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Realistic maid of honor duties

Monica, on July 15, 2019 at 1:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17

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I am having some bridal party drama that I did not expect. I asked one of my closest friends to be a bridesmaid and she got super upset that shes not the maid of honor. She was disappointed (which shes entitled to her own feelings) but im so shocked at some of the things she said & especially since I didn’t think this would be an issue.

She said things along the lines of “I thought I was your closest friend but it turns out Im not, I don’t understand why you would choose her, I dont even know your friend, she was your best friend from highschool she was your past but I am your present”.
But most of all im sad she said she wouldn’t go dress shopping w me anymore. She said she assumed she was maid of honor because I asked her to go dress shopping with me. She said I need to go ask my maid of honor because shes not going to be playing the maid of honor role if shes not the actual maid of honor.

Im sad. I have already had to settle and compromise on many things throughout the planning process and Im not able to get things my way. I have not received the support on things And then now this too. I considered asking someone else to be MOH but then I feel upset because I would only be doing it to make HER feel better. Its not fair to me to have to constantly make other ppl happy.

So we have all seen the list of “maid of honor duties”, these lists are extensive && I CANNOT imagine handing off a ridiculous amount of responsibility to someone else. I told my friend that Im not expecting the maid of honor to do this huge list of duties, its only what I ask of her to do (which wont be much) same with the other bridesmaids. To me maid of honor is just a title and its not good to get hung up on titles.

Realistically, what were your expectations for your MOH and what kind of stuff did u ask her to do?

I want my MOH to show up to pick the bridesmaids dress, hold my bouquet at the ceremony and fix my train & Maybe make a speech. Thats really all I expect. If i need help I guess I could ask her to help me w projects but im very particular and rather make/do stuff myself.

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Jolie, on July 16, 2019 at 12:09 PM

Dedicated August 2019
Kelsey · on July 15, 2019 at 1:24 PM
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If someone said to me what your friend said to you, I wouldn’t even let them be a bridesmaid anymore. I think that was really rude and I’m sorry she said that to you. It seems that she’s trying to guilt trip you into making her your MOH by not going dress shopping with you anymore, which is pretty childish of her.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 15, 2019 at 1:49 PM
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Your friend is way out of line. Sure she's entitled to feel dissapointed and whatever else about it but to say it outloud to the bride? Rude. Immature. You sound like you handled her graciously, I would have not.
Overall maid of honor role changes depending on culture, region, religion, tradition. You really make up the role as you.
Mine is holding my dress if I need to pee, preventing me from tripping on my train, and nerve reducer!
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on July 15, 2019 at 1:50 PM
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I agree with the PP. If someone said that to me I wouldn't even have them in my wedding. She is trying to make you feel guilty, this is your wedding and no one should be forcing you to make that kind of decision. The dress shopping for your dress is also ridiculous. I'm expecting about the same as you are for your MOH. The only other thing that isn't even a big deal if it happens is I would like for my MOH to throw or put together my bachelorette party, but if she doesn't/ if I don't have one it's not a big deal to me.
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Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 1:59 PM
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The more i think about it, thats how i feel too. She said more than that too. Also its not cool that she made me feel like I owe her an explanation on my decision. I explained my reasons and it felt like she belittled my friendship/relationship with my other friend. Just because we dont talk everyday doesn’t mean my other friend doesn’t deserve to be my MOH. I feel worried that from now on when I talk about the wedding she might have petty responses like “idk why dont u go tell your maid of honor”. Ugh.
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 2:05 PM
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Thank u guys. The conversation has not sat well with me since last night. I even apologized to her for making Her feel disappointed. This friend of mine is actually FH’s sister. She even said that she has been in my life and my daughters life but my other friend hasnt been there (yes because YOU are my daughter’s aunty!!!) Im going to address it later today but I needed to vent first
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 2:08 PM
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Yea i dont plan on having a bridal shower (throwng a party is hard work. Its time consuming and can get expensive, I’d rather not burden anyone with that) && as for the bachelorette party I have no problem doing that myself. Something low key like going to dinner then going salsa dancing or something
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Super December 2021
Casey · on July 15, 2019 at 3:07 PM
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First of all- she's being an immature and rude child. That was WAY out of line and no one is entitled to be MOH. Honestly, everything you listed is perfectly fine and within the parameters of etiquette for MOH duties.

