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mrswinteriscoming
VIP December 2021

(Rant) i wish my friend supported where i am in my life

mrswinteriscoming, on September 6, 2020 at 7:07 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

For background, I'm 23, FH is 29. We've been together since I was 18 and we will be getting married at the end of 2021. We both work full time and live together with our fur-baby. We will be renovating our apartment in the next year, we have a new car that is arriving soon, and eventually in a few years' time will hopefully expand our family. I've always been the 'mum friend' in my friendship group because I was more mature than the others and had my stuff together (I worked since I was 14, saved up for everything I've ever wanted or done, have a long-term serious relationship, went through uni and finished etc).

I recently told a good friend of mine (let's call her Grace) that I decided not to do anything for my birthday this year because with the expense of a new car, renovating, and eventually the wedding, my hands are pretty tied financially and that I didn't want to have everyone over for something low-key because I'd ultimately no one would help out and I'd end up cleaning up at midnight when everyone goes home, which I so can't be bothered to do on my birthday of all days. Grace jokingly started to launch the attack of 'how old are you? you're not a senior citizen!' and told me I'm too young to worry about X, Y, Z etc etc.

I'm not bothered by the idea of not doing anything for my birthday, but I got a bit angry that Grace had to comment on it in the way that she did. I can fully appreciate that she wants me to enjoy my life and not be held down by things, but I feel like she doesn't understand that (a) everything I do is because I want to do it, and (b) there's nothing wrong with being 'settled' and having the commitments I have.

I have somewhat distanced myself from Grace over the last few months because she's made some comments on various occasions which I have not appreciated, some of which I called her out on (i.e. FH and I are deathly scared of travelling by plane, she 'jokingly' suggested she'd get us therapy sessions as our wedding gift). I'm not too sure if perhaps I am overreacting to a small comment. I feel like she just doesn't understand everything in my life since she isn't at that point in her life and perhaps doesn't realise that her comments can be really offensive sometimes (such as the therapy comment). Ugh. Rant over.

8 Comments

Latest activity by Pirate & 60s Bride, on September 7, 2020 at 12:33 AM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Everyone has a different place in their lives and so her saying that might just be a reflection that that’s not where she is and so she doesn’t understand why you are. It definitely isn’t necessary for her to make those comments but she also probably doesn’t understand it for herself. I know when I got married my friends kept telling me that it was so strange to see me get married because it felt so young (I was 25 going on 26 which isn’t that young to get married aha but millennials supposedly don’t get married til later in life on average) but in reality it just made them reflect on themselves where it felt like it was something too soon for them.
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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I can be a sarcastic jokester and I have had to learn that sometimes it is not appreciated. Maybe you have grown out of your friendship with her but maybe you should talk to her and tell her those comments rub you the wrong way before maybe ending the friendship. Sometimes though some people are not meant to be in our lives.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I'm conflicted because I don't want to end the friendship because we've had such good times together, but I've definitely distanced myself lately. Over the last few months I've had comments from the more innocent 'you're only 23, calm down' to some really infuriating ones like 'why'd you pick that wedding dress? I would've made sure you got something comfortable!'.

    I have called her out on it in the past, I just feel like I don't want to be 'that' friend who constantly calls her out on it Smiley sad

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Truthfully most 23 years do not think like that. It is young and even at that age I was not thinking saving and all that and future. I surely was not thinking marriage but every person is different. I do not think she means harm by it rather she does not want to lose fun times with her friend. If you value the friendship then like any good friendship talk it out first and maybe hear her side of things. She could be worried once you get married you won't want to spend as much time with her. Marriage life does not change your relationships greatly but you are more devoted to your partner and to a 23 year old that can be a little scary. I say talk it out with her.

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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I met my best friend more than 40 years ago and we've always been bffs; however, we have often (almost always?) been in different places in our lives and that's been okay because we respect each other's choices and enjoy whatever time we get together. If you feel like "Grace's" comments were meant as a criticism/put-down, then I'd probably tell her how they made you feel. But, they also potentially sound like the kind of thing that could have been good-natured teasing between friends. If I thought that was the case, I'd probably just laugh them off. At 23, she may be kind of immature and just not in the same place, and is having a hard time relating (or is possibly jealous of where you are in your life). If your relationship with her is important to you, continue to give her some time and space.

    Daughter & SIL married at 23/24 yrs. They are part of a large friend group and they are in such a different place than many of their friends; they are already a couple years into establishing their careers and have a lot of responsibilities at work, are renting a nice house, and are probably months from purchasing their first home. The large majority of their friends are still living with their parents, some haven't finished school and/or they are working non-career-track jobs. Some of the guys spend virtually all their free time playing videogames...the same thing they did 13-15 years ago when they were all in middle school together. Daughter and SIL are still friends with the others, but they just spend much less time with them and that's okay. As time goes on, most of the others will likely move along with their careers and relationships, and will likely have more in common with SIL and D. In the meantime they have also made new friends that have more in common with their current situation. Good luck finding a way maintain the good parts of your friendship with Grace. (FWIW daughter has always been "an old soul," so she's always had friends with a wide-range of interests.)

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  • Jessica
    Master September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    You know your friend better than we do, so if her comments are hurting you I would definitely say something. If my bff made the same comments, I would laugh it off because I know it’s just the way she is and the relationship we have. We are all at different points in our lives and I can see that is probably hard for her to understand where you’re at, but if she’s a true friend let her know how you feel and that you could use her support.
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Sometimes friendships fizzle out and not everyone grows together. I had a best friend and we grew apart after my husband and I moved in together, then got engaged. She didnt support it and always made comments because after a year and 3 months we moved in together, and 8 months after moving in together he proposed. People wont always be happy for you or always on the same level too
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    I would kindly call her out in her sarcasm. You can wait until she does it again or call her and say something like “I’ve loved our friendship for xx years. But sometimes your sarcastic comments are really hurtful. Like when I said ABC and you said XYZ. I’d really could use more support from you.” If she’s not willing to own up to it, the friendship will end anyway but that'll be her choice and good practice to set healthy boundaries.
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