Rant ahead

I think having a private wedding is a good idea or rather a small ceremony just family. I say invite your mom and tell her your plan. Either she comes or doesn't/ I do not feel you need to custom your wedding for anyone. Tell her it is your day and her friends are not invite nor is family. She can guilt trip you all she wants but it is your day and either she comes or not.

Just because you do love your mother, does not mean she should be invited to your wedding. Her intolerance of people who hold different views from herself , and the way she and her chorus use their religious beliefs to denigrate and hurt others, is strong anti-social behavior. You want to embrace and accept people , even those different from you. At least unless what they do injures others, in any way. Her using her views as a weapon, is beyond the limits of what you will tolerate. So are her friend's behaviors. That is because you are living your faith of loving all people as God's children. While she lives in a me first, and cast out any who disagree with me world. Not the Catholic faith I have heard of. Or the priest. ( I am not Catholic, or Christian, but hubby raised Catholic.) Extremists with a narrow focus can coexist peacefully with others. But she chooses not to. Have the big wedding you want. Tell Mom she is not invited. Her friends are not invited. And tell her why. Narcissistic behavior cloaked in religion , puts her beyond the limits of social behavior that you must accept. She is like a drunk or drug addict in the family. You can and do love her. But there is absolutely no reason why you should invite anyone this actively, hurtfully intolerant, to come male other people unhappy at your wedding. And all the other people who truly love you will come to your big beautiful wedding. And for once be at a family and friends event for you, where they do not have to worry about her hurtful pronouncements. It is hard to tell your own mom, no. But do it. In the long run it will be worth it. A great relief. We had to do this with my first husband's mother. My only regret, and his , after we were married, was that we had not cut her off before her behavior spoiled so much. You can see her to visit, now and later. But you need the key to the door in the wall. And her locked out of your wedding, and any other time her behavior to others is hurtful . If you have kids, how much you want her around them will be an issue. She sees herself as wonderful and righteous. But does not see her own narcissism, her total lack of appropriate social behavior. You need to recognize it, and separate her on occasions like your wedding. You know your FMIL is lesbian. Do you know how many other of your friends, ad their families are? How many are divorced and happily living with a new spouse, without benefit of church sanction? How does she behave with a woman 6 months pregnant, no husband?

As pp said you do not have to essentially cancel your dream wedding because your mom won’t behave. While yes she raised you as is your mother you are also a grown woman which means it’s time to start pushing back. If your mom can’t behave and let’s people make derogatory statements about you and still invites them to your wedding I don’t think she’s someone who’s going to suck it up and be quiet at your small ceremony.
Have your big wedding tell your mom her friends can’t come end of story and if they show up there will be consequences and that you are no longer tolerating that type of behavior. This stuff doesn’t stop once your married because by her logic you’re still her child and she can lord that over you as she pleases.

When people give off negative energy they are hard to be around, religous or not. Instead of looking at it as you're doing something wrong, maybe think is she being the mother she should be.

I had a "come to Jesus" with my parents. When I told them that they were not invited to the wedding, that brought them to a point to communicate a plan to move forward. I had wanted to tell them via viedochat (I live on the other side of the country for a reason!) but after 2 months they were never available so I carefully penned an email. I express myself well in written words, so that was the best form of communication for me. My mom lives in fear of being uninvited to my wedding again and that's sad, but it's made my life a lot easier to plan the wedding that we want. I could go into more background on my situation if you're interested, but I promise I know where you're coming from. This approach helped with me.

Here's an edited version of my letter. Perhaps it'll be a useful template:

Dear Mom and Dad,
It's been a while since I've talked to yall. That's partly because I've been busy with (example). It's partly because yall have been busy. (example). It's also partly because talking to yall on the phone does not uplift me. It does not rejuvenate or encourage me after a long day or a long week. Instead, I often start to doubt myself after talking to yall on the phone. I feel like I am never good enough for yall, and that yall will never accept me for who I have become.

I am an adult and have been an adult for years now. It's been over a decade since I lived with yall. It's been years since I had to borrow money or needed yall to help with a move. Now that I'm with FH, I'm even more independent. I have a phone plan and bank account with him. We will soon share insurance together and eventually we'll get married.

