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Melissa
Savvy September 2023

Program etiquette on estranged parents/grandparents?

Melissa, on December 8, 2022 at 7:41 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7
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My fiancé opted to leave his mother off of the program as she is not invited anyway and no one has a problem with that as she is an abusive and manipulative person and not a single one of her kids has any positive feelings for her. However I ran into an issue with trying to leave a deceased grandparent off of the program. His 4th wife is alive and will be invited to the wedding. He abused my mom and aunt in many ways, and so they and I didn't really have a relationship with him. The last time I saw him, I was a kid and he was trying to swindle me out of money for a piece of rusted junk. My mom had to process a lot of anger toward him over many things all the way up til after he died. Oddly enough though, my mom was the one upset about leaving him off the invite. They're helping pay for the wedding, so I kind of feel bullied into putting him on there. Her retort is, "I didn't realize a grandparent stopped being a grandparent." It took every fiber of my being to not say, "Well, that was his choice to not be a father or a grandparent." I have him on there as "In memory of" instead of "In loving memory of" like the others, but seeing his name on there leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Should I just get over it? I know this is a really bad attitude to have over something seemingly so small. And leaving him off could potentially upset other family members. She forgave him, and so did I, but it's the premise of the matter. Just because I forgave doesn't mean that I won't forget, and his name being there to me is a symbol. My first marriage was abusive, and I don't want abusive people remembered and celebrated at our wedding.

7 Comments

Latest activity by Beth, on December 8, 2022 at 6:32 PM
  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Melissa, I'd junk the ceremony programs entirely as they are not required. Often couples deal with the program closer to wedding date (as a last thought). The fact your family is pressuring you 9 months early, makes me angry for you. Brush it off, tell them little in the future, and reply you are focusing on the holidays with your fiance. Best wishes and happy new year!

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  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2023
    Melissa ·
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    Well, it kind of happened because I set up a wedding website. We're doing a lot of things early because we have so many out of state guests, like half of the entire invite list. So we set up the website to help get info to them early. I followed The Knot's website design and it had a wedding party page already premade on it, so I just kind of thought that was part of the etiquette and filled it out. Maybe I'll take him off for now and deal with it later. A lot of the family is old school and likes the programs, so I was planning to do it for them. But maybe the paper one I'll leave grandparents off entirely and avoid the problem. Honestly I don't think any are going to be there but one. Most are passed or home bound.

    Thank you and happy new year!

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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Your wedding party page is for the wedding party, not family. Cut them all off the page make it easy. Lol

    Also programs are really an unnecessary waste of money. However it's yours and your finances wedding, no one else's. People are going to have an input on everything. 😒
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  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2023
    Melissa ·
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    Yea. I already designed a program. Maybe I'll just have then put a condensed form of it on the screen with just the order of service and wedding party and skip the paper. Fortunately I have a while yet to think on it lol. I appreciate everyone's input though so I can figure out how to handle!

    The wedding website we used for hotel info, maps, ect, so we specifically designed it to be used by the guests. I can always remove that page entirely though if it becomes a big issue with family
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Edited after reading your last comments. Glad you are feeling better about it!

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  • Melissa
    Savvy September 2023
    Melissa ·
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    So funny story, my mom gets these too from having a linked account or something I guess so we talked about it LOL. I think it was more from the side of, there's people on that side of the family that didn't know about the abuse and it could stir up hurt for people to purposely exclude him, so I get it. She said she agrees, that a program is probably not necessary. I am so blessed to have understanding parents and future husband. That could have went very differently LOL

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  • Beth
    Beginner September 2023
    Beth ·
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    phew-dogs.gif
    That could have went differently! Happy to see that you were able to talk it through!! Best wishes!
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