Private ceremony due to family illness

I suggest doing it now so you can have that person with you.

I wouldn't lie to others though, what would that accomplish? Your reason for marrying early is valid and I think everyone would understand and be respectful.

I agree with OGKathryn, what is the point of lying? Y

The day will be special because that is the day you are marrying your FH, not all the other stuff you mentioned

I'm so sorry, this is terrible. No reason to keep it a secret. Go out and buy a white dress. Get someone to take pictures. This will be your wedding, and hopefully, you'll only have one. You can have a party later.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Honestly, I'd keep your feelings to yourself. The last thing your FH needs when he's facing losing a parent is hearing about how you're upset your wedding won't go down the way you want it to. Get married now so that this parent can be there, don't keep it a secret, and renew your vows on your originally planned wedding date.

Also, I may have come off a little harsh, but my wedding got cancelled due to weather and then we lost my husband's mother like three days after. And I had the same feelings of disappointment that the wedding I planned wouldn't happen, but realized my husband had lost way more.

A few years ago, I was approached about officiating a handfasting ceremony for a couple. The FOG was terminal and would not make it to their planned wedding date about 9 mos. later.

During the ceremony, I impulsively asked the FOG to tie the cord on the B&G's hands.

It meant a lot to the few guests present and the B&G for him to see them handfasted and to participate.

Here we go again, with the lying shit. It makes me nuts.

I've done at least five of these weddings that I can remember, for families who had one parent on death's door.

Get married (and kudos to you for knowing how much this means to your fiance.) Keep it very simple.

Tell everyone's parents and that's it Do your big family celebration and enjoy every minute with your friends and family. Do they care that you signed the license that day? No, they do not. Literally, in 1500 weddings or so, no one has EVER asked me about the license. Not one couple has ever had their friends and family boycott their wedding because of the lack of license....in fact, in many countries, you have to get married civilly first, before the church wedding and celebration.

I'm prepared for the usual barrage of, "if I knew it was a vow renewal I wouldn't go....I wouldn't fly across the country, blah blah blah".

You do what serves your family. Your celebration will be everything you hope for it to be. Your friends and family will celebrate with you, and you will know, in your hearts, that his father got to see that happen. And it's all good.

I see no reason to keep it a secret. This is a completely legitimate reason to get married before your wedding.

Also, your party can be a celebration of your marriage without it being a wedding. People will still come without the ceremony.

Depends on who you ask. There's a snotty knotty kind of community that would ream their pointy WASP heels at you for wanting to have an official ceremony and party after you're legally married.

You have very valid reasons for moving up the wedding, as everyone has pointed out, and you can still plan a reception afterwards to celebrate, though it really wouldn't be a wedding (and if you've already put a deposit down, spin it into something else). Wearing a cupcake and having bridesmaids wouldn't really work if you already are married. A huge plus would be that you wouldn't get charged as much for a celebration party.

I knew a guy who was married to a girl at the JOP last minute due to immigration issues. She didn't change her last name, and they lived just fine for four years. Cut to last year, she's posting about a wedding announcement. To the same guy. Any attempt to comment and bring up that event, at the JOP, with like a dozen of your friends who came to be supportive in lieu of parents - instantly deleted. She got a pretty party dress custom made, they had bridesmaids, groomsmen, professional photos taken in a filthy alleyway, a photo booth with zany props, and of course, she changed her last name. Bring up that other event --> ban hammer.

If it were me, I could get a white dress as soon as I could, have a family ceremony with the ill family member in attendance (because that is what it's all about), do a small dinner with the immediate loved ones in your life, and have a celebration of marriage later if all the loved ones and acquaintances I would've had originally when time was a much kinder friend.

Fabulous. I just typed a giant answer to this and the internet ate it.

Stop with the lying shit. You're not lying to anyone. You simply chose to get married in private out of respect for your fiance's dad. Which is a beautiful and touching thing to do. Keep it very simple, keep it private.

Then go and have your wedding a year later. Tell your parents, no one else. The celebration with your family and friends will be lovely and different. No one, I promise (no matter what people say here) will be asking to see the license as proof that you got legally married that day. I have never had this happen in ten years and over 1500 weddings. In many countries, you'd have to get married civilly first and then have the celebration.

Yes, people here will suggest that they wouldn't fly across the country for a vow renewal, come to your wedding if it wasn't 'really a wedding....but that's just asinine. You either support your friends on their celebration day or you don't. And if you don't....well, you don't go.

Having done many of these, I can tell you that the day is just as exciting, just as moving and just as meaningful when it's a celebration with your friends and family.

