Rant*No your 15 month old is not invited to our wedding

I explained nicely to her that only out of town guests were bringing kids (all old enough to sit still and not make noise during the ceremony) because duh they were from out of town. She has her parents, her in laws, her sis in law, and her sis nearby who would all watch the baby. She said she was just going to have some other friend watch the baby while she and her husband (also in the wedding) were busy. Then she got upset and wouldn't talk to me.

Whatever! I'm at the point of IDGAF with her anymore. My other BM has a kid her exact same age (born days apart) and is excited to have a great date night with her hubby. It's not like a 15 month old is going to remember the wedding!

I'm just so frustrated because she doesn't see that bringing her baby everywhere causes issues. Some places are fine but others like trying on bridesmaid dresses...not so great. Guess who had to hold the crying/crawling baby while BMs tried on dresses? Me! Guess who didn't get pictures of anything she wanted (and I'm a visual person so now I have no ideas or remember what people looked good in!) If I could talk to her without her getting super sensitive or her hubby getting in the middle of our friendship (oh the background drama!) I would but it seems futile at this point.

TL;DR BM baby drama I don't want a toddler eating cheerios near my wedding dress!

Thank you for listening/reading just had to get that off my chest and now I'm going to try and forget it!

I am always amazed when parents presume their child(ren) are invited to an event. On the other hand, she already knew and was just playing dumb.

Well.... listen, I'm mostly with you here (though we ended up being glad we had children at the wedding). But you did set yourself up a bit when you said that out of town guests could bring their kids. Generally people on most wedding boards advise and all or nothing policy with kids. Lord knows that I can't stand an overly attached mother, but not every parent is "looking forward to a night out without the kids." I learned my lesson the hard way about having an overly-attached mom as a bridesmaid. It's not great. But it's probably not realistic that she's going to be able to read your mind about how you feel about the baby being around.

I could see why it's so frustrating, and I like the line you drew of OOT guests can bring their kids (because people in the area should know people that can take care of their youngsters) Especially with a BM, you shouldn't have to worry about that when you are getting ready for your wedding!

If you decided to do all kids, as other WW ladies pointed out is fair to all your guests.... you should at least put your foot down that the baby is not allowed in the get ready room.

I am going to disagree with the others and say I understand why you are allowing the out of town guests to bring their kids. Since they are older and more than likely not cause a disturbance like a 15 month old more than likely will, I would allow them to attend; however, babies....no way! Two babies ruined my cousin's wedding by screaming and crying the entire time and the parents didn't have enough common sense to leave the room.

All in all it comes down to the fact that I am more frustrated that she doesn't understand that it is not always about her baby. And there is no nice way of telling her that. We are in two different stages of life and I can't possibly understand where she is coming from most of the time now but I make an EFFORT. She has been in my shoes and makes no effort.

I understand the all or nothing thing when it comes to inviting kids but where are my relatives supposed to have their kids for 5+ hours? Sure I thought of hiring two babysitters but not every parents is comfortable leaving their kids alone with strangers.

I'm keeping it kid free with one exception, and that is IF my sister wants to bring her twins (my nephews) with her. She's coming a long way, I want to see my nephews, they are family, and can be my cute twin ring bearers. If people don't like it...well...IDGAF.

My daughter is 8 and is our FG. My FH's niece is 7 (his sister is a single mom and they are flying in from across the country). I know they both will be well behaved. We aren't having any other kids. I had a friend get upset about her 2 year-old not being able to come. There is no way she'd be able to keep a toddler in line. She's calmed down.

I'm with you 100%!

I think you lost this battle when you told her that other kids will be there. Age isn't going to make a different to a mother -- if their kids are there, then her kids should be allowed to be there. I partially agree, but that's beside the point.

I think at this point you need to compromise. She said that she could get someone to watch the child while getting ready and during the ceremony? Have her do that ... don't allow him there while getting ready and then allow him at the reception.

Or, keep putting your foot down and risk her dropping out ... if she's really that adamant about not being away from her child.

I'd be annoyed, too, if I found out that you are allowing other guests to bring their children and I can't bring my child.

If she's that attached to her baby, she's got bigger issues... what is she going to do when the child is 2 and WANTS independence? I have a friend who has told me how difficult it has been to accept that the 'infant' stage is over already - she's struggled with how fast the baby is growing, and maybe your friend is not dealing with that well.

Stepping back from the question of the wedding itself, have you had a talk with her to ask "What about leaving the baby for 4 hours with your parents worries you? What are you afraid of?"

I'd be very curious to see if she expresses actual concerns. If you watch any regular news program on TV, you'd think that there's a child molester on every corner waiting to snatch a baby, and creepy people waiting in your bushes to climb into the window and steal your baby, and all sorts of horrible things. Or, she could be having separation anxiety, and maybe she gets panic attacks when she's away from the baby, but is embarrassed to tell anyone. Is her mom a little forgetful (dementia) and she's afraid she'll forget the baby, and doesn't want anyone to know? There could be other stuff going on. There may not be, but just saying ... esp. if she struggled to get pregnant, it can do funny things to your head.

It sounds like you hurt by the fact that she is placing her wants over what you envision for your wedding. so... hugs.

AND it sounds like you may have had an issue with this particular BM even if you having a completely kid-free wedding (no OOT guest kids either.)

@rebecca h I am worried about this but due to some fractures in our relationship because of her husband she would never listen to me. Because I don't have kids I have no "understand" of how to do anything parent related. (Which from her stance is true even though I've worked extensively and watched kids long term and been a parental figure) Her available parents and in laws are all capable of watching kids. I think sometimes it's more that she just thinks the baby will be wanted everywhere. And some adults don't.

@songbird yes even if it was no kids across the board she'd be upset and there was trouble before.....

I realize my mistake was saying OOT guests were bringing kids. I should have left it at your child isn't invited and just let her show up. Thanks guys for letting me vent!

Dani, I agree with you 100% (and KirstenMichelle). It's totally your choice if you want to draw a line in the sand as to an age minimum for kids at the wedding. An older child who knows how to behave it totally different than a toddler. And with all these attachment issues, I can envision that baby crying and reaching out for his mom while she's standing up for you at the wedding. I can also envision her picking the baby up and bringing him up there with her at that point.

We're not allowing kids at the wedding/reception either. My BFF wants to bring her 2 children, but we have my bach party Friday night, pampering, last minute stuff, and girl time on Saturday and the wedding on Sunday. She's not gonna be able to do all of that if her kids are here (she lives out of state). She's a great mom. But for once, can it not be about the kids?

Moms always want their single girlfriends to understand their position. And I do. But they should understand our position too. I don't have children and don't have the patience of Job when kids are interrupting, being demanding, and making all kinds of noise. That sh!t gets on my damn nerves after a while! Normally, I let it roll off my back (I'm working on having more patience). But my wedding is NOT the day!

@FutureMrsDean yes! Amen! And yeah the baby would start crying the minute she saw mom walking down the aisle. And the person she wants to watch baby during the ceremony and reception is a dear mutual friend who I want to actually be at my wedding....paying attention and enjoying the ceremony. Not dealing with her kid.