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Beginner August 2020

Reciprocal Relationships and Bridesmaid Duties

J W, on February 22, 2020 at 12:51 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 24

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I'm getting married this year in August. I'm one of the last of my friends to get married, and in the past I've stood in quite a few of my girlfriends' weddings as a bridesmaid. I've also planned 4 bachelorette parties as a bridesmaid. As a bridesmaid in my friends' weddings, I've attended every bachelorette, bridal shower, and made it my mission to be the last bridesmaid standing at every wedding I was in.

Now that it's my turn to get married, I'm finding myself super disappointed in some of my girlfriends. For some whose wedding I have stood in and even thrown the bachelorette for, they aren't coming to my bachelorette at all. I have a few friends that can't make it for appropriate reasons, like just having a baby. I completely understand that. I sent out the date 6 months in advance, and made sure the party wasn't super expensive or far from our home base of Chicago. I've gotten a few really lame excuses like "oh I may work that weekend" or some "no" responses without excuses at all.
I can't help but feel disappointed, maybe in myself because I expected things to be reciprocal when I got married. I felt like I out so much effort into making their day special when it was their time. These are friends that I felt close with, that I continue to maintain relationships with. Anyone else over-evaluating their friendships during wedding planning? I'm now so bummed by a few girls that even though I was going to include them in the wedding party, I think I won't invite them to be bridesmaids because they haven't shown any support.

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24 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs. S, on February 26, 2020 at 9:21 PM

Beginner September 2023
Lisamarie · on February 22, 2020 at 1:58 AM
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Wow, I’m so sorry to hear that some of your good friends have let you down! I don’t think anyone could fault you for feeling disappointed. I have come to expect this kind of thing from people in my life(one of the reasons I’m not having any bridesmaids 😬), but it sounds like you didn’t see this coming at all! I hope that they come through for you! But that is definitely a conversation worth having with the ones you feel most disappointed by.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on February 22, 2020 at 4:55 AM
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I think weddings are one of those things that really tests friendships in some ways, and what you’ve described is something that I think a lot of us can relate to.

