Removing Bridesmaid?

Tell her you need her measurements by a certain date, otherwise you will not be order a dress for her. This gives her the control of deciding whether she stays as a bridesmaid or not.

I agree with ALL of this. Remove her (there is no "best way" to do this; just be as clear and kind as you can) and accept that this will probably damage your friendship long term.

I agree with everyone. Planning is stressfull enough and the coupl1 has so much to do, to plan, to coordinate,. Plus your girls are supposed to calm you down and be there when you need them not supposed to add stress and more headaches.

You told it yourself that there are a couple red flags. Just focus on the girls that are trully reliable and helpful. This is obvioulsly a friebmndship-ending move but you need to choose between this move or keeping her with the risk of her stress you out on your big day.

This is the reason why neither of us wanted to have my bro as a groomsman or a bridesman.

I totally agree with others - you are dealing with enough (so sorry to hear of the relapse), so you don't need this nonsense. The only other thing I would add to the suggestion of giving her a hard and fast deadline (IF you still want to give her the option) would be to say "if you want to send the measurements directly to the dress designer, you have to send it to ABC email address by DEF date at XYZ time (with time zone)." OR you can say "hey such-and-such, I just wanted to kinda re-confirm that I had to send off the dress measurements already to the designer, so I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you to be in the bridal party, but i can't wait to see you at the wedding!" It's 5 days after the deadline (her self-imposed deadline), after all, and if you're having these dresses custom made, you may run the risk that all the other dresses will be late. Either way, I wish you the best of luck in planning and enjoying a fantastic wedding!!

If she's notorious for being late, why would a wedding dress appointment be any different?

Why are you holding it against her that she wanted all of the bridesmaids to wear the same hairstyle etc? Just say no and move on.

I understand the logic but I don't think it's a fair assessment, because with that line of thinking, I wouldn't have picked 3 out of my 8 bridesmaids because they have a habit of being late. And yet, I've had no issues so far because even late people know what they can get away with versus what is something they absolutely shouldn't be late for. Anything wedding related is in the latter category, decent people can recognize that.

I would remove her as well! Unfortunately, what I've learned is that peoples true colors show during this process. I learned so far that there were people in my life that I shouldn't have remained friends with but didn't recognize that until wedding planning where it became obvious.

I honestly feel that her lack of interest in being part of the wedding is a reflection of how she feels about your friendship. If she truly had your best interest at heart, truly cared about you having a special day, then she wouldn't be such a hassle. You've been extremely reasonable, so it's not you. Therefore, if the friendship ends as a result of this, it's probably for the best because I know it might hurt, but you really don't want people like that in your life. You need people in your life who care about you and push you to be a better person! She is doing the exact opposite.

Keep in mind that everyone deals with things differently. The fact that you're planning a wedding and battling cancer (wow!) doesn't mean that her job and arthritis (or whatever else is going on) aren't overwhelming for her.

It sounds like she's struggling (and has been for a while), and I doubt she intends anything she's done to be hurtful or frustrating for you, even though you're naturally taking it personally (who wouldn't?). I also know from experience that when people are in denial about how much they're struggling, they overpromise, and then when they fall short of their promises, they come off as unreliable. She may not have a realistic sense of her own ability to participate in your wedding party and be there for you in general. The best thing for your relationship may be for you to say to her that you understand that she needs to put herself first, and if she can make the measurements happen in time (provide a specific deadline so that you can get the dresses in time) and participate in your bridal party, then great.

At this point, you know her well enough to know that she doesn't keep her obligations, so if you're surprised or upset about this, that's on you. You made this post sound like a catalog of all the ways she's caused you difficulties or hurt your feelings or generally been annoying. To me, it reads more like a catalog of evidence that you have no justification for expecting her to meet deadlines or be on time. Managing your own expectations will be much easier than managing her (although if you do want to her to be on time for things, maybe tell her that everything starts 45 minutes before it actually does).

No, you misunderstand. I never said that OP shouldn't have chosen her because she's always late. I don't think that at all. OP needs to adjust her expectations. People don't change who they are because you (general you) are getting married.

And no, all wedding related events aren't sacred events that should fall into some special category of events that nobody should be late to. They're just events, optional wedding-related events. Showing up late to a bridal shower or dress appointment doesn't make someone an indecent person.

The only thing she needs to do is get the dress and show up to the wedding. Everything else is fluff.

Agree to disagree, wedding related events in my opinion, are "special events" because they're happening once in this persons lifetime. Unless something occurs that is beyond my control, (road closure, emergency, sickness), then the poster above me said it perfectly, I will not allow my bad habit to impact the timeline for the most important day of my friends life. And I believe decent/good friends, would and should, have a similar attitude.

I understand what you're saying though, people generally don't change who they are, the only point I'm trying to make is that "good" friendships go two ways, and a good friend should be willing to make an adjustment in their life to accommodate the most important day in your life.

Day, not days. Events leading up to the wedding are extra, optional events, and again, people are not going to change who they are for your wedding or all the events leading up to it.

What Vicky, Cool, and Maggie said. That's good advice.

Please whatever you do bear in mind that removing her from the wedding party will end the friendship.