Rehearsal Dinner. Should i be upset or not?

I think it’s a little strange. Especially since it will be your bridal party etc. some of who may not even know your dad. Maybe have your FH tell FMIL that we should plan something special just for dad so all the focus can be on him and we can invite anyone important to him who wouldn’t normally be at a rehearsal dinner (ie his coworkers). Also you could ask what she means by something special. Are they just going to bring a cake out at the end? Or is it going to be the focus of the night. That may help you decide if it’s really something worth saying anything about. But full honesty, I would be annoyed that my rehearsal dinner was being a bit hijacked

Ya, she wouldn’t disclose details when I asked what “special” meant. And FIL is having a party at work the day before that (his last day) so I’m not really sure why it’s even being brought up at the rehearsal dinner. I feel that YES, absolutely, he deserves a cake and a party and all of that stuff for retirement. But maybe do it another time...

That is a little weird, especially if some guest may not even know your FFIL. In the end it may not matter as your big day will be tomorrow. If they start to make a big fuss about dad, let them.

I can see it both ways. It is really rude to just spring that on you and I wouldn’t want to have my retirement party at the same time that my son’s friends and their SOs are there and not my friends. Maybe it does have to do with money, but I would ask FMIL what she had in mind, if it’s just a toast or sharing a cake or something small like that I wouldn’t let it bother me

This would annoy me. Maybe if they had a special little dessert for him at the end or something that's fine I guess but it's your day and its special and that should not be going on at the same time
I would say something to fh to tell his mom lol

View Quoted Comment True. That is a good point. And the only ones who know FFIL are FH and his 2 siblings, and my parents. I’m hoping that my parents don’t get really upset by this tho. I haven’t said anything to them about it, mainly bc I didn’t know if it was a big deal, or if I was just extra sensitive right now. Lol

View Quoted Comment I did say something to FH and he said he’d figure out what’s actually going on so we could address it.

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If your parents and family are unaware of FFILs retirement, I would give them a little heads up that the family would like to have a duel celebration and that you're okay with it.

Side story: when I graduated from high school my graduation landed on the same day as my dad's 50th birthday. My parents wanted to have a double party with all of our family and my friends. At first I didn't like it because I was 18 and stupid. After the ceremony, everyone was to meet at our house and party. To this day it was one of my favorite memories and my friends and I still talk about it so many years later. Sometimes you just never know...

View Quoted Comment I don’t think it has anything to do with money as she was willing to pay $30 a plate for 15 people plus alcohol. I think it was more about not wanting to plan a party for him. And I’m completely fine with him having his grand dinner and a special dessert, just maybe don’t take over the whole thing... I would probably feel more at ease with it if she would just tell me what she has planned. That’s also the part that scares me! Now I’m left thinking that she won’t tell because it’s a whole thing and she knows we’d be upset with it.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, that would make me really anxious as well. I’m sorry that’s happening. I would also feel better knowing what to expect, I hope they don’t try to steal your evening because that’s just not fair to you and yours

View Quoted Comment I would be ok with a small congrats to dad, not turning the whole thing into a retirement party. And there wasn’t a “hey is this ok?” Or “can we do this too?” I was just told, “we’re doing something special for dad at the rehearsal dinner.” And I feel like I’m in a spot where I can’t say anything bc she’s paying for it. Which I didn’t ask for, she insisted they pay, since my parents gave us $ for other things in the wedding. It kind of felt like (looking back on it now) well if I just pay for this then I can do whatever I want with it.

View Quoted Comment Thanks! At least I know I’m not completely in the wrong feeling this way!

My opinion - look at it this way. She's planning on doing something additional at the rehearsal dinner, NOT the wedding day.

When all is said and done, no one is going to have long-term memories of the rehearsal dinner. It's the wedding that is the main event. Focus on that, give her this opportunity, and keep harmony in the family.

Try to be open about how this may be causing you anxiety. Blame it on pre wedding stress and you just wanna have an idea of how the night will flow. Be honest that you don’t want to have too many surprises the day before your wedding as you may already be stressed enough. Or have FH relay this message. She may not even realize this is causing you stress

I'd be furious, sorry. Rehearsal dinners are about weddings and family, not about retirements. Of course saying some gracious words at the dinner about his retirement is one thing but doing something "special" is another.
Definitely find out what mom has planned.

If you think it's rude, then it's rude, simple as that. I'm in a wedding in a few weeks where the brother of the grooms birthday is the day before the wedding. We're making him a little cake at the rehearsal dinner. Brides doesnt care at all, we're all very close, it'll be a good laugh and a good way to welcome him home since he's been away for a while. But it absolutely would be okay for her to put her foot down if she didn't want us to, and if we had even the smallest clue that she didn't want it to happen, it wouldn't be happening. 100%. Plus I wouldn't imagine us telling her we were "doing something special for him!" and refusing to give details, so nerve racking. Yes, they're paying, but that does not mean they get to turn it into a second party. Very ok for you to put a stop to that. Do it kindly, ask to take whatever it is and make it a surprise for dad the day before when he gets home from his work party. Write up a sweet note for your dad, tell your mom you aren't comfortable reading it in front of all those guests and you want to take whatever this is and make it really special the day before. Start with expressing reasons it will be better the night before, and if she still doesn't stop, tell her you are playing the bride card and you're uncomfortable with it being at the rehearsal dinner.

Why don't you tell FMIL, let's do a separate retirement party

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I completely agree. It is odd and I would be annoyed. I also feel like that will make your other guests feel a little out of place when they arrive prepared for a rehearsal dinner and not a retirement party. I would try to get her to tell you what it is because if it is just a toast or something I would say ok, but your rehearsal dinner is just that: a rehearsal dinner for you wedding the next day. It's not about any one else.

View Quoted Comment Hmmm.... I see what you’re saying. There were other factors here too. Like everything I’ve asked her to do for the wedding was a HUGE inconvenience for her. I’d say “could you do this?” Or “help me with that?” And all I got was “welll...I guessss I could.....if you really need me to...” and then with this rehearsal dinner, it’s been completely altered from what we decided on. She asked us to pick out a menu, we did, she changed it. She asked us to pick a time, we did, she changed it. She insisted on paying, then added more expensive items to the menu, THEN called me to complain about the price. Saying “I’m not paying that amount, that’s ridiculous!!” So to have her then make it a retirement thing too........

View Quoted Comment Ohhh!! Good idea!! I just might have to do this!! Thanks!!