However, that fact that she's your FSIL is pertinent information you should've mentioned because normally I'd say to not even invite her to the wedding but obviously that won't work with this scenario. It also changes the dress answer: to say she expected to be MOH because you invited her dress shopping is not only stupid to begin with (as bridesmaids are often invited as well as maid of honor) but especially because family members like sisters or SILs are commonly invited! You could've invited her as family and not wedding party so that's a really huge reach on her part.

Of course she'd be in your and your daughter's life! She's FAMILY! 🙄 She sounds like a drama queen and I'm annoyed on your behalf! You are right- you don't owe anyone her to be MOH, to change your MOH for her comfort, or anything else. At this point, I'd tell her you're sorry her feelings are hurt but you do love and care for her and hope she will still stand with you as a bridesmaid.
As I said- normally I'd suggest dropping her from your wedding and life but as your FSIL my advice is altered and adjusted. So, my advice is not to budge or bend but to also not demote her because she's going to be your family and you want to avoid as much drama as possible.
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VIP October 2020
Kelly · on July 15, 2019 at 3:14 PM
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Oh she's your sister in law!
In some socail circles sisters and sister in laws are automatically assumed to be maid of honor. I'm actually constantly being called names because I don't want my sister or my fiance's sisters involved. 🙄
What she said is still super rude, immature, a reach, and frankly dramatic. You don't need to explain anything to anyone and she should have just got over it.
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 3:23 PM
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Preach! Thanks for your support. I can only have 3ppl at my bridal appointment. My mom, FH’s mom, and FH’s sister. His mom can be a bit much and so can my mom so Its perfect to ask his sister to join because she knows how to handle both of our moms and she’s my friend and very fashion forward. She is the only person I have asked so far (im handmaking wedding cake giftboxes for all bridesmaids and they take forever to make!!) so I haven’t asked my MOH yet cus i have to make her box & ship it to her
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Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 3:27 PM
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I have a sister shes alot older than me (shes in her 50s) i think Fh would think its weird for my sister to be in the wedding because of her age. But mostly why I didn’t ask my sister is because I need my sister & my family’s help behind the scenes, some things that ppl IN the wedding party cant help with.
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Master November 2019
Mrs. S · on July 15, 2019 at 4:27 PM
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So I chose my present best friend as my moh instead of my high school best friend, and past girl got angry and pouty. You can’t win either way if people are going to be like that. As far as duties I really just want my moh to hold my bouquet and bustle my dress. I wouldn’t expect her to do any planning. She went to look at wedding dresses with me but I would have been ok if she couldn’t go, and other than answering my emotional venting texts lol I think that’s the only official thing she’s done.
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on July 15, 2019 at 5:08 PM
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Lol thanks, I cant believe wedding planning is on the list of duties. I would never expect anyone else to do any planning either, other than me sending pictures saying hey what do u think of this? and getting advice on certain things.
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Dedicated July 2020
Courtney · on July 15, 2019 at 5:30 PM
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That sucks that you're going through that. I was worried about that because I have a best friend since 1st grade who I've stayed really close with that I really wanted to ask but I also have a twin sister. I felt like it would be weird to not have my twin be my MOH but ultimately wanted my BFF so I compromised and asked them both to share the duties. It has been a blessing to have them both working together throughout planning so far.
Talking through it is my best advice but if drama continues then I'd say "bye felcia." Its your day and it sounds like you dont get to focus on you often so do what is overall going to make you (and your FH) happy.
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Savvy October 2020
Bianca · on July 16, 2019 at 1:42 AM
