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Just Said Yes May 2022

Proper etiquette for wedding invites to distant family

Gabriella, on April 12, 2021 at 10:38 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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I am planning a wedding and was trying to complete the guest list. Originally, it was going to be a small, intimate wedding with maybe 40 people but now my fiancé wants to invite twice as many so now I feel obligated to extend my invites to family who are distant. We are looking at a guest list right now where approx 75% of the guest belong on his side. I have a small family on my mom's side who are scattered between two states and only really reunite for funerals. I have been invited to all my cousins weddings so far with proper invites and went to most of them. I never knew my dad till his last days on this earth but he has a big family but all live far away as well.

The wedding will be in California - across the country for my entire mom's side of the family. I would be shocked if any actually made the journey for my wedding.

I feel like inviting a few people I met related to my dad would be a nice gesture and a way for us to build a closer relationship. They live a tad bit closer to where the wedding will be held.

Should I bother inviting all these people when this is the most of my family unit? I'm an only child of a single mom who comes from an incredibly small immediate family in my view.

If so what would be the proper etiquette for invites? Mail an invite to all their addresses? I liked this one idea I heard where someone mailed paper invites to immediate family and did e-vites to everyone else. Would it be ok to FB message an e-vite or would that be just too tacky? I also like the idea of doing some digital form of invites or RSVP to cut down on paper (people are going to toss them anyway right?).

Since most have families now and it would be a destination vacation for them I would welcome kids also.

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Latest activity by Mcskipper, on April 12, 2021 at 1:12 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah Online · on April 12, 2021 at 10:53 AM
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I wouldn't invite people just for the sake of inviting them. Your wedding is a time to celebrate with the people who you are close with, not the time to try to make closer connections with distant family. Sides don't have to be even. If these are people you can't imagine getting married without, send them an invitation. If you are inviting them just because it may be the polite thing to do and your FH's family is larger, I would save the money. If you do opt to invite these people, all guests should get a formal invitation to the mail. It would be rude to give some people traditional invites and the rest digital.
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VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on April 12, 2021 at 11:34 AM
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You don't have to invite more people just because your fiancé does. If he's close to his extended family and you're not, yours won't know that. My fiancé and his parents are inviting about 2/3 of our guests. Numbers aren't always even. Save your money for the people who are closest to you!
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 12, 2021 at 11:42 AM
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I would take a FB invite to mean, she neither wanted to invite you nor gives a hoot if you come, made clear by the low class invitation sent.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle Online · on April 12, 2021 at 12:24 PM
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You both need to get on the same page. Decide whether you want something big or small. Make a list of the folks that each of you can't imagine the day without. Everyone else gets an announcement.
Never send out obligatory invites. Either you want someone in attendance or you don't. An obligatory invite is one sent to please other people (parents pressuring you for example). Who are these people to him? Does he interact with them regularly or only see them once every 15 years with no communication in between visits? If you are only inviting a small number because that is what you agreed on, then it's not fair from him to everyone he's met essentially. It's about respect and communication.
Nothing wrong with reaching out to rekindle those relationships but a family reunion at another time is better. Your wedding is not the time for that, when so many brides say they barely get to see or talk to the guests they are close to.
Agree with Judith on the Facebook invites. Not everyone uses that service anyway. Keep all invites equal and traditional paper.
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Rockstar July 2018
Mcskipper · on April 12, 2021 at 1:12 PM
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Frankly, a wedding isn’t a great time to manifest or rekindle a relationship that isn’t strong — it’s pretty impersonal as you will have a million other people you know and love to also be trying to get a minute in with all day. They could travel all that way and only get in a few face to face minutes with you. So if it means a lot for you to invite them, go for it, but if you’re just trying to build a relationship that’s not there and their presence wouldn’t add anything to your day, I wouldn’t bust the guestlist for that personally.

If you want them there though, and you have the budget for it and your FI agrees, go for it. But absolutely 1000% NOT evites, particularly when some got paper invites. That makes them feel like an afterthought, even if they very much aren’t. It says “I want you there I guess but not enough to track down your address and pay for the stamp” — it sounds like the complete opposite of the message you want to send! If you want to invite them, really invite them.
That last paragraph I started with “if you want them there” — take some time to focus on that one. It’s not actually clear from your original post if you actually do, or if it’s just for the sake of fostering a relationship. Sit with that, think about your day, and the type of people you want surrounding you. We had a hard cap on guestlist so had to draw some hard lines and the question I would ask when I was going through our list was “is this someone I really care about being there? Or am I just inviting them because I feel like I should?” ...it was the people I realized I couldn’t imagine my day without that made the cut.
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Proper etiquette for wedding invites to distant family

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