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Savvy September 2020

Ready to throw in the towel

Aurelia, on July 29, 2020 at 6:20 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 20

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Hi everyone. Feeling like I want to just cancel my wedding and I feel like only the people on this forum would understand. Planning during covid has been a nightmare, but the worst part is that FH has disagreed with my ideas for how to deal with it every step of the way. After months of fighting, I got him to agree to hold off on planning an event for 275 guests and wait until we got closer to the date to assess the situation. I told him that I just couldn't handle planning a wedding and spending tons only to have to cancel. He still disagrees with me that we scaled back. He refused to postpone, which I didn't want either honestly, so a big wedding in 2021 or 2022 wasn't an option.

Now he is insisting that we have as big a wedding as our venue will allow (100 with new distancing measures), while we had earlier agreed to keep it to family only to keep our older guests as safe as possible. He says that he's only getting married once and I'm robbing him of the experience by not having his friends there. My parents offered to throw us a wedding celebration after the pandemic is over, in addition to paying for a minimony, because they feel bad for me. But now we may have a full blown wedding on our hands with a month and a half to plan. He also disagrees with me that Covid is a big deal and thinks people shouldn't be afraid to get it because it's "low risk". I am unable to talk him out of that position.
I do all of the planning completely by myself (FH really doesnt like helping) and I had only been planning a ceremony and small dinner. We still have our venue on hold because they won't return the deposit, so I could get 100 people food, but there will be very little time for decorations, cake, etc.
I wanted to also move the event closer to home because people can't fly anymore, but he is insisting on keeping the event location and having our family drive up to 10 hours.
I'm just so frustrated with the wedding and the fact that FH disagrees with me on everything, I just want to cancel at this point. I don't know what to do, I just know that the stress of planning this wedding and fighting about this is eating away at me. Any advice would be appreciated

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20 Comments

Latest activity by Laura, on July 31, 2020 at 1:11 AM

VIP May 2020
Jai · on July 29, 2020 at 7:01 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this and feeling so ffrustrated.My husband and I went through something similar too, and we had to sit down &really talk about what we wanted, and how we would have to change our wedding due to Covid. It wasnt easy. We went from a 92 person wedding at a venue with an olpen bar, buffet style food, etc; to a 7 person outdoor garden ceremony with a reception back at our apartment. Everyone who is getting married during this time is getting robbed of their experience and it really sucks. Its hard when your FH doesnt want to compromise, especially when it seems like you're so open to ideas. My best advice is dont do something you're uncomfortable with. If you dont want to have the wedding 10 hours away, dont do it. I would try sitting him down and explaining how you feel, and seeing where it goes from there.
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on July 29, 2020 at 7:19 AM
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That’s tough! Especially with everything going on at the moment and because the two of you don’t seem to be on the same page. It took a lot of conversations for FH & I to get on the same page with our plans. It seemed like any time I wanted to discuss plans (or alternate plans) he would dodge the bullet. He thought things would be better by October and that we wouldn’t need a plan B or a plan C, but it turns out we DID. I hardly see 151,000 deaths as low risk. If you’re not on board and if he’s not willing to compromise due to your feelings and concerns then maybe the best thing to do is cancel at this moment until you can reevaluate and see if you can get on the same page. Sorry you’re going through this. 💕
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on July 29, 2020 at 9:18 AM
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Wow, I'm so sorry. Being the person I am and if I didn't have support or help from my FH, I'd say cancel (but don't really).... I'd tell your FH that it's canceled because he doesn't want to help. This isn't just YOUR wedding it's his too. If he wants no part of the planning then there are bigger problems.
He needs to be 100% invested in planning as much as you are. All of this should be a happy time even with Covid. I felt slightly stressed the other day and I'm not even sure it was wedding related.. My FH said to me - "2020 has been and is a &^%* show, WHEN we have our wedding suddenly everything 2020 will be OK, because I got to marry you" - I'm paraphrasing, but this was the overall gist of it. And suddenly nothing else mattered - I'm marrying my best friend in 72 days and that alone makes me happy and want to continue planning through this "&^%* show" of a year.
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Just Said Yes September 2020
August · on July 29, 2020 at 9:22 AM
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I am so sorry you're going through this right now My best advice, given the circumstances, would be to postpone. You don't want to have all of this stuff planned when your hearts are only half into it. You want this day to be special and don't want you and your FH arguing or mad at each other the day of the wedding. I would say postpone and re-evaluate when things simmer down and you can both look at it rationally!
I hope this helps! Good luck!
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 29, 2020 at 10:25 AM
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This is good advice. I think I've been trying to appease him because he is so upset about all of this, but I really don't want our wedding so far away if people can't fly. I just don't want to ruin his wedding day
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VIP May 2020
Jai · on July 29, 2020 at 10:47 AM
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I tried appeasing mine too, but I couldn't go through with something and know if I look back five years from now I may regret how it was done. And you're his bride, that will surely make his wedding day. Def try talking with him and see what can be done!
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on July 29, 2020 at 11:11 AM
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I completely understand loving and living with someone who sees the current situation very differently than you do.... I've been in that situation for most of the last four months. It's taken a while, but he's finally come to accept that I have serious concerns and he needs to respect that I have them, even if he feels differently. Also, and this is sensitive because I know there are many brides on this forum right now who are struggling with their decisions/feeling guilty/feeling like others are trying to guilt them/etc., there are currently stories in the news about at least two recent events that led to significant outbreaks. One was a 100-guest wedding in San Francisco where, so far, the B&G and 8 guests are infected (guests flew in from a variety of hotspots...) and the other is a story about a family birthday celebration in Dallas where at least 14 family members later tested positive (one has died and another was in ICU as of yesterday). You can easily find those stories in a Google search and share them with him. It's completely understandable that he "wants to feel normal," but there is nothing normal about where most of the country is right now. I think especially for some men feeling helpless and out-of-control is incredibly uncomfortable, so their reaction is kind of a denial. Perhaps sharing real stories about social gatherings with devastating consequences and reminding him of the most vulnerable people on your guest list will help bring him around. Good luck! (I do agree with others that I wouldn't proceed with something that you are not comfortable with.)
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 29, 2020 at 11:30 AM
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Thank you for sharing those stories with me so I can share them with him. I think that is a real possibility at every event, and he needs to be aware of that. I actually have a young family member right now with no pre-existing conditions who is in the hospital with Covid so it just feels very real to me.
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 29, 2020 at 11:32 AM
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Thanks for the helpful advice. We definitely aren't on the same page, and he does still dodge the conversation. I am going to bring up the option of cancelling to him for sure. I hope it makes him more open to compromise if we cancel and restart planning later
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Expert August 2021
Sara · on July 29, 2020 at 11:42 AM
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You know what else will suck? When he causes your guests to get sick and possibly die because he was being selfish. Do the right thing and postpone. Save lives. You have the rest of your life for a wedding and doing it in a pandemic is dumb. I hope you can figure things out and good luck
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Master October 2021
Mrs.a · on July 29, 2020 at 12:28 PM
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I feel you! It got so frustrating for us that we started arguing over it. Finally we realized that neither of us were happy moving forward with how things were (Plan A) so then he was more apt to discuss Plan B, and we did reach a compromise between both of our perspectives. I hope you can reach a middle ground one way or another.
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Savvy October 2020
Audrey · on July 29, 2020 at 12:31 PM
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This might sound harsh, but it's totally unreasonable of him to talk about how you're ruining HIS day when he won't even help plan. It's a day for BOTH of you. It's really important that you're BOTH on the same page about this. It might also be important to think back and see if he's like this about all decisions--does he always want things his way? If so, is this something you can deal with for the rest of your life? Marriage is about giving 100% of yourself always; I think he's giving his 100% and he's expecting much more than 100% from you. Do what you feel is best, deep down in your heart!
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on July 29, 2020 at 1:37 PM
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Is there any particular reason the wedding is so far away? Is it one of your hometowns or a destination wedding?

