Red flag?

I think this is actually a tough situation to be in. I personally believe marriage is a sacrament, and very much necessary in order to show 100% commitment to each other. That being said, I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t view marriage the same way as I do. (If I was in your situation I likely would have ended things after having the first conversation about marriage in Feb ‘19). BUT, I do think it’s very sweet, loving and genuine of him to agree to marriage because he knows is important to you. Obviously he’s willing to do something he probably wouldn’t do for anyone else, because he loves you and will do anything to be with you. He was thoughtful with his proposal, the ring, etc. Maybe marriage/relationship counseling might be a good option? Sounds like he’s more afraid of marriage because divorce has been so prevalent in his life. Not because he doesn’t want to be fully committed to you. I hope that makes sense and helps a little! Sending love! ❤️

I suppose it depends on if you think this alters his commitment to you. I know DH and I have differing views of marriage, if only because he was raised Catholic, and I'm agnostic. In addition, my parents divorced when I was a teen, his are still together. Every one is going to come to marriage with different views, simply because of our different experiences.

However, this is clearly bothering you.

So, you need to sit down and figure out what marriage means for *your* relationship. Will it change things? Is it giving you legal protections? Is it giving you financial advantages? Are you expecting the same thing or very different things?

It would likely help for you to go to some couples' counseling. DH and I did this before we even got engaged, and it improved our communication and our overall relationship so much! Reach out to your insurance or your local university, there are a lot of options for low-cost teletherapy right now.

I feel of course you both should feel the same its very pointless other wise. Just like a relationship a marriage is built upon two ppl not one bc then its no growth or patience. Me personally I wouldn't want to put myself st risk of marrying someone who not only his not ready but it also seems and he made it very clear he don't believe in marriage. Now it's ok not to have particular beliefs however knowing that is why there is no point in hurting yourself. Good luck

At*** typo

My parents had the same issue early in their relationship. I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag but it’s definitely worthy of a conversation. I believe from what he said that in his mind he is already committed to you completely and the standard practice of marriage has nothing to do with that. Some people believe that all it takes is partnering with someone and vowing to stay by their side, support, love them and this is only between those involved in the relationship. On a certain level it really is not that different than sharing that experience with your friends, families ... and the government. In his mind he probably thinks “my parents/friend got married and that still didn’t guarantee that they stayed together forever. They said that they would and that they were marrying their soulmates but it still couldn’t keep them together”. So he’s probably thinking if that’s the case what’s the point. I might as well just have a partner that I’m with and keep those vows between us because the future is not guaranteed and he doesn’t want a messy divorce like his parents had, it’s easier to just say “it’s over”. Then he meets you he sees how important this is to you and he is willing push those beliefs aside and in his words “do anything to make it work”. That takes a lot of love and courage. My dad has the same feelings about marriage and he my mother have been married since they were 19 and they're in their 60s now. Religion, tradition, culture and personal experience seems to be the only difference in how relationships are viewed. I don’t know you guys personally but I don’t see it as him not wanting to marry you or marrying you to appease you. I kind of see this as him marrying you because it’s you and you’re the only person that he would. If that’s not love and dedication idk what is.

I agree with Rebelle Fleur. My now hubby was actually the one who thought we would be dating for like, six or seven years before he proposed, and I felt like we were ready for real commitment after 2 years. But we talked about it, and I explained that even with my parents' messy divorce that I see marriage as something special and real and a true commitment between two people. He saw my side after we talked it through, then went ahead with proposing and planning a wedding with me. But he was the one saying, much like your guy, that marriage wasn't going to change how he felt about me. In his mind, he was already 1000% committed. Like Rebelle said, he's marrying you because he loves you and he knows its important to you. Heck, if you didn't have to wring his arm too much to propose than he gets how much this means to you and wants to make sure you are taken care of. Though he himself might not see marriage in the same light, that doesn't mean he doesn't see the importance of the meaning for you! That's a lucky thing to find in a partner.


My hubby could care less about most holidays. He could wave at Christmas as it goes by. But for me, holidays are fun and exciting. I love decorating for them, I love making themed food. I have a mother's day towel up in our bathroom right now! And even though he might not care, he sees how much it means to me and will go out of his way to help decorate or even once bought me an Easter decoration because he knew I would love it. Point is, your guy loves you like, a lot. A lot a lot. Please talk yourself down off of that ledge. Let him know that you're still a little anxious about if he really wants marriage, and he'll probably explain again that his feelings will not change with or without vows. He just wants to make sure you understand how committed he is to you, however you need to be shown that. You certainly didn't twist his arm, and honestly a lot of guys will probably view marriage as just the legal binding of what he already knows in his heart.

I think it’s very sweet and shows a level of commitment that he is willing to do it for you, because it matters so much to you. Of course there’s no difference in the relationship by signing a piece a paper, but he clearly wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

And about feeling the same way, you are two individuals with different views & opinions coming together in a sort of compromise. That’s reality and life in relationships.

I think he sounds like a normal man. Many men don’t see a need to get legally married but if he’s doing it for you he loves you. Lots of people are stressed over divorced parents and no one can predict the future. I think you guys are doing just fine.

He seems very committed and is getting married to you because he knows it’s important to you. I think you both have different ideas or what marriage is and why you’re doing it though. I don’t think it’s a massive red flag. Everyone will have a different concept of marriage based on life experience, religion, family etc. What is important is understanding and talking about what your marriage represents and your own expectations of being married to each other. Relationship counselling could be a great place to talk about these things and have someone ask questions that might open the discussion up. I know my husband was never someone that pictured getting married at all, even when we had been dating for a little. To him commitment had little to do with a legal ceremony (he’s not religious). Obviously things and opinions change (or don’t) but the most important thing is that you both have an understanding of what being married will mean.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. That is a naive, narrow minded view on his part. It's a legality. There are many things that married couples automatically get to do that unmarried couples don't. Have him Google "legal benefits of marriage" and he might change his mind.

