Private ceremony, big reception...feedback

Personally, I wouldn't really care if I was invited to the reception and not the ceremony and I know my friends and extended family wouldn't either, but I am worried that FH's guests will not be willing to make the trip down if they are only invited to the reception. The reason I am even considering is because a lot of ocean front venues on Oahu can only accommodate a VERY limited number of guests otherwise I wouldn't even be thinking of this. Anyone have experience with this? For people who haven't been in this situation, what would you do if you got invited to a wedding reception in Hawaii? Would you be upset that you weren't invited to the ceremony? Would you still be willing to make the trip down?

I would not travel if I wasn't invited to the real thing.

I think if i was close to them i would still make the trip but you do need to be up front and honest about it being reception only. Maybe also look into some other options that would allow a bigger group.

If people are flying from so far away, I would invite them to both.

Honestly, I probably would not travel to a destination wedding unless it was for an immediate family member or best friend...and in that case, I would hope to be invited to the ceremony.

I think if FH is adamant about getting married in Hawaii, he should also have realistic expectations (non-immediate family and friends may not want to travel for a reception-only wedding in Hawaii).

Why do you want a small ceremony?

I'd be bummed if I couldn't go to the ceremony, if that's the whole reason I'm even going to Hawaii in the first place.

So you want people to travel for a DW but you don't want them to come to the ceremony?

Yeah, that's beyond rude.

My FSIL had a small, intimate ceremony in Michigan (we're in the Chicago area) and then the following week she had a HUGE reception. But I think the reason it worked out for her was because they were on different dates - so only a few people had to travel for the ceremony. Everyone else didn't have to go out of their way to attend the reception, which is what people actually LIKE about weddings.

ETA: Well, I usually want to fall asleep during ceremonies, IDK how other people feel.

I think it's only fair to invite them to the ceremony if they are traveling so far.

I originally was going to do a small courthouse ceremony and then a restaurant reception, but I felt guilty asking my side of the family to drive 3+ hours to just come to the reception.

Does it matter why she wants a small ceremony?

Not to mention she said, a lot of beachfront venues can only accommodate a certain number of people.

Regardless, I'm all for having an intimate ceremony, but I can't imagine a lot of your guests would be willing to travel for just a reception. I think it's a lot different when it's local to the vast majority of your guests. You could consider foregoing a reception in Hawaii and have it with FH guests in WA.

A user on here is having their wedding in Hawaii, she is doing it with just immediate family. Then she is coming back to the states and doing a "celebration of marriage" for all of those not at her wedding. That is acceptable. Inviting your guests to Hawaii to NOT see you get married is not acceptable, IMO.

I would not be willing to fly to Hawaii to attend a wedding *reception.*

My FH and I are also planning on getting married in Hawaii, Maui to be exact. We are doing what @LB said. Having only our sisters with their families, our parents, and grandparents. Then coming back here to celebrate and have the reception with the rest of the family.

I'm with @Bookcase - if I am going to take time off work and spend money to fly to Hawaii, I would expect to be invited to both events.

Thanks to those of you who brought up some good points! I appreciate the feedback. I thought it might be helpful to include a little more detail since it might not be clear in the OP. My family is huge and they ALL live in Hawaii. MOST of my close friends live in Hawaii as well but there are just a few who are sprinkled all over the U.S. My FH's family is pretty small. We would be inviting around 160 from Hawaii, and about 40 total would be invited from WA and other states.

^and.... Doesn't change anything IMO

@MrsWrs of those 40 people, 15 are immediate family members and they would be invited to the private ceremony if we decided to go this route. The rest are cousins and friends.

Double

No, no, no cousins and friends. An intimate ceremony is immediate family only. 15-20 people. Otherwise, you are creating tiers, and that's terrible.