M
Beginner July 2022

Previously married.

Misselis, on April 9, 2021 at 5:55 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19
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Hi everyone,

I was wondering if there are woman here who's husband has been previously married.
I'm currently in an emotional rollercoaster (as some have might red in my other topic) but I feel that time will heal.
My FH doesn't have children from his previous marriage, so that makes everything very easy for me. We're both in our end 20's.
Anyway, because he did this process before, i'm thinking; he has to do this all again because of me (I know it's a stupid thought because sure he wants to celebrate love with me!)

I don't understand where my insecurties come from.. this wasn't an issue from the beginning of our relationship. It never has been an issue. But when I think about the planning process, these emotions come and go again. Just because of the thought that he did this all before..

How can I learn to accept it and just to go with the flow? I 'm wondering how my thoughts will be when that day comes..

19 Comments

Latest activity by Laura, on April 12, 2021 at 8:05 PM
  • Ava
    Super May 2022
    Ava ·
    • Flag
    In my opinion, I feel like you are looking at all this backwards, girl! If anything, you should feel even MORE secure! He obviously made the decision to marry very young, and obviously it did not work out well. But, he is choosing to marry YOU now that he is older and more mature. And even more than that.. he is choosing to marry you even after having a bad outcome the first time! This means he loves you so much, and has so much confidence in your relationship, that he’s excited to marry you, in spite of having experienced what happens when you choose the wrong person. He’s obviously very confident in your relationship. You should be too!
    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes sure i am really happy to be his real love, finally after everything he experienced.. but for some reason i got this “oh no, it’s round 2 for him” moment..
    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    Have you talked to him about this?
    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes sure, and he always tells me that he is sure of me otherwise he wouldn’t take the step. I do appreciate it, but im really surprised about myself that i’m also a bit “scared” that this will fail for some reason.. even tho i’m really sure about him
    • Reply
  • F
    Beginner June 2023
    Francesca ·
    • Flag
    Hey... I have a little input to share. So a little back story about me. My FH and I were both married before. While I have been divorced 4 years he is just finishing up his long divorce battle. He does have 3 children of his own with his first wife. So I feel you about this. I know even for myself I have moments of insecurities in regards to his first wife/marriage and it can be really really hard. That being said, their marriage didn’t work for them. You now have built a new/different relationship that has nothing to do with the first one. Be happy that he has chosen to do this again with you. I can only speak for myself and my FH, deciding to get married again is a HUGE and hard decision so the fact that he has chosen to do this again with you means so much more than the first time. For me this second time around feels sooooo much more than the first time. I can’t tell you why but it just does. I can almost guarantee you that it’s the same for your FH. I know it can be hard to speak to anyone let alone you FH about it but I am sure he will tell you the same that I am. He loves you and wants to be with you. Try to not worry about it. Sending you love and good thought. 💗
    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
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    Thank you Francesca,
    I understand you and im trying to realize it more
    I’m just a little bit afraid of myself because these thoughts came later during our relationship. I really don’t want to think about it. I just want to be like i was in the beginning
    Sometimes I say to myself: if this all didnt happen, I wouldn’t feel bad, but maybe I need to go through this to become a stronger person..?I can’t imagine life without him, so lets hope for the best
    • Reply
  • F
    Beginner June 2023
    Francesca ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    You’ve got this! I know it’s hard but like you said, you are becoming a stronger person and you are building a stronger relationship. Good luck
    • Reply
  • Clarissa
    Expert October 2021
    Clarissa ·
    • Flag
    Hi. My fiancé was married previously. He got married at 18 and he said he knew it was a mistake but still did it. It was a nightmare divorce. Anyway as we’re going through the wedding process I actually ask him about stuff he did at his previous wedding. He usually tells me he doesn’t want to think about his first wedding but somethings that he wants for the wedding he lets me know. I think you should embrace it. Ok he was married before but obviously it didn’t work out. If he wasn’t sure about his love for you I’m sure he wouldn’t go through the hassle again. Sit down talk to him about your feelings. Remember a wedding is a celebration a marriage is what matters.
    • Reply
  • Christy
    Dedicated April 2022
    Christy ·
    • Flag
    This may or may not be helpful, but I thought I’d share a different perspective.


