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Devoted December 2019

Rich cousins but no wedding gift??

on December 17, 2019 at 7:35 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 38

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Hello all! So my fiancé and I got married December 13th, and the entire day was AMAZING!!! We had so much fun! Some flukes but nothing earth shattering! We’re both just kind of annoyed by one thing. I’m sure I’ll get some backlash for this, but it’s honestly messed up in our minds. Just our venue, with passed apps, 4 hour open bar, wine service throughout dinner, soup, salad, fish/chicken/beef/vegetarian option, cupcakes and fresh fruit, AND a Mac and cheese bar cost us just over $22k for 138 people. We had a photobooth, an awesome DJ. It was CLOSE to everyone after our original venue burned down. My two cousins+ their wives brought their 2 kids each. And neither of them gave us gifts. For my brothers wedding the one cousin+wife didn’t get them anything and then the other one+wife did give them money. My brothers wedding was 1.5 hours away, and neither cousin brought their kids. I got a $20 gift from one cousin for my bridal shower (the one that didn’t bring anything to my brothers wedding, but gave a $35 check for my SILs bridal shower), and a $40 gift from the other cousin (the one that brought a gift to my SILs bridal shower and wedding). The only reason I’m comparing is because it’s just messed up for both me and my brother. Only reason is because both cousins are RICH! Like RICH RICH! Big houses, great neighborhoods, expensive stuff and cars, great jobs. We always give their kids gifts for birthdays and Christmas.

And many of you will say it isn’t expected to give a gift at a wedding...that’s silly. One of my bridesmaids, where I know she and her boyfriend are not as well off, gave us $240. Many of his many members gave $200+ and their not well off. It just stings I guess because my family is small and this feels like such a slight. Can I say anything? Our card box was broken on top but nothing was stolen as it was in sight all night.

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Latest activity by Maggie, on December 18, 2019 at 4:20 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on December 17, 2019 at 7:41 PM
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No, you can’t say anything. That makes you just as rude as you think they are.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on December 17, 2019 at 7:44 PM
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No you can’t say anything. Listen, it would be great if everyone was a good person and at the very least brought a card with well wishes to a wedding. Some people are just stingy though. It’s going to come off entitled and greedy if you say something.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 17, 2019 at 7:56 PM
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I would not compare gifts because I know I would never give even $100 at someone's wedding. God bless your friend for spending $240. I could be wrong but the reception is a thank you so maybe some people feel that a gift is not necessary at the reception. Did they give gifts from your registry?
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on December 17, 2019 at 7:59 PM
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You can vent on here, but yeah, it'd be extremely rude to ask them about it. Honestly, seeing every nickel and dime of what you spent on your wedding vs. what you expected to be gifted (basically, what you'd be "earning back" from gifts) is a really bad way to view a wedding. Sure, it's rude not to bring a gift (though, their financial status should not be a factor in you expecting them to give you anything) but it happens, and it happens more often than you think. It's a good idea to let it go.
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Devoted December 2019
· on December 17, 2019 at 8:01 PM
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Fair enough lol I’m just venting
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Devoted December 2019
· on December 17, 2019 at 8:04 PM
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It’s not that I even necessarily expect a monetary gift, at least a nice card with a “were so happy for you” because that at least means they thought enough of us to write sweet words rather than just show up for a free meal and booze. I agree it is a thank you for them....but only 1 out of the 8 of them came to our ceremony. So 3/4 adults just showed up for the party, which is also in poor taste. Just for the bridal shower, which is a separate thing.
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Devoted December 2019
· on December 17, 2019 at 8:06 PM
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I would never expect to earn it back. I was just giving numbers for comparison to give an idea of what kind of a wedding it was. I really wanted to make it so everyone had a good time! We even bought boxes for the bathrooms to put little toiletries in to make the guests comfortable! It was a sweet, family oriented wedding. I guess I see not bringing a gift, or even a card, as a big middle finger to us and just seems like they were there for a night of entertainment and free food. 3/4 adults didn’t even come to our ceremony.
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on December 17, 2019 at 8:16 PM
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But giving out all the prices so we could see how nice of a wedding you threw is definitely focusing on the monetary aspect. Like "we spend $X per person, we gave them all this free stuff, here are all the added amenities we paid for, and they didn't even come with a gift" is exactly what I mean.
It would have been rude not to come with a gift regardless of what kind of wedding you had, but feeling the need to list the exact charges of each aspect just isn't a healthy mindset to have. You wouldn't tell a friend that she shouldn't complain people didn't bring gifts to her wedding because she just did a simple backyard wedding for $2k, right?
I get the annoyance on your part: I genuinely do. This is just sort of akin to the whole "drinking poison and expecting the other person to die" saying.
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Devoted December 2019
· on December 17, 2019 at 8:19 PM
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Eh it was just additional venting. You have your own thoughts and opinions which I respect, but to me I’m just painting a realistic picture for everything to see everything clearly. I don’t regret a thing, everything was amazing and beautiful. I just need a safe space to vent besides the people I know who will automatically agree with me lmao but you’re right, it does look like I’m money focused which wasn’t the idea of this.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 17, 2019 at 8:20 PM
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I agree at least a card. I also agree some people just are rude and don't have proper etiquette. I am sorry.
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Dedicated May 2021
Chanieish · on December 17, 2019 at 8:28 PM
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Eh I sympathize with you. Weddings are expensive and a gift is a nice way for a guest to thank you for sharing your special moment with them (and paying $$$ for their food etc.) aside from them showing up of course. And allowing kids to come doesn't happen at every wedding.

