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Beginner September 2019

Ring Bearer Question

Misstomrs19, on July 24, 2019 at 10:55 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 3

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So... I asked 2 very close friends of mine to have their sons be my ring bearers. One is 3 (we will call him A) and the other is a little over a year (we will call him B). A’s mom has already scheduled a day with me to go pick out a tux. My flower girls dress was purchased months ago. B’s mom and I barely speak (maybe once a month through a few texts) and that’s fine, life gets busy. But I feel like I made a mistake and already felt guilted into asking him to be in the wedding by his mom. So since then, over time, we slowly stopped talking. My FMIL passed away 3 months ago from a rough battle with cancer, her bf (our groomsman) came to the funeral.. she never reached out.. only mentioned it more casual when we saw each other in person. I went to her sons 1st birthday even though I was hurt and felt we were drifting, because I want to be there for him. My shower was last Sunday. She texted me Saturday saying “I have been trying to get myself ready and together but I just don’t feel good I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your shower today, I’ll come over this week and make it up to you” I said no worries! It’s actually tomorrow and she said omg I’m so backwards, I promise I’ll try my best to make it tomorrow. She never showed up, never texted me, and has yet to come over nor make plans to. I want to ask her if she even plans on coming to the wedding because she hasn’t asked anything about it and I want to know whether or not I will have one or two ring bearers.... either way I will be fine but I need to know. I don’t want her to feel guilty and think it’s just from the shower.. it’s just causing unnecessary stress and I want to know what’s going on without coming off as rude. What should I say??

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3 Comments

Latest activity by Sinéad, on July 25, 2019 at 7:21 AM

Devoted April 2020
Sara · on July 24, 2019 at 11:19 PM
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I’m sorry to hear about your mother in law 😢 I think you should tell her that you understand how life can get being busy and what not but there hasn’t been much communication about the wedding and need to know if her son can be apart of it or not. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that, I mean you kinda need to know, right? Tell her you are fine with either decision but if he is then you need to get some planning taken care of. I think she should understand
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on July 25, 2019 at 5:49 AM
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Since you didn't really want him in it anyway, why add more stress by cooking up fake dramatic scenarios in your head? Tell her when you're going with your other little dude and if she can't make it, tell her you're going in a different direction. What's the worse thing that happens if he's not in it? You have an extra boutonniere? You're making too much of this. I think you're really upset about the possible lost friendship, not whether her kid will be in the wedding. He's not a make it or break it component. The wedding will still happen without him.
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WeddingWire Administrator January 2025
Sinéad · on July 25, 2019 at 7:21 AM
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Hey there! I am so sorry to hear about your FMIL.
I’m also sorry to hear that you are feeling so distant from such a close friend of yours. You do seem really understanding that life gets in the way, and you’re totally right! It’s sometimes difficult to remember but your wedding isn’t the most important thing going on in other people's lives.
It does sound like she has a lot going on. Have you asked how everything is in her life and if everything is going ok for her?
I would reach out to her and ask her to meet up, especially since you already kind of have plans to see each other this week anyway. This would be the perfect opportunity to make sure everything is going okay with her. It would also be a great time to ask her if she would still like her son to be a ring bearer. You could give her the freedom to decline if it would be too much pressure on her.
It’s totally understandable that you need to plan for your wedding, and part of this is making sure that everyone is ready and has their clothes ready to go. She will totally understand this.
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