*Rant* I'm over this wedding...religion/family/stress

I’m just not comfortable with. I think it’s beyond ridiculous. I feel everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, and anyone who thinks this is alright then great I’m glad for you, but I don’t like it (it mentions Jesus and his mother accepting out wedding invite and finding out wedding to be important enough to be there and that we are entering into this married as a commitment to God, etc). FH didn’t like it to begin with either, however during the meeting he told me to just go with it and we would talk about it later. Fine, whatever. My issue with that first part isn’t even the religious aspect it’s the fact that I’ve never believed I was getting married for anything religious. My commitment to FH is because I absolutely love him and want to spend my life with him, not because I was to commit to him and make a promise to God while I’m at it. So, I say something to FH this morning before he leaves for work how she pretty much just added it the things we took out and that I really don’t like the opening to the ceremony. He wouldn’t say anything just we’d look at it later, but I just felt like he dismissed everything I said and ignored it. When we were originally putting together an outline for our ceremony we have talked about this he has said that it’s more because I’m questioning my faith given my situation and that’s why I’m ‘pushing’ religion away. We then talked further about it and I explained more and he seemed more understand that it wasn’t just that. Now I just feel like I don’t know what to do. I’ve already accepted the other parts of the ceremony he liked that was in FH aunt’s original outline that mentions religion/god, she advised we would need to have some sort of table with a cross (since we aren’t getting married in a church), even though that was NEVER in any of my décor plans I have accepted that because it has been important to him, but I’m drawing my line. I don’t like this part of the ceremony and have to stay firm to that.

So, besides that his drama with his parents still continues…FH parents just decided to not talk to him along with his brother. They are so immature. Although he originally didn’t want to send them a wedding invite, we did and put a hand written note stating we didn’t wish to close any door on our families and that they are more than welcome to come. FH aunt is even at the point to try talking some sense in them.

Basically the wedding is getting close, I feel stressed and alone. It sucks and hurts that I can’t turn to my mom, so when I need to vent I feel like I have nowhere to go (my MOH is about due with my nephew any minutes, so she has her own things going on) and FH just really doesn’t get it, so when I do talk to him it’s not helpful.

AHHHHH can the next couple months just be over already.

*end rant – and no I didn’t go back and read through this, so I don’t even care about typos/punctuation – Thanks :o)

Yeah definitely stay firm. I stripped out all references to god in our ceremony since I'm an atheist. It's pretty much the most important part of the day and it should go exactly the way that you want it. In my first wedding, I let all the religious stuff slide, and I felt like I was an imposter, up there pretending. Good luck!

I'm sorry about all this, Seems like as the wedding gets closer& Closer the stress levels rise. There is a lot I could say, since I have come across some of the same issues & Feelings you are going through, but the best thing I can say is--Just Remember to breathe, & try to enjoy it. "this too shall pass" lol.. Also, if you like wine. Drink Wine..

Hope all gets easier!

I am in the same shoes. We asked my uncle who is a pastor to officiate and there is a lot of stuff in the ceremony that I'm not particularly fond of and could do without but in the end, my fiance respects my religion and I want to respect his. We have personal vows so I get to make it a bit about us than the religious part. Thankfully we went over the script yesterday aloud and it was only 6-10 minutes pastor part ....so it'll be a short ceremony.

I figure it's a compromise....

I agree with Janeen that you should stay firm on this. You definitely need to talk to FH about this. Serious convo. Like ASAP.

My FHs ex-wife is "Christian" and I can tell you from first hand experience that if she were to do someone's wedding who said take out the religious stuff she would smile and agree BUT she WOULD say it all anyway!! I would tell the aunt, if at all possible, you are using someone else. Good luck... Sounds like a nightmare.

