Rehearsal Dinner - Giant List

So personally I've never heard of inviting out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner.

That being said, your MIL is hosting this event and she invites who she invites.

@LindseyO I guess I've never heard of it either actually, I think that is what she told me... but thinking about it I've only been invited to one rehearsal dinner and it was pretty much a destination wedding for everyone except the bride and groom.

Also many of the out of towners lived in our town at one point and would probably want to catch up with old friends rather than spend their entire weekend doing our wedding stuff! haha

@FiddlinBritt FINE! only because you're like the 5th person to tell me that.

Traditionally RD should include all out of town guests, but I think this is becoming less common. If you do keep it intimate, you should make sure it's only immediate family and wedding party to avoid hurt feelings. However as pp have said, if she's paying for it, it's her decision.

I had the EXACT same problem when we first got engaged except it was because of HIS huge family. I tried to convince my MIL and my fiance that it's too many people and I don't want the few people from my family and friends in the bridal party to feel like they're crashing her event. Since it's her family and she played the "it's a tradition in our family" card I decided to back off. I honestly considered going bridezilla and insisting to cut the numbers but opted to keep the peace and pick my battles. Since it's your family that's making the guest list too big I think you have more say and you could try to convince her that it's not necessary. Personally, I've never been invited to a rehearsal dinner when I wasn't in the bridal party so I think it must be a regional/family thing.

I also had this problem and firmly put my foot down to my mother on OOT guests. With just mine and FH's Grandparents, parents, bridal party, aunts/uncles/first cousins (yes I know they could be cut but I don't want to cut them as we're all very close) it's 65ish people. I'm just happy we aren't doing OOT folks as well or else it would be insane.

@Caitlin my family is actually really small, it's just all the out of town guests... which I'd rather cut out! Thank you for sharing your experience!

If she is paying, she gets to do what she wants....sorry. No Shiny, "traditionally" the RD only includes the people at the rehearsal, their SO's and possibly the officiant and musicians, if they are at the rehearsal.

Good luck. It sounds like she's trying to grandstand a bit. Who wants a 60 person party the day before the wedding?

no one.

I think that inviting all OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner is etiquette that is a little out-dated, but I know some parents can dig in on this If your FMIL is fine with paying for all those people, then go for it! But you can also limit it to just immediate families, wedding party and their dates.

To make everyone happy, we did a rehearsal dinner with just family and wedding party, then hosted a welcome reception for all guests who were in town that night (OOT or otherwise) after the rehearsal dinner!

Traditionally you do invite out of towners to the rehearsal dinner but it is much more common now to only invite those involved in the wedding and their dates.

If your FMIL is paying and hosting, let her do what she wants but you can also tell her to not feel obligated to invite the people from out of town.

We haven't decided what we are doing for rehearsal dinner yet but i was only anticipating the bridal party and their SO's and immediate family. I think tradition is OOT guests are invited to feel included but a lot of people have been shying away from that tradition. If your FMIL is paying she dictates who will be invited. You can always run it by her and let her know you don't mind it being more intimate and let her make the final decision.

We are having 125 people at the wedding and about 60 people for the rehearsal dinner - bridal party and out of town family only. FMIL is paying for the extra family members and we are paying for our bridal party and immediate family because 60 people adds up and she wanted to include her family from OOT

If we invited OOT guests we'd have 160 people. HaHa!! Ive flown into a bunch of weddings and never been invited to a rehearsal dinner. I think the se dinners should be reserved for wedding party only. If they are walking down the aisle they get an invitation.

My mil is paying and we have 55 inculding out of town guests and wedding party. I let her run with it.

Sorry @Celia, that's the way I've always been told, but recently have been seeing more just wp, family, etc. so thought it was swapped. My mistake.

Question for you (Celia)-I know to invite officiant for sure if he/she is at the rehearsal, but what about if not? We're inviting ours either way because we're close with him (not exactly a friendor, we're just friends with our rabbi. He's getting paid) but I was curious if that was expected/standard. I figure he's pretty important to the whole event, we should include him in everything.

Rehearsal dinner. That's why it's called that.

@Shiny If you're close to your officiant, invite them. If they're a paid gun, like me, you COULD invite them, but they will probably say no. It' nice of you to ask!

I think your MIL is planning what's usually called a welcome dinner. That's what I've seen it called when non rehearsal dinner people are invited to it and if it's a lot of OOT guests. If she's paying for it, just let her have this party. It's not my cup of tea since 60 people is bigger than my wedding the following day + I believe adults can find things to do by themselves in a new town. Unless you want to take over the event and pay for it yourself (beware of stepping on toes with this plan) I say just go with it. She's not doing this with negative will towards anything. She just seems excited.

@bee yeah NOPE not planning or paying for another party, wedding is enough for me! haha I just don't want her to feel obligated or feel rude because Miss Manners (or whoever) said you must invite these groups of people. And I shudder to think of how much she will be spending, I don't want her to feel pressure or spend beyond her means.

Thank you everyone for your feedback and helping me decide how to respond.

Your MIL is hosting, so ultimately it is her call. Have you told her you would prefer a more intimate group of people? I would tell her your preference, but again ultimately its her call who is invited.

Also, keep in mind some of those OOT guests may decline.