone know that the ceremony is going to be a family and close friends event. But the reception is for everyone who wants to party! Hopefully this will be less of a headache from everyone.

And you could always just have the ceremony as immediate family and the reception be for all guests

We are also requiring a HARD RSVP date rather far in advance for our destination wedding. Our date is 12 weeks in advance. We had to have that buffer so that hotel rooms would be available, we could choose the menu, know how many tables we need for reception and chairs for ceremony, how many centerpieces we’ll need, etc. Basically we are going to have to plan the entire wedding in those 3 months LOL Our guests have been super understanding about the early rsvp. Maybe explain in the invite that due to the nature of the wedding there will be a hard rsvp deadline-no exceptions. We also plan to send out our save the dates really early as well, so that they have plenty of time to decide whether they can/will be going. Sometimes people respond to the STDs if they know for sure they have a conflict

No, it is not okay . However, because these are people you are close to enough to think they will perhaps travel long distance to see you marry, you may call them on the phone and ask, saying you are planning only for those who know they will be traveling, and tell them space is very limited . We did. And got mostly definitely will come, definitely won't come, and very few, not decided yet. Some told us over the phone, some within a week max . We only sent invitations, at the usual timing ( to arrive at their home 8 weeks ahead). We invited all definite yes, and maybe people. And lucked out, only 2 declines from the 5 that were maybes. For 170 yeses and maybes of the 172. But 37 in FI family, and 8 in US in mine and 26 abroad told us immediate NO. Each of our families had 5-6 weddings earlier that spring and summer, some our siblings. So we knew people who owned their own businesses or had weekend jobs would have used up their time and people who would cover for them. We only had a 5 month engagement, and scheduled after all family ones for the year ( though more family ones planned starting 5 months later ). We did not get any negative commentary, at the time or later. And people were quite sympathetic to the problems of planning. The maybe ones, except one couple, were all based on things they could not control: baby due dates for 2 couples, one a pilot starting a new airline 9 weeks before our wedding, and a medical intern pair, and pilot and interns did not get work schedules til the invitations actually had arrived. Having some very firm numbers to work with really helped. Putting it in writing for a Save, you have most people put it aside, will tell you later. Though they mostly already k ow. And early RSVP dates do not work well, I know people who have done it. And more than half looked at it , ignored the early return date, and they had to call every one. Many did come, not just declines that had not replied. People actually like their distant family and friends to talk to them, and usually respond well when you do it. And RSVPs are such a problem sometimes, already. But when you speak of how difficult it is to plan without firm. Umbers, you will get a warmer response .

I say yes and follow up with a friendly call just to be sure😊

I wouldn’t send out invitations that early and I especially wouldn’t b list your friends and family. That’s extremely rude. If you’re short a few guests, you’ll just have to pay the minimum and move on.

I think that is too early to have people RSVP. I think people are less inclined to attend a ceremony when it is not in the same place as the reception, so you might be okay anyway. I was at a wedding last weekend and it looked as if almost half the guests that showed up to the reception did not come to the ceremony. There was a HUGE time gap in between so that likely contributed to the low attendance. Even at my small wedding that was all at one venue, we had like 14 out of 70 people miss the ceremony. To my knowledge they were attempting to attend the ceremony but did not plan their drive according to traffic and road construction.

I think that is too early, but that it is appropriate to invite some to the ceremony and everyone to the reception. That seems to be the best option if you’re not willing to change locations for either venue.

I know you’ve come back to say you know the early rsvp won’t work, but for those following along at home wondering the same thing— part of the issue with having people rsvp too early is you force them to answer before they really know their answer for sure. I had to decline a wedding I would otherwise have gone to because they asked for rsvps super early, and I couldn’t commit to something that far away so when I have to give a definitive answer, I had to say no. Though, the reverse surely happens too!

My friends got married at a ceremony venue with a lower maximum headcount. They invited their family and closest friends to the ceremony and had the reception a more open invitation. Perhaps you could try this? Invite for the ceremony so you don’t go over the 30, and request the presence of all you want to include at the reception. When my friends did this I didn’t hear of any negative view on it given the situation, you are at least still including everyone at the reception!