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Dedicated March 2019

Role for brother?

Catherine , on January 10, 2018 at 6:01 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14

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Good morning WW crew! In a bit of a cluster here. We picked our wedding party long long time ago before we even engaged (we always talked about wedding plans). Apparently now my brother is assuming he is in the bridal party. My fiancé and him do get along, there’s no tension or anything but they don’t have a really close relationship to have him be part of his side of the groomsemen and my fiancé has had close friends since elementary school to be part of his groomsmen. My question is, other than being an usher what roles can I have my brother help with to still feel like he is included and not just on the side? I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Also, would you still have him wear the same suit/attire as the groomsmen to coordinate so everyone knows he’s not just a bystander on our wedding day?

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14 Comments

Latest activity by bluevelvet, on January 11, 2018 at 12:17 PM

Super November 2018
Susan · on January 10, 2018 at 6:12 AM
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Have him do a reading during the ceremony. Also he could escort your mother in to her seat if your dad is walking you down the aisle.
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VIP December 2017
Susan · on January 10, 2018 at 7:01 AM
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Reader, escorting your mom, or being a bridesman are all options. Sides dont have to be equal and it would be fine to have your brother stand on your side, if you want. If he is standing up with you, I'd have him wear the same suit or a coordinating one. If he is doing another role, I'd let him wear a suit he already owns but make sure he has a boutineer.
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October 2018
FirstTimeMOB · on January 10, 2018 at 7:23 AM
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My daughter asked her brother to be my escort down the aisle since her father will be walking her.
She considers him part of the bridal party and he will dress in a color that will coordinate with the bridesmaids to differentiate him from a groomsman. He'll be included in the rehearsal and any other bridal party activities she offers up.
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Master April 2018
Mrs. Sponge · on January 10, 2018 at 7:30 AM
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I agree with pp to have him do a reading. FMIL was trying to force FH to have his brother be his BM, but they are not close and down right awkward together. It would be uncomfortable for the other groomsmen. I suggested asking him to do a reading and it was the only thing that made FMIL back off the BM thing and seemed to keep FILs happy.
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Devoted May 2018
Brenda · on January 10, 2018 at 8:35 AM
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I’m probably going to have my brother walk my mom down the aisle and maybe do a reading (if he’s comfortable). He does have three young children (his wife wouldn’t let him be a groomsman in our cousins wedding because of it) so I don’t know if he will do either of these things but I’d like it if he did.
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Expert October 2015
Rachel Langerhans · on January 10, 2018 at 9:50 AM
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Have you already asked people to be in your wedding party? It's a long way off before you should even be asking (even if you've discussed between you and your FH). If your FH doesn't want him as a groomsmen, you can have your brother on your side of the wedding party. If neither of you wants him, which is fine, he doesn't have to do anything. Don't give people titles or "duties" just to make them feel "included". Many people don't even want to be in a wedding party or have "duties" for that day!

Finally, don't ask your wedding party until 6-8 months out.
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Dedicated October 2018
Maria · on January 10, 2018 at 10:16 AM
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I have a similar situation. My fiancé picked his groomsman and my brother was not selected, but I felt that was not my choice so I was ok with it. So I am having my brother be an usher with our cousin. I am going to have them wear something similar to the groomsman. I am inviting them to the rehearsal dinner and trying to make them feel like a part of the big day. When I asked him he seemed really excited to be apart of it too.
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VIP September 2018
EngineerInLove · on January 10, 2018 at 11:10 AM
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All of these, and you can bring him for his own suit fitting when the GMs are going.
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VIP March 2017
Danielle · on January 10, 2018 at 3:32 PM
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My husband and I found ourselves basically in the exact same situation. H figured my brother wouldn’t even want to be in the bridal party or care as they hadn’t spent much time together. We ended up asking him to be a groomsman. It meant a lot to him and I think it made them become a little closer. I think he would’ve felt slighted if we gave him a role like usher.
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VIP March 2018
FutureMrsW · on January 10, 2018 at 3:47 PM
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We did the same thing. FH and my brother aren't close (tbh he and I aren't very close either) but he asked just to see what he'd say and my brother was honored. My brother hasn't been much of an active participant in family stuff for a few years but is slowly trying to become more involved again now. I'm hoping we'll all get closer by including him.
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Super September 2018
Janel · on January 10, 2018 at 3:51 PM
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No, i wouldn’t have him match the groomsmen, the same way my father will not match the groomsmen. You should be the one to talk to your brother and break it to him gently. My brother is walking my mom down the aisle and that’s it.
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Dedicated March 2019
Catherine · on January 10, 2018 at 4:18 PM
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I should have included this on the original post but I am also not very close with my own brother. Nothing bad ever happened- we just never had that sibling bond. I don’t want to include someone just to have them included. My mom is more upset about it than anyone else.
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Devoted October 2017
bluevelvet · on January 11, 2018 at 12:17 PM
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This has the potential to have hurt feelings - get ready for your mom to feel hurt about it. Please don't include him just to include him. It your your and fiance's wedding day, you get to have the attendants you want to have!! As we say in other forums: grow your Bridal Balls now. I do agree that it is way too early to ask people.....lots will change between now and March 2019.
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