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Just Said Yes September 2021

Religious father’s toast posing problems

Paige, on August 17, 2021 at 9:50 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 17

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Sorry for this being a long one, I’m pretty emotional.

So my parents are both heavily Christian, and I was raised the same. This left me with a lot of religious trauma, and me and them have a mediocre relationship in part due to this. I really want them to be a part of my life, but I have to cater to them and be careful around them in order to have that. If I’m open about my beliefs or lifestyle, I would lose what little connection we have left.
That being said, I’m getting married in 2 weeks and I’m trying to have them as involved as possible. Mom helping with the dress, dad is walking me down the aisle but not giving me away, that sort of thing. My dad is planning on giving a toast at the reception, and this is where it gets tricky.
I’m a pagan. Me and my almost husband (also an ex Christian) are having a handfasting but a very, very toned down one so that my beliefs are vaguely part of the day but not disruptive to our Christian families. I literally cannot stress how much of my time, both with the wedding and in life in general, is spent trying to not upset my parents so we can still have some sort of relationship.
That being said, my father intends to mention the Christian god in his toast, maybe a bible verse or something. He was pretty vague. I very gently asked him if he could not bring religion into it, and he said if he can’t even mention god he won’t do a toast.
I have no idea what to do. I feel like on this one day I deserve to not have to hear about god. Every time the subject comes up I feel like I’m reminded of how hard I have to work to earn my parents love, and how I still don’t really feel like I have a family with them. I don’t want to be thinking those kinds of thoughts on my wedding day of all days.
But if I don’t let him say what he wants, he and my mom will be really angry at me for what they will see as me not letting him be a part of the day. To be honest, there’s a possibility if I don’t let him do what he wants they won’t come.
So tl;dr, do I suck it up and deal with religious trauma on my wedding day or do I risk my parents either pouting the whole time or not coming at all?

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on August 19, 2021 at 1:19 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah · on August 17, 2021 at 10:05 AM
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Honestly, your parents sound super toxic. You should not be working so hard and hiding your self and your beliefs just to maintain a relationship with them. Because ....you aren't maintaining a relationship with them. If they don’t know who you are as a person, then they don't have a relationship with you--they have a relationship with a version of you that doesn't exist. If they can't accept you for who you are, they haven't earned the privilege of holding a special place in your wedding, or in your life for that matter. Your wedding day, of all days, is when they should be catering to your wishes and be respectful of your beliefs, as the day is about you.
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on August 17, 2021 at 10:13 AM
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I agree with Hannah. Your father saying he won't come to the wedding if he can't omit one small thing from his toast is manipulative. Honestly, nothing says he has to do a toast. That's something special for people who don't throw tantrums based on differing beliefs. I would stand your ground and tell him no. And then probably try to distance yourself from your parents. Just because they're blood doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them if it's harming you.
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Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on August 17, 2021 at 10:38 AM
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You've rightfully set a boundary with him. You can't control how he reacts to that boundary but you can control how much access he has to you and your feelings. You have asked him to keep religion out of his toast--which is reasonable considering your beliefs and past with Christianity. If he chooses to react to that by skipping your wedding, that's on him and a clear signal of how he values you and your relationship.
Once your wedding is behind you, I would also encourage counseling to figure out how to deal with parents that don't respect your beliefs and boundaries.
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Expert May 2022
Nisha · on August 17, 2021 at 10:46 AM
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It's your day, your parents should respect your wishes. I know the Bible has all that "don't hide your light" stuff, but he should be able to set aside his wants for you.
My mother and step-dad are the same way, so they aren't even invited to my wedding. They would actively TRY to derail my wedding, since they want me back with my ex-husband, and I don't need that kinda negativity on my day with the man that I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
Lay out your wishes, he has the option to abide, or sit this one out. They can come to the wedding and skip the reception if they plan to disrespect you.
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Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on August 17, 2021 at 11:08 AM
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I just wouldn’t allow him to do a speech at all. Tells him it’s just best man and maid of honor speeches and that’s it. Have your DOC/MC make an announcement before the speeches. We had ours call them up one by one (MOH/BM) and that was it. To avoid long speeches or embarrassing stories. Quick and simple and everyone was back to enjoying their dinner.
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Devoted February 2022
Chloe · on August 17, 2021 at 11:14 AM
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I get trying to maintain a relationship with people who are so set in their beliefs that it makes you feel sick, because they don't feel like your beliefs, but these are still "your people". There is a part of my family (also Christian, add to that homophobic and vaguely inclined to conspiracy theories) that I can never really have an honest discussion with - it's just too exhausting trying to justify everything you do to people who are so set in their worlds, you just can't get through to them.
But I also get still wanting to have a relationship with them, because they are your family, they raised you and loved you in their own way. Those who advise you to be confrontational blend out the fact that this confrontation could forever destroy your relationship with them, as strained as it may be.
With my family, their "problem" is my Man of Honor (proudly gay) and I also fear a religious speech. I actually spoko to my DJ and he promised to "forget" to charge the microphone so that the speech may not be heard at all, and if, then only at their own table... So basically I'm lying to them and asking my DJ to lie for me as well. Family speeches are last on order.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on August 17, 2021 at 11:49 AM
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Your mom's argument doesn't hold water. He's already involved in the day because he's walking you down the aisle. I completely understand where you're coming from because I'm an atheist while my future in-laws are conservative Jewish, and they know that has no place at our wedding. Sounds like you shouldn't let your dad give the speech, and he needs to get over it. He can ask the priest or whoever to announce the marriage at church the following Sunday, if it's such a big deal to him.
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Savvy August 2022
A S · on August 17, 2021 at 12:06 PM
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I’m so sorry that those who should support unconditionally are treating you like this on your wonderful day. It is a very difficult one as I completely understand that you want to maintain your relationship with your parents. However I always believe that it is better to deal with these issues or it will come up again in the future. You might just be putting off a conversation that is necessary, which is that your parents need to respect the boundaries you set. It may be better to try and approach it now in a way which is non-confrontational rather than allow feelings of resentment or frustration build up. Maybe if you know someone who could be a good mediator or even a therapist to try and ensure it doesn’t become petty?
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Super May 2019
KYLIE · on August 17, 2021 at 12:14 PM
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Paige, I just first want to say that I am so sorry you have had to suffer this trauma, and I hope you have a lot of support in your life to work through that. Know that to make you feel that way is NOT Christ-like and your parents are hiding horrible, toxic behavior behind something that is not intended to be used that way.