Anyways... I think you both need to sit down and decide what your top priorities are for this wedding. (Large guest list? Location? Etc.) It seems like FH is a little out of touch from reality right now. Also agree with PP, it seems like you have been putting in all the effort and he is only making demands. If he refuses to have a conversation, compromise, or help you with any of the planning, I’d postpone indefinitely.
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Expert August 2020
Angel · on July 29, 2020 at 3:05 PM
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Ugh, I am so so sorry. I can completely relate with you on all the stress wedding planning has caused during this pandemic. I am so sorry your fiancé isn't more open to your ideas, which all seem very smart. It's important to keep your family safe, and I'm sure many people wouldn't want to drive such a long distance especially during these times to have a socially distanced wedding. Unfortunately, it seems everyone is having to make changes to their original plans to accommodate what's going on. He has to be more open to things changing, because it's really out of everyone's control. I would try to have a heart-to-heart, find out what's most important and meet in the middle. I think it's far too risky to have such a high guest count during a time like this.
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 29, 2020 at 4:51 PM
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1) You both need to be on the same page. A wedding isn’t for one person, it’s for one couple. Talk it out or see a counselor.
2) He needs to do at least 50% of the work. Period.
3) Expect a high decline rate for all the factors you mentioned. You don’t need to convince him but maybe ask how disappointed will he be if only a handful of people show up? He’s not allowed to be pissy on your wedding day. Not fair to you. If he’s ok with that, and possibly losing a lot of money for no-shows then you both can decide to invite the list you want and be ok with “whomever shows up is fine.”
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on July 30, 2020 at 5:02 AM
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If he doesn't want to help, then there isn't a wedding. It takes two to get married, and therefore it takes two to plan.
DH knew this, and I still sometimes nearly dropped the planning book on his head, because he'd get caught up about something else, or decide he didn't know what to do. (...The book was RIGHT THERE.)
In addition, if he is ignoring the pandemic, and this is making you feel unsafe, stop. Don't have a wedding, because this is indicative of a larger problem. You are expressing a concern, and he is blowing it off. What will happen when it's a concern about money? About your job? About your kids?
In particular, I am troubled by his language. "Robbing him of a wedding"? That he refuses to help with?
I would postpone, and schedule couples' counseling, because there's a LOT to work through, there.
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 30, 2020 at 7:53 AM
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The location is where we met, but we no longer live there. Our families live far away from each other, so we thought it was a good neutral place that meant a lot to both. But now it just seems unworkable
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 30, 2020 at 7:54 AM
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This is a very good point. Two members of our wedding party have already dropped out because they work in hospitals. I'm sure they won't be the last important people not to come, which has been hard for me to cope with
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Savvy September 2020
Aurelia · on July 30, 2020 at 7:59 AM
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I completely agree with your view of marriage, and I thought he did too. But he alsp told me we should each get 50% of what we want, which feels to me here like splitting the baby in half. Meanwhile, we have made other choicea where I give 100% because there is no compromise and it is best for our relationship
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Super September 2026
Laura · on July 31, 2020 at 1:11 AM
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Sometimes marriage isn't 50/50... Sometimes it's 90/10... Be sure that he's a man willing to be on the short end at times. Because there will be times when you can't be 50/50. I see lots of red flags here. I'd postpone. And consider that the risks he's taking now are indicative of risks he'd take with children, your safety, the family you create etc. It takes a giving heart to make a great husband. And you deserve a great husband.
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