Reconsidering the church wedding *RANT*

I hate to say it, but their disorganization and poor communication, along with these rules are really making me reconsider getting married in the church.

1) They don't want the father to give the bride away because that's "a pagan tradition." Okay, I understand that it symbolized a transfer of "property" back in the day, but my dad is giving me away, damnit!

2) "Children in the wedding party must be at least 6 years old." Uhmm, I understand they don't want a wild child running around during the ceremony, but who are they to tell me my nephew (who is 3 and sits through mass every Sunday) can't be in my wedding!? Age has nothing to do w/ religion...

3) "Must wear jacket/shawl if wearing a strapless dress." This is new in my area, but something I've seen in other churches. Problem is a) I would have chosen my runner up that had straps if I had known this and b) the dress I chose is pink, so it will be hard to find something to go with it (that fits my tastes, anyway).

Ugh, don't know what to do... would have already decided to get married at my reception venue if my dad's family weren't so judgmental.

Also, FYI. FH and I wanted to get married in the church more for tradition than our religious practices. We're not very religious at this point in our lives, but were raised in the church. Question our reasoning to get married in the church if you must, but that's not why I posted this. :-)

Iv'e heard the jacket/shawl thing in many other religions as well. I think its more of a "cant have bare shoulders in a house of worship" thing. There are always stipulations. The disorganization thing though, I would be pretty concerned about.

You still have time if you want to look into other places to get married, but thats a choice you will have to make very, very soon.

If you don't agree with the rules set by that particular church, and son't care for the way they're handling your day, I'd change plans. I've been to many Catholic weddings, and my first wedding was in a Roman Catholic church, and none of those were an issue. My dad gave me away, I wore a strapless dress and us Catholics have tons of kids....lol...and most of them were there.

Go with what would make you happy

Hmm, (Church musician moment) I've sung at Many Catholic wedding Masses, and have never heard of the bride given away by the father as Pagan ritual....

Have you thought about a neighboring Catholic church? They might be less conservative and significantly more organized! Whatever you decide you don't have much time. Have you gone through pre Cana yet?

Yikes...the (sometimes) restrictive nature of getting married in a church is part of what deterred me from even considering it. FIL originally wanted us to get married in a church, but I stuck to my guns and told them no, that is not what we want. I could give two s#!t's about what they or anyone else in our families think.

I think you should do whatever makes you and your FH happy and tell anyone who has anything different to say to suck it

Thanks for the support and feedback, Ladies. I know we could use our reception venue for the ceremony if we choose to go that route (My mom and I both used to work their and her business partner still manages the place).

@Kristine- due to the priest shortage all four Catholic churches in town have consolidated into one parrsh that shares two priests, but that was a good suggestion if my area were different! FH and I did Pre Cana in February.

Definitely going to have a heart to heart w/ FH about this tonight!

If you have your ceremony at the reception venue, more than likely the priests will refuse to officiate. You probably will need to find another officiant (religious or civil).

That is EXACTLY why I said ABSOLUTELY NOT to getting married in a church. FH and I are not all that religious anyway but our families are so we might've done it for their sake but I refused to have my dream wedding stifled so I put my foot down and said nope! We are having it on the roof of a hotel in a glass (air-conditioned) room and it's going to be beautiful and everything I wanted without the judgement or pressure of the church's rules!

Do what you want to do. Make it as traditional Catholic or non traditional Catholic as you want! At the end of the day, you are legally married and everyone else can kiss it!

I'm getting married in a Catholic Church too and the rules are similiar to yours.

My flower girl/ring bearer have to be at least 5 years old.

The music can't be anything from a movie or "outside" music. Has to be as close to religious/church music as much as possible (I kinda get this - his example of why this is ... he had one wedding where the song they chose came from Dr. Chivago and it turned out the song that was played was actually during a rape scene in the movie ... LOL)

So far I haven't had an issue yet with my father giving me away. I've mostly been to catholic weddings and the father always gave the daughter away so that's new to me!

The priest just asked that our clothing be modest but not to a point where we have to ultimately cover up. Just as long as our boobs are not going to fall out or flash anyone.

I was considering getting married at my venue too but both are families said that if it's one request they have that they have to have a say on is that we get married in a church so we agreed to it.

