Question about Fh's relationship with his mother

Have you talked to your FH about how this makes you feel? This doesn't sound like a situation that is magically going to change. My husband was never like that, so I think it's more based on your FH's relationship with his family and less something that we will mature out of or will get married and realize it's all about you. I would definitely talk to him about how this makes you feel. If it something he continues to struggle with, I would suggest couples counselling. Good luck!

I completely understand both sides of this. I am really close with my mom, she is my best friend. I have been going to her for advice for my whole life and it is hard to not to continue to ask her thoughts on most things. But this has been a sore spot with my fiance because he thinks I value her opinion over hers. I try avoiding bringing my mom into anything that is between my FH and I (like a honeymoon destination) because it is really between just us.

In my defense, my FH brings his parents into most things too and convince them of ANYTHING. So his opinion becomes theirs and then they all gang up against me on a topic.

You just need to talk to your FH about how you feel. Nothing will change until you do. He might not even realize he is doing it. I certainly didn't know I was doing this to my FH until he brought it to my attention. Remind him that he is marrying you for a reason, he much trust your opinion and be ready to share his life with you. You are family now and that means just as much as his relationship with his parents.

Best of luck!

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Yeah I've talked to him and there have been multiple situations where she and I have told him different things and I've ended up being right (thanks google). That has helped to open his eyes a bit, but I do think it's something that will take time. He also lives at home still, so I'm wondering if it'll make a difference when he's no longer around them all the time.

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Yeah, I go to my parents for advice a lot too, but they live in a different continent and there's a 8 hour time difference, so it's really only for big things (financial and career advice mostly). There are definitely moments where I trust their advice more than his, but it's only in areas where they are legitimate experts (my dad is an economist) and he is not. Either way, I try to respect his opinion, and my parents would never speak down to him like his parents do to me (I don't know if they realise that they do it or not)

This changed long before we even moved in together/got engaged. It may sound extreme but I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t take my word on things and didn’t formulate their own opinion on adult decisions (like the honeymoon). I’m extremely close to my mom. I see her regularly and ask her advice as a mom and as a wife but I have not ever placed my mother’s opinion on a pedestal that my husband needed to come up against.

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I agree that it's not an issue to overlook. I think part of the problem is that he's someone who is very risk averse and before meeting me he had never traveled without his parents. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of Costa Rica when I first mentioned it, so I'm sure his parents calling the idea crazy just solidified his biases.

He admits that his mother is stubborn and doesn't ever admit to being wrong, but he has told me that if his mother and I get into a disagreement he's not going to get involved. I do wish he would defend me in those instances, but his relationship with is dad is rocky (his dad feels disrespected is he ever challenges anything he says, and in the past threatened to kick him out of the house for disagreeing with him), so I can understand why he's cautious.

Talk to him about it. When you guys are married it will be between you two and not anybody else. It’s good to get advice from older people but they should not have any say about personal aspects especially your honeymoon.

View Quoted Comment It sounds like you guys could use some pre-marital counseling to learn how to set boundaries with his parents. It’s not disrespectful as an adult to disagree with another adult, even if it’s your parent. It’s also not necessary to discuss every decision you’re making as a couple with his parents.

You def need to talk to him. You have to clarify that advice is nice and sometimes needed from his family, but a lot of your future together should be about you and him.

This isn't acceptable in a marriage or any significant relationship. For some time, yes, we must build trust with a new person, and trust their words and actions. Once you both decided that this relationship was significant was when he should have accepted all of you and your knowledge. Going "above" you to ask for secondary advice or to make sure your stance on a topic is correct is downright rude and quite condescending. This is something that needs to be addressed. If you can go to some type of counseling and work on communication that would be ideal. I would work on this before marriage though. Marriage won't automatically put you on a pedestal.

I’m 60/years old and I think in general, men don’t hear what you say until someone else says it even if you said it 100 times. But if it’s a real issue, talk to him about valuing you and the partnership you’re forming soon.

Thank you everyone for the input, wisdom, and advice.

I talked to him about it and he clarified that he doesn't care about his parent's opinion on where we go on honeymoon (or most things to do with our relationship). He just wants to keep the peace in the house so he opts to not disagree with them to their face. He says that once he moves out he'll feel like he has more of a "right" to disagree with them, but for not it's best for him to just keep his mouth shut.

Oftentimes, things like that don't change until you make it known that it bothers you.

My husband is very much an independent thinker, but does go to his parents (especially mom) for advice/opinions. LOVE my MIL, but sometimes her thoughts are a little different than ours, especially when she's missing some information (simply because she wasn't there or wasn't shared the full story, etc). I'd say in the last year or so, he's really come to realize that his wife's (then, fiancee's ) thoughts are going to align best with his family, while still being able to appreciate his parents' and siblings'. It did take a little bit of me pointing out some nonsense, though.

I can't imagine a single thing my husband would go to for his mother or father over me. I would bring this up with him & possibly go to pre-marital counseling about it. It seems a little odd he believes every single thing they say over you (or anyone else).