Reexplaining Myself

I don't really see the point in commenting on every event that's transpired since she joined your bridal party, so I'll just say that if you kick her out of your bridal party, you'll almost certainly ruin your friendship. So there's the decision for you to make, whether or not you care to have her in your life in the future.

It sounds to me like you wanted to use your wedding to reconnect with your friend and it's having the opposite effect.

At this point I would say if you're ok with not being this girls friend ever again, I'd just ask her to step down but you'll probably lose this friendship.

If you want to continue to be her friend, just realize this is how she acts in these situations and you just have to accommodate her or deal with it.

I would just have a real conversation with her, and ask her if she really wants to be in the bridal party. You could say she is welcome to come as a guest, and you know being in a bridal party is a ton of work. I personally think dictating things like shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, nails, etc. is too much for a bride to do. No one notices those things at all on a bridesmaid, so to avoid drama I'd just let her do whatever she wants beyond the dress.

Did you make a new account for this post? Jw.

I agree with some of what was said to you previously on the last post you made about this. It doesn't sound like she's being very understanding but it also doesn't sound like you are. Her not being able to make a party because of money shouldn't even be listed on your complaint list, that's completely understandable. Most bridesmaids/MOH are allowed to do whatever they want with their hair. I could get her annoyance if you came off like you were choosing her hair. I'd especially be annoyed if you "suggested" I put on/in fake hair for your wedding. Also, most bridesmaids/MOH pick their own shoes based on your color scheme. So it seems she's not entirely in the wrong. She may be combative, but I can guarantee you or one of your bridesmaids have also said or done something to upset her, even if you don't realize it. I'd say talk to her in person alone and try and figure it out.

Honestly, going off of what you said -- you seem to be choosing quite a bit for your girls despite saying you're not. You might not realize it, but from what I'm reading -- she didn't want heels and you picked another shoe for her that'd work and she didn't want your suggestion of half-up/down and you suggested fake hair to get the look (which I would have been livid with you, myself because is her look not good enough for you? remember, you come off certain ways saying things).

While I'm not saying you haven't been an accommodating bride that can budge and far from a bridezilla that wants things 'her way' and 'now' -- you can't exactly say you haven't been choosing? Suggestions are choices from brides. They're what you're probably expecting or trying to nudge people towards, despite trying to give them freedoms that maybe you assume others don't give.

I told my girls that they need silver shoes and that they could keep their hair up / down, just make sure it looks nice. While I'm not choosing a lot for them and they have a lot of flexibility, those are still choices.

Honestly, have you ever thought that she regrets stepping down as MoH? You said that she battles with mental issues and maybe she expected you to talk her out of it or to help her? I mean, it's not necessarily your job, but look at it from her PoV.

Also, like PP have said -- if you drop her completely from the party, you lose her most likely (and she's probably not bothering with coming to your wedding) and if you keep her on, you should keep your expectations how they are or at least talk to her in an adult and civil manner that isn't accusatory. What she's doing isn't fun, but no where did I really see that you sat down and had a chat about her feelings on the whole ordeal or even why she dropped as MoH.

So I guess I missed a previous post, so I might be missing a lot of info... But I think you should sit down with her and first ask if everything's ok with her. She seems to be combative with every little thing and you're being accommodating. Maybe she has work stress and she's taking this on as additional stress. Maybe she's dealing with some family stuff. Friend-to-friend, sit down with her over some coffee or something and just catch-up as friends. You might learn there's something going on in the background and that's why she's acting like this. If the wedding is putting too much stress on her, maybe that's when you ask if she still wants to be in the party or just attend as a guest. I wouldn't cut her from the wedding party without really trying to see what's going on.

Unpopular opinion time: I think you're fine with what you've been asking of your bridesmaids. Everyone's wedding experience is different, so kudos to all of the brides who seem to have no issues with their bridesmaids. I, too, have become more specific with what I've been telling my bridesmaids to get because honestly it reigns them in. At first, I said get whatever dress, whatever shoes, etc. but that honestly caused chaos between them because then one became too controlling, one was too passive, the passive ones got offended, etc. Just tell them what you want them to wear, how their hair should be, etc. It makes your life easier and probably theirs because they're not trying to guess what you like -- you don't need to deal with that additional stress and worrying. Give them options like what you did with the hair and they can choose from there. And obviously if there's a problem, I guarantee they'll let you know. I can tell you're just trying to be solutions-oriented and help remedy problems.

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Chandra, This made me laugh because I thought the same thing....

OP, the last line of your post says, "They are free to do what they wish." If that's true, then what's your concern? Let her do whatever she wants about her shoes, hair, and attending the bachelorette or whatever else. If your friendship with her means something to you, then just be glad she's going to be part of your wedding and let the rest go.... It sounds like you have other members of the bridal party that are more than happy to talk with you about your ideas and hang out with you. Can that be enough? Good luck.

I think it’s important to remember your bridesmaids are also your closest friends. And while we all get excited about our weddings, it’s important to remember there are friendships outside of that. Ask her how she’s doing, go to lunch without a wedding agenda...be a friend not a bride for a day and see where it goes.

I agree with sitting down with her and talking about things outside of the wedding planning. See how things are going in her life. On a separate occasion, or maybe at the end of that conversation, mention the wedding and make sure she still wants to be part of it. I would be upset if she was cussing at the rest of the wedding party too

You say that your wedding party is free to do what they want, but it doesn't come off that way. Picking out shoes and hairstyles for everyone is fine. I know some disagree with that but if you want a certain look, or you want everyone's shoes to match, that's ok. Sometimes things like that matter to people. I can't handle the thought of an uneven bridal party but plenty of people on here are fine with that. Everyone and every wedding is different.

I hope you can talk things out with your friend and you remain friends

"Now Stephanie has always had depression and anxiety as well so thats been a bit tricky with our relationship but I have always loved her to death and always have been there to help her though her rough patches."

I don't understand why you needed to bring up her mental health conditions? It seems like a weird thing to do since if you're best friends, obviously y'all would get through it together. No need to highlight it.

Regarding the hair situation, did you ask her what she wanted to do, aside from giving her "the freedom to choose" between two hairstyles? If she seems overwhelmed with everything she may have just needed a minute (read: a week or a month) without someone suggesting what she should do. Not an attack, just a thought.

Take her to coffee and open up about all that you and she are feeling. Try to step out of your shoes for a second and get on her level. She may have had other things going on that pushed her over the edge and that is how she reacted (cussing in the group chat). Good luck.

I don't understand why half of these issues are issues. Don't dictate hair style or shoe style. She doesn't need to attend pre-wedding events like showers and bachelorette parties.