He can't guarantee the future. No one can. But he says he'll do everything he can to make it work
He's doing this to make you happy, not because he believes marriage itself is important. But it's important to YOU, and that matters to him. As long as he's going to make the effort and he's doing this of his own free will, this is not a red flag.
If you have very specific views on marriage, for example, it's a religious sacrament, and he does not share the same belief, then that may be reflective of a bigger issue of a spiritual incompatibility.
Did you spend 7 years with this guy hoping he would suddenly change his views on the institution of marriage? Surely you knew that would not happen. He is giving you what you want, the end result is the same, he's going to put in every effort, and yet you are having doubts.
I get the vibe that you sometimes refrain from speaking up in the relationship. Stop being Cool Girl. You're going to be his wife. You went with the flow about getting married, about the ring, you let your partner chart the course for your mutual future. If you had a heart to heart with him about how you feel, and heard him reassure you that this is what HE wants, I think you would not feel so doubtful.

I 1000% agree with Willow! You’re going to be his wife, it’s okay to not be the Cool Girl. Your feelings and beliefs about marriage are 100% valid, full stop. You should be able to openly communicate how you feel with the person you’re going to be spending life with. I would also highly recommend couples counseling. There’s so much that can be miscommunicated between partners and therapists have a wonderful way of translating things so that the other person understands what you’re trying to say. Not to mention also helping you grow the skills needed to make a marriage successful! You’re not alone in this ❤️ Sending you lots of love and support!

My husband and I were in the opposite position as you so maybe a different perspective might help? He was the one that wanted to get married, I didn’t really see the reason to. We were together for 4 years at that point, already owned a home together, everything was already combined, joint pets, joint loans, joint mortgage, were were each other beneficiaries for insurance, etc. We’re both atheist, so there was no religious reasons.


So in my opinion there was no reason to, I was fully committed to him and our relationship with no intentions of ending anything-we were just as likely to break up as we would be to get divorced, our lives were already legally entwined so it’s not like one could easily just walk away without painstakingly splitting assets, there would be no difference in our lives or level of commitment if we got married- I knew he was it for me and I was it for him and I didn’t need anything more than that.
Eventually he started talking about it, I told him all of my above reasons, and we would kind of go back and forth over who was right and who was wrong. I remember one conversation where I said “give me one logical reason why it makes sense to get married” and he said “there isn’t a logical reason, it’s just something I want to do” and that simple response kind of put it in perspective for me, like why am I being so stubborn and arguing with the person I love about something that doesn’t negatively affect me in anyway? I already said it won’t change our lives or our commitment, so why not give him something he wants? So that’s the day I agreed and we started planning a wedding. And we’ve been married a while now, and I can still honestly say it didn’t change our lives in anyway, but I don’t regret anything, I loved our wedding, and I’m happy to have him as my husband just as much as I would still be happy to have him as my boyfriend.
So that was a long winded alternate perspective for you to consider, yeah maybe it doesn’t really matter much to him, but you matter to him and he loves you and wants to make you happy. I think it’s nice that he realized on his own that this was important to you, and thus important to him, instead of all the stories you hear about one partner making ultimatums and threats to force the other partner into getting engaged. It seems like a really nice, mature compromise.

I don't think it's a red flag. No one can really guarantee the future, but I do see how it would bother you to hear that from your FH.

I think AshleyR put it well. He may not believe in marriage, but he loves you and values making you happy. It's normal for partners to have different views, but as long as you can be open and honest about it and respect each other I don't think it's a red flag. I think another way you can look at it is, aside from being legally married, do you both have the same vision for your life together? By that I mean the day to day of how you conduct your lives, your long term goals, if/how you want to raise a family, etc. For us, we always knew we wanted to get married at some point but it was a kind of lower priority because it doesn't change how we live our life together. We're committed to that life together, whether we're married or not.

View Quoted Comment I tend to agree. I guess I’d feel a bit disappointed but it’s not as though he’s against it. And pretty sweet he’s willing to do it for you because it’ll make you happy. A counseling session might be a good idea just to explore.

Thank you all very much for putting it into perspective for me.

Some of you are right in the sense that I tend to clam up. But I did talk to him about it of my own volition, resulting in this thread.

I've tried very hard throughout our relationship to improve my communication, and we've both seen a big improvement. Especially as we are getting married, I'm laying out all my cards for him. It's very hard to be vulnerable with anyone but he's definitely seen all sides of me.

Anyway, thank you all for your encouragement and especially enabling me to view the situation in a different light. Yes it is slightly disappointing because I just took for granted that you'd want to marry someone you really loved, are compatible with and have a healthy relationship with.

But he has always been there for me in everything and is very thoughtful and considerate. He doesn't always see things the way I do but he tries to understand me. We haven't had very many real issues besides this one (which I'm starting to see, is one of those things where I need to focus on the dozens of positives instead). We often agree and try to compromise when we don't.

He knows the benefits of marriage in the legal and financial aspect and it doesn't change his view, nor should it. Those things are minor benefits compared to companionship, commitment and the inevitable stress of a marriage. There's no guarantee of security (eg this pandemic, look at how many couples in the service industry now have 0 income).