Rehearsal Dinner Drama- i would really like honest opinions

Neither is wrong. The bare minimum is those involved in the rehearsal, inviting out of town guests is courteous, but not a necessity.

Stand your ground it is your wedding and rehearsal dinner. It makes no sense to have a gathering that big the day before.

Like usual, I agree with Caytlyn. Either option is reasonable, but the decision of which to do should belong to you and fiance. If you only want wedding party members, then that's what it should be. If MIL isn't okay with that, and pulls her funding, then you might need to figure out something different to cover the costs without help from her. Personally, I think each spouse should handle their own parent/family, so I think FH should be the one to talk with his mom and explain that what she is proposing is NOT what you want -- in terms of the guest list and in terms of sharing hosting with your mom. Good luck! I think it's important to establish boundaries with people who seem to want to overstep.

PS condolences on your dad's passing....

PSS all that said, we paid for daughter and SIL's RD (and most of the wedding) and with their approval, invited both the wedding party and all out-of-town guests. It worked well for us, but the B&G were totally on-board.

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Thanks! I think the last two points are really good and something FH and I have talked about. Even SIL thinks MIL waits til FH is at work to start stuff. He is taking over after shift. which I am so thankful for. He knows her better. Also, thank you about my dad.

I am so sorry for your loss.


I think your issue has more to do with boundaries and less to do with etiquette. She texts you, rather than her own son, when he can't answer the phone. She pulls the purse strings card, out of nowhere, when originally she was splitting the cost. IMO, that's a power play. FH needs to put his foot down with her. She doesn't get to unilaterally change things up like this.

I was never aware of needing to invite out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner until joining wedding wire. We just attended a wedding recently as out of town guests and we weren’t invited to the rehearsal dinner (which is totally fine). We are also planning to have only close family & friends/bridal party at our rehearsal dinner in the future.

I've never heard of out of town guests unless she's just being courteous - feeding them so they dont have to fend for themselves. But it is traditional for the grooms parents to pay the open bar and rehearsal dinner. I understand that your father wanted to contribute - and my condolences for your loss. I would definitely adjust the list - explain that if she wants to pay for that many guests its very kind but - add your family that she is forgetting and I would call with a quote for the total cost of the group (may you will get a discount for catering) and give her that cost. I would also explain that your father had specifically wanted to contribute to this. She hopefully isn't being insensitive on purpose. Maybe she doesn't know that this was a wish of his and that it has upset you this deeply.

I don't think it is necessary to invite all out of town guests to your rehearsal. The point of the rehearsal and dinner is for people who are involved in the ceremony and immediate family to be familiar with the venue and each other. I think when you make it too large, you lose that feeling of an intimate dinner. What might work for you is having a welcome reception after your rehearsal. You could invite out of town guests to a local bar, your home, or the hotel bar and have an informal welcome with apps and drinks.

Either is acceptable, as long as she’s including both sides of the family and not specifically cutting yours out, in my opinion. Also, you have enough to worry about with the rest of the wedding. Think carefully how much this bothers you and how much you want to fight someone taking over a little bit of planning and a small part of the big bill for you.


Parents get excited to get their family together. Assuming positive intent here, perhaps it would help smooth things over to have some ideas how you guys can have the best of both worlds. For example, perhaps you have a smaller dinner for wedding party and immediate family. Once dinner is over any extended family and out-of-town guest can stop by for informal drinks. Or perhaps she wants to cover one round of drinks with a toast to kick off the informal, extended family part? Or perhaps keep the rehearsal dinner small again and she can do an extended family breakfast or brunch the morning after. At any rate, my point is think creatively and approach her problem with solutions and you may be able to settle this more quickly and less painfully. 😁

I think as long as she is including immediate family, everyone in the wedding (plus their significant others), then it's fine whoever she invites additionally. It's also hard to tell someone what to do if they are paying for it. We had a large rehearsal dinner with 70 people (125 at the wedding total) and we really loved it. No one got drunk, but we obviously served alcohol. I think if you want to handle all the planning & hosting, you should probably just pay for it & tell your MIL no thank you.

So, I had talked with this with my mom too. She was thinking we needed to invite all of the out of town guests...which more or less would be about 75% of the invited reception members. My FH's parents have now offered to pay for the rehearsal, and they don't have a lot of money, so I was able to talk to my mom about it being just the immediate family, wedding party, and grandparents. I had brought up to her that when we went to my cousin's wedding a few years ago, we weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner, and we were considered out-of-town guests at the time. Definitely should be what is affordable, but if your MIL is not including any of your family, then that is wrong.

With her pulling the "I'm paying for it" card, I would gently decline her offer to pay for it, let your mom pay half like she wanted, and if you can, you and your FH cover the other half. That way you can do what you want still without having your MIL pull that. I'm sorry (not really), but when people play that card, it annoys the heck out of me. It is YOUR wedding, it doesn't matter who is paying for it. It is YOUR rehearsal dinner, not her party. If she wants to invite that many people (and not include your family), then she can host her own party elsewhere.

View Quoted Comment Thanks all! FH stepped in and found a great solution. We are going to have our small rehearsal dinner and then have a pay your way brunch the day following the wedding. MIL wanted time with the whole family which makes sense. I think we both were just way too stressed and couldnt figure each other out. FH did great!