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Expert November 2019

Rehearsal Dinner Etiquette

Erin, on October 17, 2019 at 12:00 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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So, my FH and I are getting married about an hour and a half from home. We have family coming from out of state and family coming from instate about two hours from the venue. Since FH’s mother does not have much money and we want to keep the rehearsal dinner small and intimate, we want to keep the rehearsal dinner to those who are there to help decorate and those who are involved in and there for the rehearsal. This way, we don’t end up spending tons of money on what could be considered a pre-wedding reception. Well, a few weeks ago my mom mentioned my aunt and uncle coming to the rehearsal dinner. They are from out of state and their daughter (who is out and living on her own) is a BM, but I told my mom what we want to do. She then told me that we are technically having a DW and that all out of town guests should be invited. We can not afford that right now. My mom offered for them to pay. I told her that wasn’t the point, though. We still want a small group. Then, this past Sunday night, we went to dinner with my parents, my brother, SIL, niece, and nephew. My dad slid in that his brother and SIL are coming to the rehearsal dinner and that afterwards we are all going to their cabin to celebrate my aunt’s birthday. Am I being selfish? I don’t want to spend the night celebrating her birthday. I’m going to have some friends from out of town and I’d like to spend time with them while they’re here. FH is having a really hard time with these comments, too. It almost feels like our day is being highjacked.

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5 Comments

Latest activity by MOB So Cal, on October 17, 2019 at 3:15 PM

VIP September 2019
Lauren · on October 17, 2019 at 12:05 PM
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Inviting people from out of town is optional.
I would sit down with you parents and have a discussion about them inviting people to your event without asking.
You can decline your aunt's birthday party and spend time with your friends since it was the previous plan.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on October 17, 2019 at 12:10 PM
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Inviting out of town guests is optional. If you don't want to, don't. Tell your parents to stop inviting people, they're only making themselves look bad. Your aunt still deserves to celebrate her birthday, it doesn't conflict with your wedding in any way. If you can't/don't want to attend, politely decline.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on October 17, 2019 at 12:24 PM
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It's ultimately up to you. If it were me, and my mom offered to pay, I'd just include out of town guests. When you have a lot of guests coming in from out of town & state, it's nice to have more time with them than just the wedding reception.
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Master October 2017
karen · on October 17, 2019 at 12:47 PM
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Your parents are way out of line. They do not get to invite people. The only ones owed an invite are wedding party members and parents. And to say "everyone" is going to aunts Bday party, they can go. Stand your ground.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on October 17, 2019 at 3:15 PM
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I can see both sides and just think you & FH need to decide what you prioritize and then stick with it. If you want a small intimate RD because that’s what you want (not related to budget), then stick to that. But, if your primary objection is budget, and your parents are willing to pay the difference, then I’d “go big.” For daughter’s wedding, the wedding party alone with SOs and immediate family was about 30 people already. But, about 30% of the remaining guest list coming in from cross country & international. We just decided to invite all of them. I think invites for the RD went to ~55 people, and we ended up with around 45. We had a buffet in a private room of a brewery/restaurant. It was super fun! B&G and the wedding party were at one long table and all the family members were at another. It gave different sides of the family a chance to meet and/or catch-up. It lasted probably 2.5 hrs, and afterward everyone went to heir own way.

I also understand about the bday party. For daughter’s January wedding, one of my brothers suggested we organize a belated Christmas celebration since all our family “would be together.” As the brides family, we thought that was ridiculous and rude, but said, “great! Have fun, but we’ll have to skip it — too much to do!” (It never happened!) Good luck!
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