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Just Said Yes October 2021

Rocky Relationship with Mother

Valerie, on February 3, 2020 at 2:04 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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I've had a complicated relationship with my mother for years. She's a very self-centered person and hasn't really been a mother to me for the last decade or so. i.e. She took 10 days to call me to congratulate me after I told her I got engaged and immediately asked if I had any "financial expectations" from her. Things came to a head around the holidays when I wanted to host and she wasn't responding to my calls or texts to see if she was coming. I waited for a few days and texted her that I would take her non-response as not wanting to continue a relationship. This apparently set her off (I found out via my uncle) and she was apparently upset/offended. I've been trying to reach out for the last few weeks to talk things out and she hasn't bothered to respond to me. At this point, I don't want to invite her to the wedding, but feel like I will catch heat from my siblings and uncle if I don't. AND it feels like it will definitely make the relationship irreparable. What should I do?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on February 5, 2020 at 3:10 AM

VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on February 3, 2020 at 2:07 PM
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It sounds like she is already trying to damage the relationship, but doesn't want the blame. That's why she waits for you to "lash out" (which you were totally right to, by the way!). That way, she can play the victim and not have as much guilt. My FH's mother was like this. We are not inviting her and have no regrets! Best of luck to you, and congratulations!
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Devoted January 2019
Amanduh · on February 3, 2020 at 2:34 PM
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Screw her then! Don't invite her. It's an unfortunate situation but she obviously doesn't want a relationship, as you pointed out. And as for your family, who cares what they say it's your mom and your wedding.
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VIP October 2020
Ingrid · on February 3, 2020 at 4:26 PM
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I'm in the same boat with both of parents and my stepfather. As of right now, I dont want them at any of my wedding festivities. I just go back and forth with whether I'll regret the decision. This is not something to be decided upon emotionally, I'll pro and con it and see what logic says
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Valerie · on February 3, 2020 at 5:21 PM
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You hit the nail on the head; she's always "playing the victim". Thank you!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on February 4, 2020 at 3:11 AM
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Don't.
My mother got offended by the invitations and declined to come. We had a very rocky relationship, so I cut off her (and, unfortunately, most of my family), but it was the best decision I made. Without her there... no cutting remarks, no centering of her at everyone else's expense, no inappropriate behavior, etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's totally and 100% ok to cut off a toxic parent. Don't let movies and internet memes get into your head.
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Master January 2021
Andrea · on February 4, 2020 at 8:43 AM
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Yup, Rebecca is right.
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Savvy July 2021
Brigitte · on February 4, 2020 at 9:07 AM
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I 100% agree with Rebecca, don't invite her. She'll end up souring your day with her attitude. I feel like the older generation was so preoccupied with 'saving face.' You should be preoccupied with creating a safe and happy environment for you on your wedding day.

I feel for you, I have a strained relationship with my mother as well.
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Valerie · on February 4, 2020 at 9:19 AM
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Thank you everyone for your input! We've decided not to invite her and are looking forward to a stress-free day
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on February 4, 2020 at 12:52 PM
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Of course! I hope your day is amazing!
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Just Said Yes October 2021
Valerie · on February 4, 2020 at 2:22 PM
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I'm with you on that: not wanting to regret anything. Good luck to you!
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Super March 2020
Concetta · on February 4, 2020 at 3:29 PM
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I completely agree with this!!! your mom wants to blame you and be able to play victim!! I think you should invite her because maybe one day you will regret it however do not make any special things for her or any spotlight
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on February 5, 2020 at 3:10 AM
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Excellent.

And now, one more piece of advice: DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, let anyone make you feel guilty about this.

*internet hugs* You've got this, have a beautiful wedding!
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