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Your friend is immature, sorry to say. I really hope she comes around and puts her feelings aside to focus on enjoying this special time with you. I personally am not having a bridal party. I have three sisters and a couple good girls friends and they all know that they mean a lot to me and don’t need a title of maid of honor or bridesmaid. That said, I have zero expectations of them aside from showing up the morning of the wedding and getting ready and hanging out with me. No matching dresses, bouquets, money spend on hair and makeup. Just simply allowing them a VIP experience at my wedding with lots of free alcohol, food and entertainment. I’ll also be nearing 30 by the time the wedding rolls around and it just feels weird having bridesmaids, especially my older sisters who will be mid 30s and probably couldn’t care less about bridesmaid duties. Maybe if I got married in my early 20s.
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Expert August 2020
Heather · on July 16, 2019 at 9:15 AM
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That was really rude and inconsiderate of your friend. It’s not about her, it’s about you. She should feel honored that you asked her to stand by your side to begin with. And to decide she’s not going to go dress shopping with you because she’s not MOH? Ridiculous. She’s making it all about her. I would personally reconsider having her in the wedding party. Please don’t change the way you have things to make any one else happy because you will regret it.
As for MOH duties: my older sister is my MOH and she is very hands on so she basically does everything lol. She came dress shopping with me and bridesmaid dress shopping and she’s also bought little things here and there for me. She is also planning the bridal shower and bach party with my cousin, another bridesmaid. Other than that I mostly just ask her opinions on things like decor because I’m not that great with that stuff!
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 16, 2019 at 11:17 AM
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If ever there is a demonstration of someone who should not be MOH, her behavior shows it all. . . MOH is usually the extra honor for someone you have known longer or may be closer to. There are no specific duties that are different from BM. The lists you see are ideas of some things that some MOH volunteer to do, not a job description. Because MOH is often a closer or more long term friend, if she lives close by, and has the time and the money, she often does more than someone who is a friend of shorter duration . Not always. Any close friend of the bride, not in the wedding, or family, may plan a shower, engagement party, or bachelorette. Or any BM, or MOH. Just 1 person plans and pays, or a group does so together. Brides often invite someone whose opinion they share on what looks good on them, to shop with the bride for her gown. This idea of a whole larger group of all bridal party, plus mothers, started as a TV thing. It often does not work out well to have many opinions, some from people with a completely different vision from the bride, of how she should look . . . . This friend is being grade school petty, "well if I don't get what I want, I won't do ____, ". MOH is not the boss of other BM, though if you had made the mistake of making her MOH, she would likely want to have all the ideas and delegate to BM, then tell them what they should pay. Bad manners. Instead of any one who volunteer s, Inc family, or BM, or other friends, planning cooperatively, all having a say in the size, type, and budget , that is equal. She sounds like she would appoint herself boss. Do not give in to her putting a raincloud over things, because she is childish. And save yourself grief: do not make her MOH. She hasn't the tact or the understanding of gracious good manners, she would be trouble . Follow your first instinct .
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Master October 2019
Jolie · on July 16, 2019 at 12:09 PM
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I wouldn't pick your one friend just because she is being a brat about it. That's selfish and technically something she should keep to herself. I didn't have many expectations. I only went dress shopping with my mom and sister (MOH). She is helping my mom with the bridal shower. My sister has never been in a wedding let a lone a maid of honor but my other 3 bridesmaids have all had the experience. I was pretty confident they would be able to handle things. So I told my sister mentioning tank tops for the bachelorette in Vegas. And she was like what? why do we need shirts? And thankfully my brother's girlfriend stepped in and was like it's just a thing most do, you can check pinterest and there's all kinds. In my head I am like sooooo none of the other bridesmaids have brought up shirts if this is the first my sister is hearing about it and it made me annoyed cuz the 2 that are going to the bachelorette have been maids of honor before. But maybe they just expect my sister to do that so I guess I am glad I told her. The whole train thing, make a speech, and hold the bouquet is about all else I expect. I haven't much needed anyone's help for DIY crafts either.
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