I've literally had 15 cousins before me get married in the Catholic church, among other weddings I've attended (both in churches and not). I knew to expect only church music and knew they didn't allow aisle runners in my parish and things of that nature, but the issues I'm concerned with are things that I haven't encountered in any other wedding I've attended or been a part of. I'm just having a hard time understanding while these rules are suddenly being enforced.

Another new rule is "no unity candle/sand ceremony." In the booklet they explained that this tradition is not a part of the religion and --according to them-- was created by candle companies. They no longer allow it as they feel it may detract from the other things that symbolize the union (i.e., the rings and vows). I at least understand this explanation (not saying I necessarily agree), but the others.. well I just don't know...

Honestly, it sounds like you have your answer.

Do know that you will probably have little problems anywhere you go to get married. So what's most important to you? I, personally, had to have a location with exceptional communication. Weddings are difficult enough to plan.

Do what makes you and the FH happy

It sounds like this church does not suit you as a couple, at least for your wedding. I would definitely consider other options. You can still have tradition without getting married in a church, and you may find yourself much happier with that decision.

A little late to the game! Sometimes the priest is willing to perform a blessing on a marriage outside of the church. It's not a full Nuptial Mass, but it covers the whole "Do You? Do You? You've got rings?" parts.

Our church doesn't allow runners either, it's a ruling of the Archdiocese and it's an insurance thing. Lucky our church just put in gorgeous new floors...

(Church musician hat on) the rules are being enforced because other couples abuse the system so much. I've seen/heard everything from Serious hoochie momma outfits that shouldn't be worn at a club, to not understanding why Here Comes the Bride is so inappropriate (in the opera, it was played when the main character was consummating his marriage to a GOAT) to requests for R.Kelly songs played during Communion.

And now the floodgates open!

Is there going to be a representative from the church there the day of the wedding?? If not, break the rules. I HIGHLY doubt they will stop the wedding if they see some of their rule being broken.

My FH and I are probably going to break a few rule from the church we are marrying in, but pretty sure now will be there to even see us break them.

Shari, if the priest is officiating, he probably will stop the wedding.

Who will be officiating your wedding? Won't it be a clergy person from that church?

Ugh. This is why so many couples choose to not be married in a church, even though they WANT TO. There are so many rules that have nothing to do with God, religion or spirituality; they are all human made rules, and somewhere, God is having a big laugh over it. As if God really cares if yu have a runner or not.

Go elsewhere. Find someone who will write and perform a meaningful, inspiring ceremony for your bare shouldered self and allow your father (or parents) to heartily support you as you take this giant step.

Geez, I hate what churches do to people.

The extreme disorganization is enough of a red flag. Alarm bells should be going off. GTFO! Seriously! You do NOT want to have a wedding a place that is THIS disorganized. If you think it's bad now, do you really think it's going to be any better on your wedding day?

And then, of course, the rules are ridiculous.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Get out while you can!

@Celia- I was hoping you'd respond! I know you have a lot of experience in the industry and I always appreciate your perspective on post on WW. I think you are completely right about the human made rules...

@Nancy- The priest would marry us at the church, but otherwise we'd get a JoP.

And Idk about the whole stopping the ceremony thing (if I had my nephew walk down the aisle or didn't wear a shawl..) but that's not something I want to be thinking about as I'm about to marry my FH!

The rules can vary so much according to the priest/bishop. Its nuts.

We also had challenges with the local Catholic diocese. It started with the Marriage&Family coordinator who said some pretty horrible things to me about marrying a non-Catholic. This made me FURIOUS because my DH (the non-Catholic who would be my downfall) is more faithful and supportive of my faith than any of the "good Catholic boys" I dated.

We elected to go thru the pre-Cana process (which was extensive) because we felt it would spark valuable discussions. It did. But there were also parts where I was gritting my teeth and wanting to throw things.

The priest was unable to perform our ceremony because we were getting married outside of a church and (gasp!) actually *outdoors*, I think he would have performed the ceremony if he wouldn't have created some serious issues with the bishop. There were options but they all involved having 2 wedding ceremonies (one small one in the church the morning of the wedding which the church would officially recognize and then "the other one") which I did not want at all.