I would just tell your dad you and your fiancé have decided to keep speeches to just MOH/BM, which is totally normal. If your dad balks and they don’t come, I know that’s crushing, but I promise you you’ll have a better day without that toxicity in the air. Everyone at your event will be there for you. Ripping off that band-aid is tough, but you need to put yourself and your mental health above your dad’s disgusting misuse of proselytizing.
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VIP May 2015
KiwiDerbyBride · on August 17, 2021 at 1:12 PM
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This whole situation sounds awful for you. I would stand your ground and if it means he doesn’t make a toast, so be it. I do have one question for you: do your parents work as hard on maintaining a relationship with you as you do? Or is all the burden of that on your shoulders?
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on August 17, 2021 at 1:30 PM
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So sorry you have to deal with this. Honestly both parents are toxic and manipulative. Your wedding is a celebration of you and your fiancé and you should not have to walk on eggshells around anyone or apologize for your beliefs. If they can’t accept who you are and still love you no matter what, then they don’t deserve any of you and it may be healthier to cut the strings and live your live without contact from them. Be firm in your boundaries. If they continue to push and manipulate, then you go no contact for your own mental health.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on August 17, 2021 at 2:28 PM
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This sentence makes me SO sad for you: "I literally cannot stress how much of my time, both with the wedding and in life in general, is spent trying to not upset my parents so we can still have some sort of relationship."
I know that you already know there is no happy compromise here. If you set and maintain your boundaries, your parents will probably react badly. If you give in, you will not enjoy your wedding day as you deserve. I would personally not allow your dad to give a toast and then just accept whatever results from that decision, but it's up to decide which is the lesser of two evils here.
I really, really dislike people who use religion to hurt their loved ones, and I have cut family members out of my life for this kind of behavior. But I fully recognize deciding to cut people off is not easy. Hugs and much support to you!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on August 18, 2021 at 4:09 AM
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So, he doesn't get to have a toast. It's that simple.
And you should have the ceremony YOU want, that marries YOU and your FH, not the one that "won't offend your parents".
As Hannah said, you aren't maintaining a relationship with your parents, you are bending your life to not 'offend' them. Parents don't get to be 'offended' by their offspring. That's not an option.
They are making you miserable, that's pretty clear. At this point, it's either let them make you miserable, or be yourself.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on August 18, 2021 at 8:29 AM
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Agreed 100%.
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Just Said Yes September 2021
Paige · on August 18, 2021 at 10:15 AM
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Thanks all for the support, you’re all very kind! I’ll be talking with him this weekend and standing my ground. As sad as it sounds, realistically I know my relationship with them is only getting harder to maintain. Post wedding will be having a discussion about broader issues/boundaries, but hoping to at least keep the peace for the big day. Thanks again!
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on August 19, 2021 at 4:09 AM
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Real talk: I ended up cutting ties with my (toxic) mother BEFORE my wedding, and it worked out SO much better.
Consider how much less stress you will have when you don't have to think about managing them.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on August 19, 2021 at 1:19 PM
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Your parents are emotionally blackmailing you so that you conform to their beliefs. Time for boundaries and to live authentically. If Dad can't keep God out of a simple wedding toast, he doesn't get to do one. They are being so disrespectful of you and your beliefs. That's never going to change if you continue hiding who you are from them.
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