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Just Said Yes September 2020

rd Divorced parents

Seville, on November 15, 2019 at 2:00 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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My FS parents divorced when he was in elementary school. His Father moved away but always remained in his life. He remarried and my FS did spend a short amount of time with step mother every year growing up. My FFIL offered to pay for the RD but so did my FMIL. FS accepted his Fathers offer, thinking it would lessen the financial burden on his mother. But now his step mother has swooped in taken the role in planning & hosting of this event
. My FMIL is devastated and deeply hurt. My FS would like to ask his father to work with his Mother to spilt the cost and host the event together since THEY are his parents. However my FFIL thinks my FFMIL and his wife should work together. However, my FS step mom is very manipulative and has been cruel to my FMIL. I do not think this is a good solution. How can we remove the stepmom without causing an upheaval. She has begun making plans and it was our mistake assuming that we were saving my FMIL money. We thought there might be other ways for my FMIL to contribute to the wedding, but we now realize my FMIL thought of it as an honor, not a financial burden. we made a mistake and she is very hurt because she was looking forward to planning and hosting the RD with my FFIL. Even though we don’t think his new wife will allow him to work with my FMIL. Help! We made terrible assumptions that have us in a very sticky & sad situation that we don’t know how to get out of!

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Catherine, on November 20, 2019 at 1:24 PM

Dedicated 0000
K · on November 15, 2019 at 2:14 PM
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TBH, I'd stay out of it. Let him and his family work out this one.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on November 15, 2019 at 2:26 PM
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I think you and FS, with FS taking the lead, need to explain to FFIL and FSMIL that FMIL is also to be involved in the planning and financial side of the RH. Also, that FFIL and FMIL are the ones to plan it. They brought their son into the world, so FFIL should be an adult and put anything harsh feelings toward FMIL aside!
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on November 15, 2019 at 2:29 PM
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Just because they’re paying for it doesn’t mean the step mother can take over planning. Just tell her that you appreciate the offer to help pay for it, but it’s still something you want to plan. And have him sort out the details. They’re his parents and unless you’ve magically came into his life and can appease both parties at the same time, he’s probably the best person for it. It really stinks that after all these years his parents can’t get along, but at least you’ll know what you’re in for any time you have a family event in the future and can plan ahead.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on November 15, 2019 at 2:32 PM
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I honestly don’t know how you do this without causing some kind of issue. If your FS said yes to him planning and paying for it, I would have assumed that included his wife given the likelihood that they share finances. If you make it a big thing, I’d be prepared for the possibility of your FFIL rescinding his offer.
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VIP September 2019
Lauren · on November 15, 2019 at 2:41 PM
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Can you FMIL plan something else? Maybe an engagement party, bridal/couple's shower, morning after brunch. You already said FFIL could plan and pay for the RD, it is out of your hands at this point.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on November 15, 2019 at 2:45 PM
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I agree with this. I am a step-mother and my husband and I share finances and plan everything together. In fact, I would be the one to actually do the planning since my husband is not much of a planner. I don't think there is anything you can do. If your FMIL wants to be involved with something let her know it will need to be something else.
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Just Said Yes September 2020
Seville · on November 15, 2019 at 3:38 PM
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The problem is my FMIL DID offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner and was patiently waiting for us to get through some of the basic planning of the wedding before starting to plan. unfortunately we were not communicating enough and his Step Mother is much more aggressive and pushy. She kinda took it and ran with it!
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October 2019
Rohr · on November 15, 2019 at 4:06 PM
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I think it truly is the 2nd most memorable/important event in the wedding process, and an honor to be bestowed upon the parents of the groom.. This the Mother. The Mother and Father should split the cost and if the Father isn’t interested in doing the planning then he can relay the information or requests his wife has, to the grooms mother. It sounds like the FMIL is ready, willing and able to pay for the RD so this is her right! Unless a Step parent has raised the child 50/50 split, they are not a parent!
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on November 19, 2019 at 12:17 PM
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Your fiance should 100% explain this situation to his father and say it's highly inappropriate for his stepmother to be planning the event. My FIL offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner, but only after we told him we would be planning the entire thing so feelings weren't hurt with my husband's stepmother and his mother.
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Expert October 2021
Vannesa · on November 19, 2019 at 1:38 PM
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I's definitely stay out of this one and let FS handle it if need be. FFMIL shouldn't be upset but maybe FS can talk to step mom and include FFMIL in the planning process.
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Master October 2017
karen · on November 19, 2019 at 3:09 PM
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I would just do pizza at my place. The RD is not worth hurting FMILs feelings.
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VIP November 2019
Catherine · on November 20, 2019 at 1:24 PM
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I don't think its fair that your FMIL not help plan because your FSMIL doesn't want to work together with her. Its not about them and their differences - it is about you and your FH.
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