Best wishes to your family, and kudos to you for including your FIL in a way that is so meaningful to him and to your fiance.

I did that. It was so worth it. You won't feel sad when you do your big celebration but don't keep it a secret. Your guests will understand. You can still do the big celebration and everyone who was on your original list will be excited to celebrate with you.

ETA: expect the day and the memories to be bittersweet. Mine certainly are, but it was so special and I wouldn't have changed a thing, especially since we lost my mom less than 2 weeks later.

I still want it to be a wedding though. I want all of my friends to stand by me, I am not very close with my family and my friends are like that to me so I still would like to do a ceremony and wedding next fall, that is why if we dont tell anyone but our immediate family it would still feel like a wedding. I want to wait until then to exchange rings and wear a wedding dress. We would have maybe a week tops to plan this so I wont have time to get a dress.

@BCbride, you can still do that and have your bridesmaids, etc. I had 4 days, and I managed to get a simple white dress (albeit not a wedding dress). You don't have to keep your wedding a secret. People will be more offended if they find out that you were already married and you kept it from them. People will still throw showers for you; I've been to many showers for military brides that had to rush a wedding and then had a shower a few months later. I have my own shower coming up. Just because you move your ceremony up for very personal and significant reasons doesn't mean that you have to miss out.

Regardless of when you have the party. The day you have the ceremony with FH will be your wedding date... IMO.

ETA: and that shouldn't be a bad thing! Just think about how much this is going to mean for FH. Big picture hun.

What about going the opposite route? Have an emotional, vow sharing in front of the FOG with all immediate family and a religious officiant, ask for his blessing and to welcome you as his daughter. Do this without a license and do the license and traditional wedding as planned. That way both events are unique, both are firsts and both are "real".

Midwest May, that's what my couple did. They had their legal ceremony 9 mos. later with the big guest list.

OP, I don't understand why you can't get married now and renew your vows next fall? You don't need to go out of your way to announce you're already married, but don't lie about it either. Perhaps your officiant could even reference it in your vow renewal ceremony.

Maybe it'd help if I explained my situation a little bit more. My Charleston venue shut down the morning of my wedding due to weather. In less than four hours (yes, you read that right), we pulled together a ceremony at the rental home we were staying at. We had donated catering, no DJ, my flowers were from Target, and I only wore my dress for 15 minutes, but I married my best friend in front of the people that matter to us most. Our plan was to renew our vows at our original venue a few days later, but my MIL was unexpectedly found unresponsive early that morning, and we lost her a little over a week later.

We ended up making it back to Charleston to renew our vows this past spring. We opted for a small, intimate affair (not that you have to), and it felt just as special as our wedding day. What made it so special wasn't the gorgeous venue or my new dress. It also wasn't our floral arrangements, photographer, or live violinist. It was being able to stand up there with my husband less than six months after the biggest test of our lives, both as a couple and individually, and know that we were stronger for it. In the first few days of our marriage, we'd gone through more than some couples go through in a decade. THAT was what made it special. It also helped that we knew we were expecting, and on the one-year anniversary of my MIL's stem cell transplant, we got to share the news with our unsuspecting families.

Please look at the big picture here. I know it's hard to not be disappointed about the fact that this may not play out exactly how you want it to, but put yourself in your FH's shoes. At the end of the day, your journey together will be beautiful because it's yours. Embrace and make the most of it.

FWIW, I am one of those people who says, "I don't want to go to a wedding if they're already married", but when I say that, I *always* say, "Unless there was some good reason to get married before like an ill loved one." Get married as quickly as possible for you FH, FMIL, and FFIL. They will forever be grateful that you put their family first. Then, have your big party as planned.

And, I understand your disappointment. I think you can say to your FH, "I am happy to do this for you and your family and I'm still disappointed"-- those two feelings aren't mutually excluisive, and it's important for couples to share how they're feeling, if they want to stay connected.

Get married asap. Get a pretty white dress. Take pictures with his dad. Then, have a "vow renewal" later on what would've been your wedding date. Don't hide it, be honest. Just explain to everyone you couldn't get married without him. Frame a sweet picture from your actual wedding day with FOG and display it proudly. Everyone will understand. And if they don't, they're assholes. You are in a situation where its appropriate to do what you're doing.

I'm one of those people who hate the "pretty princess day", but your situation is THE ONLY exception to my distaste of when people do that. I totally get it. I've lost my mom. And you know what? I wish I could've gotten married with her present. I would've thrown something intimate together to have her there. And had the vow renewal and reception later on. Exactly what you're proposing.

Just don't call it a wedding, call it a vow renewal or celebration of marriage and all is good.