Quick question regarding Rehearsal Dinner guests

For her to come to the rehearsal dinner as well. And they're kind of just a package deal so of course my aunt goes to (that seems normal to us but I understand if it sounds weird to you all or weird to FH and FMIL). Just wondering on grandparents as far as the party and rehearsal go. She's the only living grandparent left between the two of us, I feel like this situation would be a bit easier if it were on FH's side as well. OH and forgot to mention (not sure how this is a big deal): FMIL IS paying for the rehearsal dinner so she gets a say, I'm just trying to avoid any passive aggressiveness between her and my mother at the rehearsal dinner....blehhh

ETA: not sure if this is important, but my grandmother and aunt are flying in to my parents' town, and my parents are taking them down to our town where we are getting married, they are staying with my parents the whole time, my mom just doesn't want to leave them in the hotel by themselves when they've come so far to be at our wedding. Feel like I'm just trying to convince you guys to side with me now (lol) but seriously I did want to know about having grandparents at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

If FMIL is paying for the rehearsal dinner, she gets to dictate the guest list. Sorry. If you're uncomfortable with that then you should decline her offer to host.

I'm not sure if your grandma is considered part of the party. Is she attending the actual rehearsal? If she is, then she should be at the dinner. FWIW, I would invite grandparents to the rehearsal dinner (all of ours have passed), but it's not up to you this time.

A lot of OOT guests are invited to Rehearsal dinners where I am from and that I have attended. I think it depends on your budget and what you and your family usually do or want to do in this situation?

I would say your grandmother should be considered to be in the wedding as she would need to know when she will be escorted down (i.e. the ordering) and where her seat is going to be.

Edit: Also, I think just bc your FILs are paying, it doesn't mean that they should be able to dictate the guest list. They should be hosting it on your behalf, but you should have majority control on the guest list...that's just my opinion though.

If grandma has a role in the wedding, she needs to be included in the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

Thank you for the input! I'm glad you guys are with me on the whole "grandmother is part of the rehearsal" thing, I just wanted to check in to see if that was weird or not. FH and I are the first to get married out of our siblings and quite frankly the first out of our cousin's who have done a wedding that wasn't backyard potluck (which is totally fine IMO if you can't afford to do the whole shebang deal, we just wanted something a little more traditional) so as far as what's normal for our family-it's hard to say! I'm trying to do things the "right" way but I don't have much of a comparison to hold it to, which is why I'm constantly on these forums asking you all to please help me! (thank you btw).

My FMIL hasn't downright said, "your grandmother and aunt shouldn't be there," but I am prepared to pay for the rehearsal if it gets to that point-I don't think it will, I just want to make sure I'm not in the wrong if I do correct her passive aggressive comments about how it's tacky to have my grandmother and aunt there.

ETA: FH and I got engaged but decided to buy a house first. My parents sat us down and told us they were giving us X amount of dollars for either the house or the wedding-whichever we wanted to use it for was fine. We wound up splitting it between both but just wanted to explain that my parents have also contributed to our wedding, FH's parents' contribution was paying for the rehearsal, which is extremely gracious of them and I'm not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth, just explaining that my parents did contribute to our wedding and this is really coming down to what my mom wants vs. what FMIL wants to do for the rehearsal, so it's hard for me to just say "well so and so is paying for it!" when they've both contributed =/

That is tough... But I would just ask her if it's okay. Explain what you have just explained here, about wanting your grandmother there (which is TOTALLY appropriate I think) but that your Aunt sort of takes care of her and it would be best if she were there as well. Hopefully she will see your point, and if not, then really, you'll have to deal since they are hosting.

My step sister and half sister are not invited to mine, which I feel super bad about, but I understand having to have a limit. I also have three step siblings on my mom's side that would have to be invited to and so on.... Good luck!

Anyone who is coming from out of town and will be here the night before the wedding will DEFINITELY be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I think it is only far to invite them.

Every wedding that I have ever been to where I don't live in the state, I was invited to the rehearsal dinner.