I’m one of those people who will always go above and beyond for everyone, and have come to terms with the fact that not everyone is like that. In saying so, I think some of yours friend are being lazy and totally unsupportive for no good reason (save those who have legitimate reasons for not being reciprocal to the degree you’d expect).
It’s hard too because if you speak to them, no doubt one of them or more will think you’re being a bridezilla (because let’s face it, it’s easier for people to deflect than own their faults) and I think realistically you just have to play things by ear and if need be, change your friendships a little. Don’t put in more than you’re getting out.
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October 2020
Fleur · on February 22, 2020 at 5:15 AM
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Yes I totally get this. Some of us are the leaders, organizers, cheerleaders and emotional foundations of the group. (Yes we are awesome.) Then it sucks to realize when it’s our turn there’s not that same person there for us lol. Just try to remember the reason we have our group of friends is bc the others bring their own lovable strengths and personalities. Hang in there and go ahead and take the lead and plan things like you would do if it was someone else’s - you deserve it no matter how many can attend. Also know others like you are out here and we get you!! Congrats on your wedding love!
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 22, 2020 at 6:41 AM
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I can definitely say that I am in the minority when it comes to the rule that bridesmaids are supposed to be there the day of wearing the dress by your side and that is it. That is definitely the bare minimum that they can do but I don't feel like there's anything wrong with being upset that they're not reciprocating what you put out. Sadly in some friendships that is how it is and it's one thing not to plan a shower or Bachelorette but for those that are not having valid reasons of why they can't go I would probably question our friendship. Now I understand if you're having a destination Bachelorette or if your bachelorette was like on a Wednesday night. However I don't see why they can't take a couple of hours off to celebrate you or at least I plan something when it could benefit their schedule. I'm sorry but I probably would be questioning some of my friendship or at least how much they value my time being married. Either way you have your day in the people that really care for you will make an effort. And if all they do is show up on the day of more than that's okay maybe you give a little bit of an extra gift to those that did put in the effort.
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Dedicated October 2020
Shauna · on February 22, 2020 at 8:10 AM
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I'm having the same feelings that you are. It's hurtful but the best advice I can give you is to let it go. Let things play out and don't let this ruin your planning and the joy you are going to have on your wedding day. The girls that matter and care will be there for you!
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Savvy July 2021
Adriana · on February 22, 2020 at 8:17 AM
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Do you have any other friends who you might not be as close with who could step in? Or any family members who could help plan? Sometimes our expectations of others can disappoint us (for good reason too, I would also be very upset if my closest friends were not putting in their part). But maybe this is a good opportunity to build new/closer relationships with others who would be delighted and honored to help with these tasks. Sorry that your friends are letting you down...it’s definitely not fair to you 😞
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on February 22, 2020 at 8:18 AM
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I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It sucks when you were there for your friends and they can’t be there the way you need them to be for you. While I think that they should be there for everything, honestly I’ve been seeing this happen a lot lately where people back out or don’t want to partake in everything. For my best friend, I wasn’t a bridesmaid (long story short, I was already a maid of honor in another wedding and just couldn’t afford to do 2 basically at the same time) but I planned almost everything with/for her. For her bachelorette, it was just me and her and we spent the day in Boston together and had a blast. If you haven’t asked these girls yet, I’d say re-evaluate the friendships and what they are for you. If you already have asked them and they’re being like this, try to find those that care about making it the best experience of your life and just stick with them. Don’t let it ruin your fun!
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Master November 2019
Mrs. S · on February 22, 2020 at 8:43 AM
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My husband was the best man for every one of his groomsman, and yet only one showed up for him. It’s very disappointing but what can you do.
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Savvy May 2020
Molly · on February 22, 2020 at 10:21 AM
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Same girl, same.
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January 2014
Pam · on February 22, 2020 at 10:28 PM
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You're entitled to feel hurt, I would, too. BUT they don't owe you a reason and you certainly can't judge if a reason they do give is appropriate or not. That's not for you to say.
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Expert May 2021
Rachael · on February 23, 2020 at 12:00 AM
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Same thing here except its just one bridesmaid I have that issue with. I did everything above and beyond for her wedding. It sucks but unfortunately you see the true sides of people when the tables are turned and it's not all about them for once. It hurt at first but I'm over it, there's plenty of other people excited and happy for me and at the end of the day she's the one missing out.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:43 PM
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Thanks for the response. I'm happy there are other people who are excited about your big day and who support you. I think the best distraction has been similar. A few of my other girlfriends really have stepped up.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:44 PM
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Ah! You're lucky! I didn't want any bridesmaids but my fiance wanted a bridal party so I was stuck picking bridesmaids! Thanks for your response. I think you're right, it's worth having a conversation.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:45 PM
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Thanks for the advice. I agree, don't put in more than I'm getting out of it. Maybe this was a lesson I needed to learn outside of the wedding in general.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:47 PM
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Thank you for "getting me", for the advice, and for the congrats!
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:50 PM
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I agree with you. Although dissapointing, either way on the big day I'm going to be surrounded by the right people who are truly happy to spend their time celebrating such a big moment. Those that aren't giving any effort maybe I'm better off not having them.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:54 PM
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It's so hard for me to let things go usually, because I'm a such a feeler. I often remember moments of how others made me feel, and it's turned me into a person that really perseverates on what has made me upset.

BUT, I think your advice is perfect, and something I've needed to work on for a long time. Letting it go over the past few days has really helped. I think about the friends who are really showing up, and it makes me so happy that it's easier to let things like this go.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:57 PM
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So my future sister in law has stepped up and has helped in the bachelorette planning. I made her my MOH, and the past few years it's been amazing to build that relationship. A few of my other friends have really stepped up too, which made me so happy. So maybe it all comes back full circle, although I'm hurt that the friends I did so much for aren't supporting me, I have a few others that have been there and are extremely supportive and I'm so thankful.
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 8:59 PM
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Thanks for relating. I guess you don't want others who don't care about you at the wedding anyway. You're wedding looked BEAUTIFUL by the way (I creeped on your picture). He luckily has you now
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Beginner August 2020
J W · on February 26, 2020 at 9:01 PM
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Good point. I agree in that I can't judge if their reason for not attending is a good enough reason.

I do feel okay expressing that I'm hurt by the lack of support (in lots of aspects). BUT, I just need to have those difficult and honest conversations with a few of those girls to let them know that my feelings were hurt because I feel it would be easier to let go and it'd good to understand where the relationship is at.
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