rsvp drama

I would give him some more time. I've had a ton of people who didn't RSVP by deadline so we have them extra time before we really needed a final answer. I do see what you mean though because it shouldn't be that hard to say yes or no or to tell someone you need more time to figure out schedules. And I can see your point in not wanting to pay for an extra seat when you're not sure if they'll go because it is a waste of money.

Can you contact the stepson directly? When do you need final guest count by?

He’s an adult, so treat him like one. AFTER the rsvp deadline has passed, reach out to HIM directly rather than his mom (well, I’d have your FH do it if it’s his family), and ask if he is able to attend.

You are definitely correct, you shouldn't assume that anyone is attending. Give him a firm deadline, not his mother. I would let him know "if we don't receive a response by Tuesday, we will assume that you're not able to attend."

View Quoted Comment Either my fiance or I will have to add him on Facebook to ask him. My fiance isn't close to him at all and he has only been apart of my fiance's family for about 5 years. This is his aunt's 3 marriage and both cousins are in their 30s. Unfortunately, his life is a wreck. He has been in and out of jail, does drugs, and can't keep a job. He is definitely not a reliable person which is why this doesn't surprise me. We were talking to the aunt because she more reliable than him.

View Quoted Comment I would love to be able to treat him like an adult, but acts like he is a teenager. His father has always treated him like a baby and he gets away with everything. He is also a drug addict so you never know where he is mentally which makes things even more difficult. My fiance is part of the problem. He wants to just assume he is attending. I will likely have to add him on Facebook to try to find out an asnwer. My guess is that if he hasn't answered his stepmom (fiance's aunt) then he probably won't answer me.

I don't think this is overstepping. We're talking about RSVPs for a wedding, which we all know is very important to have the numbers correct. Since you've talked to FHs aunt about this, she knows this is on your radar, so I don't think any special attempts are necessary at this point. If you don't hear from him by the deadline, count him as a no, and FH should let his aunt know that's what you're doing. If the stepson changes his mind at the last second, then he won't have a seat or a meal. That's how RSVPs are supposed to work.

Okay, then. I understand your frustrations. But with it being your FH’s family, I do think you need to defer to him a bit. I would NOT just pay for anseat I didn’t have any answer from, but as a compromise, I’d give him more time. Figure out when you absolutely need to know by for your venue/caterers, and reach out to them next week and give them an amended deadline, “just wondering if you have any word on (name) yet? We really need a firm answer by the end of the week (or, whenever) for the venue” I’d normally say to include a “or we won’t be able to accommodate him” but I’d have some concerns still in this scenario that mom might still just say yes optimistically and then end up with a no show on your hands. If you’re dealing with a substance abuse situation, there is a lot of variable in the day to day and even if he does come out and say yes and intends to come, he still could end up a no-show day of, so I’d try to manage expectations a bit there. Definitely sounds frustrating for your planning. For what it’s worth, my caterers needed numbers at 14 days out, and that number became our “guaranteed minimum” ...that was when are numbers were due BUT! A big but— we would be paying for that number regardless, but they were still able to accommodate ADD ONS until 48 hours before the event. Which meant anyone that was on my list as a question mark (just 1 couple with a medical issue to plan around), I left OUT of my numbers when I submitted them at the 2 weeks before the wedding due date, knowing if I included them and they couldn’t come, I’d still have to pay for them...but if they COULD come, I could add them on later when I knew for sure. The weekend before the wedding I reached out to doublecheck, and in fact they could make it (yay!), so I reached out to my caterer to add two more, and all was peachy. So, I’d also recommend to talk to your venue/caterer and see if they have a similar situation. In which case, I’d leave him off the list initially, and reach out the week before to double check, and if he commits, add him to the tally,

View Quoted Comment I have a call into my coordinator at our venue. Our numbers and seating chart are due in 2 weeks. We were going to start following up with people next week then start working on the seating chart. I believe she said we can add more people up until 1 week prior to the wedding, but I could be wrong.

We meet with our venue on the morning of June 29 with our count and seating chart. The coordinator said that we can make changes until July 6 which is 2 weeks prior to the wedding. After that we cannot make any changes to our count or seating chart. My fiance is leaving for Alaska the evening of June 29 until July 7 and he will be unreachable for the most part and I would rather not have to make any changes without discussing it with him first especially changes that effect his family.

I totally feel where you’re at. Gotta say I’m so sick of people being just PLAIN RUDE. Seriously!
If you think that’s bad, my fiancé’s immediate family (mother and sister plus her husband and kids) didn’t RSVP until about two weeks past our RSVP deadline. There’s still about 15 RSVPs we’re missing from his side, but because it’s a destination wedding and his family live in Canada (wedding is at my family’s home in New Zealand) I’m just assuming they’re not coming. We don’t have ph numbers for most of them, only an address so I can’t call anyhow. I had to email one of his cousin’s today who told us she was still considering coming, and told her I needed to know no later than the 23rd as my caterer must have all numbers by then. This is OVER ONE MONTH past the RSVP date. Her response was: “I’ll see what I can do”.
My FI wants to pay for a few extra meals just in case we have a couple people turn up who forgot to RSVP. Not a bad idea but my mum will not be impressed as she is paying the catering and it will probably go to waste. Geez. Sometimes you just can’t win, right? 🤷‍♀️

As much as I complain there’s only one real solution. You have to choose what’s more important: sticking to your guns and drawing a line, or planning to have a couple extra meals paid for just in case. I’ll probably go the latter as my FI has barely any guests already so I’ll put up with it, but I am NOT IMPRESSED.