@Atredis-wow, good luck to you too, I'm sorry your half sister and step siblings can't come to yours, that would break my heart.

@Magz1018-I told FMIL before, because I don't think it's a money thing for her, I think it's more of a "well they don't belong there" thing, that if she wants, please have her brother and sister that are flying in attend the rehearsal dinner as well. Her sister is flying in day-of, so she said she can't come, and then she told me the next day she talked to her brother and verbatim this is what she said to me:

"I told John he could come to the rehearsal dinner and he said, '(FMIL) WHAT? Of course I don't go to the rehearsal dinner, you've been hanging out down there too long where'd your tact go?'" (it took more words than that but summing it up that's what it was, and a lot more references to the fact that inviting people who aren't in the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner is just completely classless)

That's what I mean about the passive aggressive comments, like did she just call me tacky in a roundabout way by saying her brother said it...? Or am I looking too deep into it? Either way, offering to extend the invite to OOT family members on FH's side did not do the trick.

Wow this family feels really strongly about who gets invited to rehearsal dinners.

I definitely don't see how inviting people not in the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner is classless.

@Lori-Omgosh right?! She exaggerates a bit so it's completely possible that that conversation simply never happened but seriously how is this such an ordeal?

OMG i went through the SAME drama with my FMIL. She is paying for the dinner even though we have both told her a thousand times if she has a problem with our guest list we are more than willing to pay for it. I even cut out our bridal party bringing dates and our pastor isn't even coming.

I'm sorry to hear this. Everyone I know thinks the same way I do. If this was just a friend I would say, fine let her have it her way. But this is your actual family. Good luck!

@Sally - I don't feel like I can say anything about it either. My FFIL is preparing the dinner (he's a sous chef) and they really don't have a ton of money, so I haven't pushed the issue. I'm terrible at confrontation though.

Your FMIL's family has a weird interpretation of tact!! IMO obviously. I'd think inviting more people would be seen as a nice gesture!!

Ahhh, thank you all. Maybe this was more of a venting post than I originally meant for. It does make me feel better to see that I'm not the only one with these thoughts here. I'm not bad at confrontation but I do feel out of line going, "okay, just tell me if you have a problem with them coming." I just think it's rude, and she'll just say, "oh no no it's fine" and then move into more backhanded comments, so it's not really worth it. I'm just going to put on my big girl pants and deal with the comments, and if I can't anymore we'll just pay for the rehearsal ourselves (which I have only not done by now because I do feel like it's rude at this point to decline them hosting).

@Magz1018, while it is COMMON for OOT guests to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, it is by no means the standard. The basic guest list for the RD are the wedding party, readers, etc (anyone who will be at the rehearsal). Anything beyond that is based upon what hostess is able to host.

Um, SHE'S YOUR GRANDMOTHER. She should be invited, and if your FMIL disagrees, she is being a #$%&! I think your FH needs to step in and tell his mother that your grandma and aunt are coming, period, end of discussion. If the extra $100 it might cost to have them there is a problem, offer to pay it. Hopefully she'll be embarrassed and lay off.

I had this little discussion with my FMIL. She basically gave my side 4 people invited and hers is around 20. I know she is paying for it so she can dictate who can and cant but i did hve a serious convo with her about how my family needs to be included as well because Fh's 2nd cousin twice removed (exaggerating) is invited.

She calmed down and I explained that I am excited to have all of her OOT guests from her side, but my parents, sister, BMs and godmom need to be invited as they are in the rehearsal. Her family is HUGE and she is having all of them there for the dinner and our wedding (we are paying) yet at first wanted to give me a limit. I did however open her eyes that it was a little lopsided and if she could maybe consider making it a little more of a rehearsal with everyone who needs to be there vs the "_____" family reunion LOL

@FMG-yikes I would be pissed! Glad you were able to handle it without completely losing it! I'm with you on the family reunion thing that's how FMIL was treating our guest list. FH and FBIL had a serious conversation with her about it and it stopped.