I know that yall do not approve of my decision to marry FH. That's fine, but it does not effect my decision or autonomy as an adult to make my own decisions. For a year now, I have tried to make accommodations and compromises to try and make yall more comfortable with our decision. (**insert example of attempted compromise**). We got engaged. Yall met his family.
Yet after an entire year, it seems yall have only doubled down, continuing to criticize me and make me feel bad for my adult decisions. I've reached the point that I'm tired of trying to make yall accept me and my fiance. I'm exhausted of trying to chip away at yall's stubbornness and bitterness. At a time in my life when I am truly happy and excited for what lies ahead, all I receive from yall is criticism and discouragement. I can't do it anymore.

I have waited too long for the right man to come along, and it hurts that yall do not realize this. I have no expectation from yall for my wedding. I feel like yall do not approve of my relationship with FH, and so I have little conviction to have yall share in that special moment when FH and I enter into marriage. I do not expect yall to pay for the wedding and I do not even expect yall to go. The choice is ultimately up to you, but our wedding will be a special moment to celebrate FH and I, and if yall do not support our relationship, I don't see any reason why yall would support our wedding.
I do not mean this as an attack, although I do expect to get a defensive response to this message. These are my feelings, plain and simple. Take it or leave it, but do know this is how I feel. Hopefully in the future, I can turn to my parents when I need love and support. Maybe one day I will be able to talk to yall both together. Perhaps sometime in the future yall will
finally forgive me for loving the man that I love. I hope that we can get there some day.

(It was in the response to this email that I told them they were not invited to the wedding. They are not entitled to be parents unless they act like parents (love and support). That's when I started to get a reformed behavior.)

OMG I'm so sorry you are going through this. My mom's sisters and mom were wacko religious (to the point where they claimed my grandfather's stroke - that left him wheelchair bound and unable to communicate for the remainder of his life - was because he was possessed by the devil so God spited him, and this was a man who set them up financially so my grandmother and aunt never had to work a day in their life to pay for anything, even after he died). They have since passed but I NEVER would have let them attend my wedding, and my mom would have respected that but she also would have gotten a lot of heat for it.

Frankly, I think people who don't respect you or your values don't belong at your wedding, shared blood or not. Your mom clearly doesn't respect you if she won't honor the fact that you don't want someone who basically defamed you at your wedding and if she would be bigoted towards your FMIL, who sounds like a great lady who has done a lot to shape your FH into the man his is today and the person you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with.

I totally understand feeling guilty, but I think the decision to make your wedding smaller and more intimate is a smart one. Your wedding is supposed to be a day that celebrates your union and is shared by people who love and cherish you and who make you feel joy. If your relationship with your mom isn't good and she often makes you feel upset or angry, then I think not having her there is the right call.

I am so sorry! I have friends like this, so I can relate.

To keep it short, it is okay to cut ties with the toxic people in your life, and it is okay to put your foot down. If you do want your mom there, you are allowed to NOT invite those friends. If they have said awful things about you, they should not be invite to your wedding. You need to be honest with your mom. It is not okay for her to guilt trip you. She has no say in your wedding, especially if she is not paying for it.

Good luck!

Yikes, that sounds so difficult! So sorry you're dealing with this.

I'd suggest telling her your plan, including your MIL's sexual orientation, and letting her decide if she wants to come. It can be up to her to tolerate people different than her or miss your wedding. Whatever she picks, you're free of guilt.

Either way, it's a difficult situation and I wish you the best!

Girlll listen. YOUR money YOUR choice. PERIOD!!! There is no respect lost. I am not inviting my father nor anyone from that side of my family. I love them but I'm paying for this wedding and I refuse to pay for people that i barely know or talk to. Do what is best for YOU and your fiance.

Maybe a destination wedding that way, those that attend will have to "get there". Less people, less stress, and I wont see you on World Star. lol. But frfr, in all reality, you can still have what you want on a smaller scale. I am inviting 70 max. That's it that's all and we are going to have a wonderful time. Explain to your mother that you love honor and respect her, but this is YOUR wedding and YOUR money therefore YOUR decisions and stand firm. She will either stay mad or get over it.

oh and let me mention....I'm what they call a PK (preachers kid, in fact a pastors kid)

I agree with the people that said don't cancel your dream wedding because of your mother. It's your day, your money and your one change to do it. You don't want to be regretting it forever

You shouldn't not have your dream wedding because of 1 person or a group of people. Your day being amazing is not dependent on your guest list. Keep those plans going and that drama at bay! Who ever you want to be there, invite. You are not required to invite anyone to your wedding!

Thanks everyone! I will take the advice and comfort full hearted.