Rehearsal dinner drama! Help!

Your mother is 100% in the wrong here. I get her wanting to feed her side of the family, but to ask to do it on FH's family's dime? Not okay.

Is she willing to pay for the extra guests she wants to invite? That may be a good compromise. If not, tell her there's nothing you can do because you are not the ones paying for the rehearsal dinner, and you should be at the rehearsal dinner because someone is paying for you to be there.

Maybe you can go see your mother's family once the rehearsal dinner has ended.

I really think you need to say no to your Mom in this case. You and FH should be at your originally planned /scheduled rehearsal dinner with your 30 guests. Your Mom is being very unfair to you, FH and FH's family. Obviously you can't control whether she attends your rehearsal or not or whether she plans a party for others in her family but you can definitely tell her that you'll be at your rehearsal dinner. Would it work with your FILs if they expanded the guest list for the rehearsal and your Mom paid for that? She seems willing to host all these people on her dime that night so perhaps they could co-host together? If not, then my original advice stands.

I believe OOT guests should be invited to the RD, but given the amount that you have and that your FIL's are paying I think a compromise is needed. Like your mom, I would feel the need to feed my family but maybe she can arrange for a meal at the hotel for them while the rest of you are at the RD. I understand her wanting you to spend time with the guests, but not at the cost of shirking your responsibilities to your WP. Could the OOT guests maybe meet up after dinner for a couple drinks on your mom's dime?

Your Mom's intentions are good (towards her friends and family) but terrible towards you and your FIL's. Whether or not OOT's should be hosted is a point for debate, but your Mom's place is by your side at the RD. Trying to get you and your FH to skip the rehearsal dinner is absurd.

She does have choices:

-she can speak to FMIL and ask if all the OOT's can be included at your Mom's expense. If she wants to increase the guest list for the RD, she needs to include all OOT's, not just her family and it needs to be on her dime. FMIL however, has the final say if she wants to do this or not.

- she can arrange a dinner for her OOT family and friends, at the hotel or a nearby restaurant. She an ask a close relative to host in her absence. She can join them later for drinks or dessert and coffee.

- she can give vouchers to all her OOOT family and friends for a restaurant of her choice. She can make arrangements with the restaurant (perhaps give the guests a limited menu) prepare a printed voucher, and leave her credit card information with the restaurant. That way her guests can eat at whatever time works for them.

We are doing an Rehearsal Lunch(BP and immediate family) and then Welcome Drinks where all out of town guests are invited as well. If she is concerned about feeding them as the hotel to provide a small buffet before the Welcome Drinks?

Could your mom contribute to the cost of extra people? We are only having immediate family, wedding party and significant others, and it's about $40 people. It's costing us $2,000 so we aren't willing to add all extended family, because that would be closer to 100 people.

An 80 person rehearsal dinner is basically a second wedding reception. This is just a suggestion but could you do a rehearsal brunch or Lunch? We're not in the same situation but we're doing a rehearsal lunch because the place we wanted to have our rehearsal dinner at wouldn't let us come later than 2. Then you could have a family dinner with your mom at night? Otherwise I would say no to your mom, especially if your future in-laws are paying.

You've had some excellent suggestions from PP.

What we did that helped with this issue is we had a rehearsal lunch with the bridal party only and then dinner at our house for our out of town family. That way we got to spend time with both parties and we got extra time with our family we don't get to see much. Is there anyway your rehearsal can be earlier in the day so your mom can host another get together (ideally inviting your FH and his parents).

Maybe go for drinks after rehearsal dinner and a round on her instead?