Vent away! It's annoying, but you shouldn't say anything. Their actions reflect on their manners and who they are.
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Super September 2020
Naikesha · on December 17, 2019 at 8:36 PM
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I agree to vent here but ...... I wouldnt invite them anywhere else.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on December 17, 2019 at 8:41 PM
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What gift (or dollar amount) from your cousin would’ve been acceptable to you and would have made you happy? Only asking because a full week hasn’t even gone by for you to bask in the happiness as a newlywed. Yet, not receiving a gift is the on your mind. In the grand scheme of things, I’m sure you agree that marrying your husband that day and celebrating with family/friends was really the most important thing. So no need putting mental and emotional energy into the a gift that doesn’t exist (or any gift for that matter).
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Devoted December 2019
· on December 17, 2019 at 8:44 PM
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It certainly isn’t the only thing on my mind, and isn’t in the forefront. This is simply a forum to either 1)share your success or 2) share your annoyances. Can you not be excited to have married your best friend but also annoyed by something that happened? I believe you can. I would have happily accepted even a card, something sweet written inside. Just to make it seem as though they care about us, not just coming to a free “event”. Again, I’m just venting so I can 100% get over it quickly. It’s just how I work 🤷🏼‍♀️
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Savvy October 2020
Catherine · on December 17, 2019 at 8:45 PM
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Girl no, it’s plain rude to show up empty handed. I hate when people consider it as “entitled” to expect a gift. It’s not even about the gift. It doesn’t matter if it’s a $5 gift or $500 gift. It’s really the thought that matters. Clearly you paid for the entire wedding so you clearly did not expect people to “pay” you back. But this also triggers me because I know a few people who are your cousins and those are the same people that expect gifts when they aren’t even generous themselves. But to answer your question you should not confront them. At the end of the day you had a beautiful wedding and that’s all that matters.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on December 17, 2019 at 9:34 PM
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I agree with many of the previous posters that you definitely have the right to vent here and I understand how you feel. I would just not say anything but in the future if they invite you to some kind of even where a gift is expected give them the same treatment as they have given you. Although I do agree with 1 poster saying that instead of focusing on this negative aspect focus on the happiness that you had at your wedding as well as being a newlywed. I will disagree with the mindset that when people do give a gift, although I do agree it is proper etiquette to provide a wedding gift. They should not be the amount of their food at the reception. I am not sure where that mindset of you should give the amount of gift of the price of your food because I always felt that it was the bride and groom's decision of how much to spend on their reception. Plus I have been to weddings in a double digits and I probably have only been to one wedding where I felt the amount of food that I ate was worth $100 or more. I'm sorry to be rude but every bride and groom decides how much they want to spend on their wedding and if a couple decides to spend thousands of dollars that is their decision and should not be a factor and how much anyone gives us a gift. I'm sorry I just get really bothered with the mindset that basically the gifted amount for the plate of food because I'm basically the reception is not a thank you it's just me paying for a dinner out. That's just my side vent I apologize for taking over hahaha.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on December 17, 2019 at 9:39 PM
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While technically gifts are not “mandatory” I do think it is really rude for anyone (rich or not) to attend any sort of party (wedding or otherwise...) without bringing something for the host. It’s just plain rude. I don’t blame you for being upset. But I also don’t think you can say anything really, like what do you expect, them to just give you something? No good can come from confronting them. But again I don’t blame you for being upset because it is super rude!
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on December 17, 2019 at 10:05 PM
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It's fine to vent! I was married on the 13th as well. I would feel strange showing up to a wedding without even a card, but some people don't feel the same. It's frustrating sometimes, but it's life! Congratulations on your wedding and wishing you a happy marriage!
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on December 17, 2019 at 10:52 PM
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Sure...Vent away. There’s 2 sides of a coin. So I was just sharing a different and more positive perspective. Instead of being annoyed and focusing on the negative of a single gift. For me, someone taking the time out of their schedule to show up and celebrate with me is the reason why I invited them. So the “thanks” goes to my guests. Like you, we’re spending $20k... but on 60 guests. However, the amount we chose to spend on each guest doesn’t dictate what they need to give to us in return. But, I guess It’s just how I work. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Glad you’re getting over it!

Happy Newlywed Wishes!!!
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on December 17, 2019 at 10:58 PM
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As I said, I totally get that. What threw everyone into their responses from your original post was that you were considering saying something to them about it.
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Rich cousins but no wedding gift??

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