Rehearsal Dinner Advice

Have your fiancé talk to them. A simple "We would like to help upgrade the bar package for the rehearsal dinner so no one has to pay for their drinks" should be a pretty simple conversation. What would be sneaky is if you did it behind their backs.

Well its super kind of your in-laws to book a restaurant and cover the meal, I d make sure to send a thank you note or some flowers for that. Talk to your partner and get his feelings on cash bar vs open bar (or these the only options or can you do beer and wine for dinner if anybody wants something else they can get it themselves) if you both decide you should do open bar have him have that discussion with his parents. Personally I agree with at a wedding reception whenever possible everything should be covered by the hosts but I do think rehearsal dinners have gotten out of hand, sometimes they become like mini receptions. I wouldn't be upset with a cash bar at a rehearsal dinner, would soft drinks be included? Its definitely a know your crowd situation but try not to get too stressed about it.

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I have thanked his dad for booking the dinner, however that's really all they're getting from me.

As I've said Planning with them has not been easy as everything we tell them in regards to planning they have an input on cause "they're helping pay" when in reality my parents have paid for every single thing for this wedding, and when my parents asked to talk about the cost of the wedding cause the guest list is now more than they budgeted for (due to his parents adding people we didn't want to invite, which now results in 84 of his guests and 50 of mine when we wanted to stay at 125) they dodge the conversation.

Soda will be provided. There is the option for beer and wine, however, it's only $5 less pp than an open bar.

I'm fine with the cash bar, and I talked to one of my bridesmaids who also said it's not a big deal since the wedding the next day is open bar. But people on here were very adamant that I needed an open bar. Thank you for your input!

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Thank you for your input.

If we do decide to do this FH would definitely be the one to field the conversation with his parents. But the most simple conversations with them send his mom into a tizzy, so I just want everything straight before we do decide.

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I hear ya sorry its been so stressful. My mom always said kill em with kindness , not always easy but definitely worth it. You can't control how other people act only how you do so hold your head up high and try not to let the negativity pull you down, Every area and social circle is different I don't think there is anything wrong with a cash bar at a rehearsal dinner but if you and your partner want to include drinks I d go the beer and wine route and save the $5 pp, every little bit saved helps. You don't need a full bar for a rehearsal dinner. Best of luck to you!

I'm surprised that everyone said you needed an open bar!

It is a shame that you can't have a relaxed discussion with them, but it sounds as though you might hurt your relationship with your partner's parents by potentially implying that they haven't done 'enough'.

I wonder if you could simply offer to buy everyone the first round as a way of thanking them?

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Some people were harsh, I was told i'd be looked at as rude for asking people to open their wallets!

The idea of offering first round is actually a great compromise! Thank you for that suggestion!

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I mean, its 2022! If we don't want to follow traditions and old fashioned 'etiquette' we don't have to!

I'm not knocking anybody who enjoys these traditions and wants to follow traditional etiquette, but I don't believe there is a blanket rule for everybody. Whatever is right for you is right for you.

I'm against popular opinion here, but I think cash bars are fine. Especially if it's for you rehearsal dinner. There's no need to add any more strain to your relationship, just thank him and relax.

I think there are way worse things than a cash bar at a rehearsal dinner. Those in attendance are (supposedly) your nearest and dearest, and they should be glad just to have the time together to celebrate. They can go one night without a free drink, especially when they'll have an open bar to enjoy the next night. My FMIL got in a twist about only being able to provide however many drinks per person, but I doubt anybody is going to get plastered the night before when everyone who will be there is going to be IN the wedding the next day.

If you think your fiancé talking with his parents about the two of you covering the bar or first round will be productive then go for it, but I really don't think it's worth the headache if it's just going to cause more problems.

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Thank you!

The group commenting here is much more supportive than my other post about this, where I mentioned if we were hosting the rehearsal we'd probably have to do a cash bar since we couldn't cover both dinner and drinks!

I feel the same way but the last group of people kept telling me a cash bar was tacky and rude and people would "speak badly amongst themselves" .

All these responses have definitely calmed my nerves about it.

At an event your family is hosting though, it's good that guests don't have to pay anything to subsidize the cost of the event. It is against etiquette, and we're here on the etiquette board. There's a reason people were trying to discourage the cash bar idea.

I would have your FI tell his Dad that you're hosting the open bar for everyone, end of story. No negotiation.

Some people are just difficult. It would be good for your and your FI worked on boundaries and saying "no" to his parents, because this is likely to be a life long pattern.

Best of luck!

Hello I had some arounds with my now STB MIL its they are going to makes waves especially about there son. But may I ask why is the rehearsal dinner at a large number. I do think that you doing that behind their backs may send a message to them that you were ungrateful. And may come off as rude to them so discuss it with your fiancee first before you do the open bar. And I hope that you guys can put down the gloves persay and develop a respectable and loving relationship going forward. I'm happy that me and mines were able to put our differences aside.Before she gotten sick we talk on the phone many many times we had luncheons etc. And loves my other kids and we have a daughter together. I pray that you have a good relationship with them both

I would have your fiancé let the parents know that the two of you have decided to add the open bar and will cover the cost.

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Our rehearsal dinner is at 30 people because we each have 7 people in our bridal party, almost all of which are in relationships so their significant others are also invited, then add on our parents, my brother and his girlfriend and our ring bearer and his parents.

I was never going to do it behind their backs, I was going to make it known I was doing it.

The damage to the relationship is done, at no fault of mine. FMIL has made her bed and until I get a proper apology for the way I've been treated and she acknowledges her behavior was wrong and borderline abusive (i.e screaming in my face that I ruined her life after discussing what we all wanted for dinner one night (she wanted Chinese the other 6 of us wanted pizza), and then screamed in my face again another night for using the "wrong" cutting board) I am cordial, but I'm not gonna kiss her butt like she wants me to... All attempts to mend the relationship, i.e me suggesting family therapy for all of us, have been ignored, so I'm done trying to repair what she broke.

View Quoted Comment Oh ok but the rest of what you have described and have been thru for the things that very minor. She has literally been have a tantrum for no apparent reason and the whole yelling in your face was very very disrespectful. My dear I am so sorry for what you have been through I didn't know the full out extend of her behavior. I do applaud you for still putting up with it, but you love her son so much. I definitely agree with what you said and now I see how it be came 30 ppl wow. I do apologize if I offend not my intentions at all

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Oh hun no offense at all!

View Quoted Comment Ok thank you I really do hope things do work out for all of you. Have a great wedding Pray and pray and Breathe lol lol from what I've read you are a strong person.Happy planning

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I had a friend whose wedding was on the other side of the country, and they had a cash bar at their reception. We're still friends. At the end of the day, people who truly care about you will continue to care about you, even if they have to pay $5-$10 for a drink.

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Thank you! I feel the same way