Really annoyed. How would you reply? uggg

It’s not MIL’s decision to make to tell your FH’s kids or not. That’s a choice for him to make. What does FH think about that?

Your fiance is the one that makes that decision, not his mother.

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He told me its ridiculous and he won't do it.. So that is good at least. Just really disappointed since they seem to be really hush hush and not into it at all.. sad they are so afraid of the ex. I mean not telling kids about a wedding until the day of itself can actually ruin it. He has 4 kids.. thats kinda something they need to know ahead of time. so frustrating. hoping FH tells his mom that.

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Agreed . really annoyed though that they are this scared of the ex wife.

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My FH's exwife is batshit crazy and would pull something like this. She hates me that much. Do not fear her. She can try to ruin anything she wants, but the more fear you show her, the more power she has over you.

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Imagine if you didn't tell them and they found out the way their grandmother wants them to find out...I can feel the anger coming from the kids already.

As an outsider looking in, it appears as though your MIL truly has you and FH’s best interests in mind. It sounds as though she is simply trying to prevent anything from ruining your wedding day, or making more negativity for your FH in terms of court issues. Her suggestions are just that though- suggestions. It doesn’t mean you have to take them. That decision should be left up to your fiancé. Does he agree that would be the best course of action? Tbh, there are some merits to it... The kids already know you are engaged, so it’s not like they aren’t aware you will be getting married at some point. And most small children aren’t stoked about wedding planning anyway (they think of it as boring “adult stuff”). Kids do, however, love surprises! They would probably be super excited to find out the day of that there’s going to be a wedding and a party! That’s to say, if your fiancé thinks it over and agrees with his mother, there are actually a lot of benefits to a surprise wedding! (especially if there is a chance the ex would actively try to cause drama and ruin your day!)

I agree with previous comment... I don’t think is MIL’s decision to make. Talk with your fiancé about it and let him handle it.

That sounds like a very bad way to start a blended family. And to be honest, may not be good optics for you FH in a custody fight. “Your honor, the children went to spend their time with their dad and found out they were getting a stepmom that day, and expected to participate in a ceremony while still reeling from the news!” It could paint your FH in a really bad light.
It’s his job to manage co parenting with his ex, and his mom is not giving very good advice here.

MIL needs to stay out of this. It's up to your fiance to decide how to handle this and maintain boundaries. If MIL is able to control this, it will only get worse down the line. I find it hard to believe the kids aren't already aware of your engagement since they frequently know alot of stuff that adults never give them credit for.

I actually know someone who did this because she was legit terrified her ex wouldn’t let her kids go.
I agree with PP that it sounds like FMIL does have your best Interest in mind even though her idea might sound crazy.
Do you want to take the chance that she goes crazy and keeps the kids/ruins some of your plans? What would you do if she refuses to let the kids be there that day? Would you, or more importantly your FH, be comfortable getting married without them there? Will you go ahead and get married without them there? You don’t want that added stress and aggravation on your day. Just somethings to think about.

Woah that is crazy. Thank your MIL for the suggestion but remember that it should be yours and your future spouse's final decision.

I wouldn't keep it from them, a wedding being sprung up the day of may harbor a lot of feelings. Even with advance notice, a wedding could be emotional for them but at least they'd have time to process their feelings.

Unless you're an awful person, no judge will alter custody in such extreme ways because FH is remarrying. I'd tell FMIL you're handling this how it's best for your family.

For what it's worth, I was older when my dad remarried (16), and he didn't tell me until they got back from their weekend away that it was really a wedding. It hurt my feelings extremely, and I am still hurt 16 years later over it.

While I definitely agree that this is your FH’s decision to make, I do have to say that I think it’s sweet that your MIL has your best interest at heart. The way in which she’s going about it may seem a little off, but I do think (at least from an outsiders perspective) that she’s suggesting what she thinks is best and wants you guys to have the best day possible! I totally understand your frustration with not telling the kids, and would feel the same way too in your situation, but maybe this is something that you and FH can sit down with your MIL and kindly say that while you truly appreciate that it seems as though she’s trying to do the best thing for your wedding, you both would rather not back down and appear afraid of the ex, so for that reason you don’t want to hide it from the kids. And while you’re at it maybe hire security for your wedding 😂😂 Best wishes to you on your wedding day!! Hoping it goes off without any problems!

That just sounds shady I wouldn't keep it a secret from them.

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They are aware. that is the weirdest part

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Exactly! I feel like that could really cause them issues not being able to process it. I think it is selfish to me and the kids to not give us the time to process it and to plan and be excited for it.. Sadly everything is like this- they are always walking on eggshells to not upset the ex- I was with him during the whole divoce and didn't even meet the kids for almost two years due to the fear the ex would drag out the divorce- which she did anyway!

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100 percent agree!! He doesn't have to notify her in far in advance but I think month or so before he can say FYI during my weekend the kids will be attending my wedding ceremony. The ex knows we are engaged. she even wanted to see my ring. strange i know. :/

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I think it would be horrible to tell four young kids the day of! One of the kiddos is on spectrum, that is so bad to not give them time to process it and to say oh hey by the way, today is the wedding!! I would freak as an adult let alone a child.

Also, what if their dresses or the boys outifits don't fit right? The whole idea to walk on eggshells due to his ex and court its mind blowing. Why not let the kids know- they will tell mom the day god knows- and if she tries to mess it up we will be able to manage it through lawyer ahead of time.. its his weekend anyway so theres nothing she can even do.. its all silly and paranoid behavior.. they are mostly worried it will mess up his court trial. which is also silly and paranoid. uggg