    I was married before for 9 years & have two children. FH never married, no children. As someone who has been through all of it before, I sometimes struggle with the idea of “round two” 😬. What are people thinking? Are they skeptical because I’ve been divorced? Should I plan a less traditional wedding? Wear a less traditional dress? CAN I wear white? Register for gifts? The list has been long! 🙄🙄 I try not to entertain these thoughts for long, but they do pop up even though I’ve decided that I can make my own rules. Additionally, I am very thoughtful about what my FH wants too, since this is his 1st and that’s a big deal! I want him to have what he wants since I hope he doesn’t get the chance to do it again 😂 And my FH NEVER brings up the fact that I’ve done it before and I am so very grateful for that.
    But the point is, I WANT to do all of this again. This is a new beginning & a chance to take what I’ve learned from my previous marriage and get it right. I can’t say that your FH is thinking of it the same way, but (and I hope this doesn’t sound rude) maybe let him feel like this is the 1st time so that he can enjoy the process?
    • Reply
  • Natalie
    Expert November 2020
    Natalie ·
    • Flag
    Are your insecurities coming from the wedding and wedding planning or the thought of marriage? If it’s the planning of the event, have you personally found it to be fun or extremely stressful? The fact that he has done this before, knows all the work that goes into it, and still asked you to marry him shows it is something he wants to go through with you. He may have had to go through the wedding planning process before but this is his first time marrying you! Allow yourselves to enjoy the planning process!
    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Well I remember at the beginning of our relationship I asked a lot of questions like are you sure that it's done ,even though they were 3 years divorced. I asked him these questions because that girl tried to get contact with him by following him on social media. Also some of his relatives follow her, which gave me doubts. I thought they will check her and maybe one day he goes back.. So that was my issue in the first 6 months of our relationship.
    (Im not officially engaged by the way, we plan to engage end of the summer)
    Now the ' issue/weird thought ' is that i'm going to be the second wife, that thought makes me sad but I do still love him and see my future with him. I can't wait to be with him forever, only these thoughts have to go. Feels like i'm doubting or having a double feeling.. ;(

    • Reply
  • Katherine
    Devoted October 2021
    Katherine ·
    • Flag
    My FH was previously married and it ended in a nasty divorce. He has two children from his ex. He really tried to make it work but it just didn't. We are both equally excited for the wedding. I will say I do take up most of the planning since he did plan his whole first wedding himself. I'm trying to make our wedding experience completely different from his first. Maybe the stress of wedding planning is giving u those thoughts. Try giving yourselves no planning date nights and other times just enjoy the planning.
    • Reply
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Maybe you can live in the present and remember that you two are together now. He wouldn’t have proposed if he didn’t want to be married. So stop living in your FH’s past marriage. Both my FH and I have been married before and thoughts of comparing this wedding to our past weddings doesn’t cross my mind.
    • Reply
  • Christy
    Dedicated April 2022
    Christy ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this 100%! I did not put a lot of thought into my 1st “Yes” or the wedding that came after...and I probably didn’t put as much thought or effort into my 1st marriage as I could have because of it 😬 I try not to compare anything, but it’s difficult not to take note of the stark differences between my situation then and now. I also learned what I need and what I don’t need in a partnership (as well as many other lessons), which I unfortunately did not fully explore before my 1st marriage. All of this feels so new for me at least 🥰
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Super September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    Repeat after me: He has never done this with me before. He has never done this with me before. He has never... You get the idea. That needs to be your mantra. Yes, he's done a wedding before. But he's never planned or had a wedding with you before. You make all the difference. Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    That’s a good one Laura.. I need to say it often to myself. It is soo strange that these thoughts came later, like i never expected it.. and that hurts the most
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Super September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    That's usually how it works. And it's largely nerves. It passes and then you get to freak out over something else. Smiley smile Like table napkins. lol!!! It's going to be great!

    • Reply
  • M
    Beginner July 2022
    Misselis ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for your answers ladies.
    I also have the urge to stalk his ex on social media..like almost everyday since we know eachother. I'm just so curious what she's posting and stuff. Her profile is open and some relatives of him follow her, so that's why i have that pressure to check..but i know it won't change anything..
    How can i stop this ...

    • Reply
  • Laura
    Super September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    You have to have boundaries. You should also put yourself in her shoes. You wouldn't want to b be cyber stalked. Don't do it to another. This isn't a competition. Work on that mantra too. Smiley smile I hope this passes quickly for you!!
    • Reply

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