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Beginner October 2019

Rehearsal etiquette

Katherine, on September 20, 2019 at 11:29 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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Hi ladies!

So my fiancé and I are just over a month away from our wedding!! So exciting!!! However, he informed me tonight that one of his best men (he has two) and one of his groomsmen will not be able to make the rehearsal the night before the wedding. The reasoning for both has to do with either them or their SO working. My fiancé is upset by this, a large part being because he couldn’t get all of the guys together for a bachelor party, and he was really looking forward to hanging out with all of his guys at the rehearsal dinner.

I understand that people have lives that don’t revolve around us and our wedding, I understand that people have different work demands/schedules, I understand that the wedding party is only obligated to show up to the wedding. My question is this: if you know that you and your SO are being invited to a wedding/in the wedding more than a year out, is it wrong of him to be upset that they can’t make it to the rehearsal the night before the wedding?? I’m naturally upset seeing him upset and want to try to make things better. Also just a side note, both of their SO’s have been with them since before our wedding announcement and the SO’s were specifically listed on the STD’s and invitations.

Again, I understand that people have lives. At the same time though, isn’t attending the rehearsal kind of a big deal if you’re in the wedding party?? Thanks in advance for any insight!

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Melle, on September 24, 2019 at 6:13 PM

Devoted October 2019
Summer · on September 20, 2019 at 11:43 PM
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I'm sorry but if it's their SO working then they can come to the rehearsal dinner by themselves, the SO doesn't need to be with them for everything (I know it would be nice to have them both there, but there SO isn't the one in the wedding). Also (in my opinion) being at the rehearsal dinner is almost just as important as the wedding itself, it's to do a full walk through of the wedding (so it goes smoother the day of) and then you get time with just the wedding party to relax with some good food before the busy day. I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this :/ it's not really fair for you guys, especially with the kind of notice you gave.
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on September 20, 2019 at 11:47 PM
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It does seem odd that they didn’t make sure they were off work for the rehearsal. And I don’t see why the ones who are off can’t go without their significant others. But depending on the day of the week, it may be hard for some people to get off. As in, if your rehearsal has to be on a Thursday instead of Friday. While I know this must be very disappointing, I’m not sure what you can do about it. Are they planning on going to the rehearsal itself? While weddings are usually run the same, I would be more concerned about that if they’ve never been in one before.
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Master 0000
Judith · on September 21, 2019 at 12:50 AM
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Rehearsals are often a hit or miss thing. Not something people usually travel far for, or rearrange their lives for. Most people get by without one, as long as someone spends 5 minutes filling them in. Never a required event if it disrupts their life, because it is of little actual importance, except for B and G to work this GS out with officiant, and sometimes children need practice. . . The RD, like any dinner party, is strictly optional. You and FI should not get upset if some people do not come, as long as they are there, dresses and ready for the wedding. ( Getting reading with a group is also a strictly optional, recent trend. People can get ready in their own home or hotel rooms, as they have for years and years before the recent trend of some bridal parties spending hours and hours together.

. . So really, no, it is not reasonable for a groom or bride to be upset with someone for not attending an optional event. Someone need not rearrange their work schedule just to hang out with the groom, if it is difficult. Whether he knew for 6 months or 2 years, does not matter. FI is mature enough to understand that he should be glad to have the company of the others, but not upset with the person who puts work, family, or school ahead if social time. As long as he is there, groomed and ready, a half hour before pictures start, or the ceremony starts, that is the traditional expectation. Recent tv and movies have set up a false expectation that the wedding party is like a team, or a celebrity entourage, spending hours and hours together, whenever the B and G want. But such group time has not been traditional, and lots and lots of people do not choose to do it. You cannot expect everyone to put a tv fantasy ahead of real life. People like your FI get disappointed if they believe the unrealistic fantasy that weddings are more important than anything, for the wedding party. It is sad to see things you plan on not happen. His disappointment is real, and I feel sorry for that, for anyone. But is not GM fault that groom had unrealistic expectations. It is more a life happens, live and learn thing. Just enjoy the good things you get. Don't let not getting everything you want, upset you so you have bitter feelings, and do not enjoy what things do work out. Let it go.
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Devoted April 2022
Amber · on September 21, 2019 at 1:04 AM
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I’ve been a bridesmaid many times and I’ve never missed a rehearsal, rehearsal dinner or any other pre-wedding event. If you agree to be in someone’s BP, I personally feel that you’re making a commitment to attend the pre-wedding events and the wedding itself. If someone absolutely can’t get off work, there’s nothing that can be done about that so I’d let that one go (assuming the GM actually tried to request off). The GM whose SO is working should definitely attend without the SO.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on September 21, 2019 at 7:52 AM
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Not everyone even has a rehearsal and attendance isn't mandatory. Most adults can find their way down the aisle with little to no instruction. I do think it's a bit of a cop out to not attend because their SO is working (just come without them?) but if the actual groomsmen can't get off work, that's more understandable. Your FH is allowed to be upset and his feelings are valid, but at the end of the day, he needs to let it go. There's nothing that either of you can do about it.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on September 21, 2019 at 11:41 AM
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I'd consider it odd if everyone had plenty of advanced notice to plan around this with work. However, people need money (especially when they're in someone else's wedding - it does get pricy) and work is necessary for that. Maybe a bit odd, but I wouldn't let it ruin the day. Plus, the "rehearsal" of the rehearsal dinner is to ensure things go smoothly, but the "dinner" is somewhat of a "thank you" to the wedding party (at least that's my understanding) for helping out with everything, so if they want to miss their own thank you, that's their choice.
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October 2020
Fleur · on September 21, 2019 at 11:50 AM
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Ugh! I’d be asking the same question as you lol. Cmon people... it’s your close friend’s WEDDING!!

Anyway not to worry- things will go just fine, you sound like a chill bride (I’m actually glad you posted this as a reminder that things will indeed come up that we’ll have to deal with, and breathe, remain calm lol).
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on September 23, 2019 at 1:07 PM
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I think him being upset is fine, but he will have to get over it. Unfortunately, some people need hourly wages more than anything or can't get PTO off so they can't make it. Here was our attendance at our wedding & wedding events:
Bachelor Party: 15 guys (two groomsmen missed it)
Bachelorette Party: Night 1 - 5 bridesmaids, Night 2 - 6 bridesmaids (I had 9 BM total)
Bridal Shower: MOH + 2 bridesmaids
Rehearsal (Friday Morning): 7 bridesmaids + 4 groomsmen (missing 2 bridesmaids + 6 groomsmen)
Rehearsal Dinner (Friday Evening): 1 groomsmen couldn't attend.
We had a large wedding party, and people traveling in. People couldn't make it to events, it wasn't a big deal! We enjoyed all the events with everyone who could attend.
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Jill · on September 24, 2019 at 8:25 AM
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Is there travel for either of these SO? Maybe traveling solo isn't an option. Maybe they have kids so if one SO is working then the other one needs to be home to watch the kids.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on September 24, 2019 at 6:13 PM
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It can be upsetting just because you give adequate amount of time for them to know and plan but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
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