I am the same way. FH doesn't see it that way. I had a great officiant picked out, he was a humanist. He makes the whole Ceremony about mine and FHs story. I loved it. But FH said he really wanted some religion. I picked our ceremony from our Current officiant and its about how WE inspire each other & WE are each others light.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I think you need to discuss if the religious "stuff" is meaningful to him. Is it something he just doesn't want to have to discuss with his aunt or is it truly important to him? If he is just trying to appease his aunt, then you should both tell her that you don't want it in your wedding and if she persists you may have to find another officiant. If he truly wants it in the ceremony, I think you will need to discuss things further as if religion matters now it will in the future.

Why get a minister who is a Christian minister if you are not a Christian? I don't really think it's fair that despite her warnings to you about her being a Christian and you stating that you were fine with that, then suddenly you are upset that she is including religious aspects in the ceremony. It sounds like you are upset that she doesn't want to compromise on her beliefs to cater to your beliefs, yet you're asking her to do the same thing.

There are plenty of ordained ministers out there who are not associated with a religion. Is it the family aspect? Did you feel obligated to go with FH's aunt because she's family?

Our officiant was a judge, so there was no religious reference at all. I think when you use non-clergy as officiants, they have less religion infused services. But bottom line is, it's your day, so you need to be satisfied with the verbiage.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is the one hard part about working with family they think because they are family they can just do what they want. Its your wedding ceremony so I would stick to your guns i mean you aren't saying you want everything out right just certain things. I know your wedding is coming up quickly but if she is set on making your entire ceremony religious would you be ok finding another officiant that's not family? When you are paying an outside person you have more control because they work for you that day which is not always the same feeling you get with family.

Right! We are going with FH aunt, because that was important to him. I have fine with everything we have decided on, including prayer, some religious verbiage (such as asking god to bless the marriage). It's just this opening that she has, which I don't like. She has been great with the changes we've wanted to make, we just weren't ready for her to say she really wanted to keep that part and if we were okay with it. FH said okay during the meeting because we didn't have anything to use instead. I think if we send her an e-mail with a little different verbiage it will probably be fine, it's just what is has is over the top. I'm more hurt by FH this morning just waving it off saying we would talk about it later verse just talking to me quick about it. I felt like my opinion didn't matter. I know he was trying to get out of the house for work, so maybe he really meant he just didn't have time and needed to leave, I just felt slighted by that. I dont' have any worries that she will add anything back in that we have already discussed and I am glad she is able to officiate our wedding. She also knows where I stand on religion and questioning beliefs, so it's not like I lied to her. She understands that and is completely understanding of it, which is why we have changed some things and she has been great about it. I'm hoping FH and I will be able to discuss this part and he will be on my side about it and we can approach her and come to an agreement on the one little section.

Find an opening that you & FH can agree upon and send it to the aunt/officiant asking her to make the substitution.

You still have a couple of months to iron out the details. If you don't think she'll agree to the changes, find yourself a civil wedding officiant (I do non-religious weddings all the time).

You don't have to be non religious to tone down that kind of language. That definitely sounds like more strict language than what you are looking for. Have your talk with FH tonight and see where that leads. You should really get what you want in the ceremony. Explain that it's not about taking religion out completely, you just want it to be about you two. Good luck.

Ditto everything Janeen said. I let religion stay in my first wedding and it felt so hollow and wrong. I will not be making that mistake this time.

Sounds like FH just wants to not make waves with his aunt. Understandable, but not fair to you. A sit down with him is in order... good luck!

Sounds like it may be best to find a new officiant and let the aunt be a guest.

Wait... I think I'm the only one confused here. I'm half awake so please forgive me. Is FH religious and you're not? I'm not religious at all and our friend who's a total churchie is marrying us, but he is well aware we have zero belief in.... Anything.... And is leaving all religious stuff out. If he were to throw any God or jesus stuff in there, I'm pretty sure FH and I would both look him dead in the eye and go, "WTF did you just say?"

This is why I'm hiring someone. Is he having a hard time telling his aunt that's too strong verbiage or does he like what it's saying? I'd ask him over dinner or when you're both feeling relaxed if you could talk about it, and tell him what you're okay with and what feels too strong to you, and listen to what he likes and what's important to him, then come up with something that works for both of you to send to his aunt, and hopefully she's okay with whatever works for you two.