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CountryBride
Dedicated May 2019

Prenups

CountryBride, on April 16, 2019 at 4:22 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 25
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So my FH has a conversation with me last night about a prenup....he called it a "protection agreement" I was confused by what he called it but once he explained what he meant I said "you mean prenup" He said yes but didn't like calling it that. Well that is what it is!

Anyway I was a bit thrown off. I did not know we were doing that or either of us thought that. He told me he said that was one of his "conditions" to getting married he told me about when we first started dating.....9 years ago!!!! of course I don't remember that and honestly after being together for sooooo long without a proposal I thought we were NEVER going to get married.

So with all the stress I am under with planning the wedding and my dress alterations not going well I wasn't very thrilled about this conversation. I sort of took it as an insult to my character. I have never been a greedy vendictitive person. I would NEVER take anything from him that didn't belong to me such as his families house or his vehicles etc. I am also the negative thinker in the relationship. I over analysis and think of the worst case scenario and plan for that still hoping for the positive...I have had ALOT of disappointment in my life and I just like to be prepared in case something goes wrong (backup plan). So with him wanting this prenup (protection agreement) he is planning for the worst which so not like him...he is the extreme optimist, so for him to think about plans for a divorce before we even get married was completely out of left field.

I told him I would sign it and don't care. He wanted to get into details...like we own timeshares together...I would get those he said in the divorce. I just said whatever you feel is appropriate. I really did not want to discuss any of this. I was in a relationship where I lived with the guy and when we broke up I just left everything behind except my clothes. I didn't want anything that reminded me of the relationship. I don't mind signing it, it just feels insulting as to the kind of person I am and my character...that I would NEVER try to get someone for all they have. I have always said my bills are my bills. I don't expect him to pay off my stuff. I would also never take something that didn't belong to me. Things we accumulate together is different. I just feel mistrusted that he needs this "protection agreement". He had an ex (the one he dated before me) that took extreme advantage of him, stole from him, used his credit card etc. I AM NOT HER and would hope after 9 years together he would acknowledge that and know me.

Has anyone else got a prenup? Anyone else feel the way I do? Just with all the stress I am currently under I am having a hard time. I was kind of turned off by him last night. Sort of didn't even want to sleep in the same bed. I also didn't sleep much bc my mind wouldn't stop thinking. I know I am most likely overreacting but needed others opinion and/or experiences. Also have to note that we are not wealthy by any means. I work 2 jobs to pay my bills and he works a regular blue collar job. I know preups are more common with couples who have money or extreme assets. Its not like we have multiple homes.

Ugh I know I am being ridiculous. I am just so overwhelmed and really don't have anyone to talk to about my stresses. I talk to my FH but he just tells me not to worry or stress about this or that....easier said then done!!!!

25 Comments

Latest activity by K, on April 19, 2019 at 2:49 AM
  • Summerbride77
    VIP July 2019
    Summerbride77 ·
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    A prenup is just a plan of what happens if your marriage would end. Most people will create it, stick it in a drawer and never look at it again. While the idea of a prenup cam be off putting its also a good way to get you both and the same page and can be used to facilitate conversations about financial management.

    My FH and I will be getting one, we don't have a ton of assets but we have enough. I think the important thing with a prenup is not to approach it as you against each other but rather as you working together to create a worse case scenario document. It really does require complete honesty, transparency, and trust to create a good prenup. I honestly feel it's a good process for couples to go through prior to getting married.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    We have a prenup. We both met with separate lawyers and had one drawn up that made sense for the things in our lives. FH has a lot of assets from prior to us getting together, I have a child and some assets from my previous marriage, and we both know that no matter what people say when they’re getting ready to get married, it’s easy to change your tune when you’re filing for divorce because your emotions aren’t the same.

    From your past posts, you’re very close to your wedding date. I don’t even know if a prenup would be valid if you sign it this close to the wedding. I also think you need to see an attorney before you just sign whatever he’s had drafted up.
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  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
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    FH talked about one - but he's came to terms I'm not in it for what he owns/his money so we're not doing one. I've survived on my own without him before and I wouldn't need his things to support me if our marriage were to fail. I rarely see "every day people" (those without a lot to their name) get pre-nups. I don't think it's a deal breaker, but I'd read over it for sure and probably have someone in the legal field read over it as well before signing. I'd be annoyed of him mentioning it again so close to the wedding.

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    Thank yo for your response. I felt the same way as you. I survived just fine before him and would again if it came to that. I was also a little bit more independent than him when we first met. I lived in my own apartment paying all my own bills and at 1 time was unemployed and survived. He lived in a small studio house behind a friend for a discounted rate, his mom did his laundry and he didn't cook anything...small dorm fridge. He was def living the bachelor life with parents assistance.

    I think I was so upset bc it is so close to the wedding and I am so past my stress point with the wedding. Cant really take much more stress. Sad to say that I would rather work my 2 jobs than make anymore decisions for the wedding or plan anything else.

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  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    Don't look at this with a just-get-it-over-with-and-sign attitude, or you could get screwed over years or decades up the road if you need it. Take it seriously, and make sure your current and future interests are represented. The last thing you want to do is let him have all his interests protected, and none of yours. Maybe have a lawyer look it over.

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    Thank you for your response. I am trying to be level minded about this...its just hard with all the stress I am under. I also think I am just also upset that we are 30 days away and this comes up. It should be all happy stuff like planning our honeymoon and getting our marriage license....not preparing for a divorce if we don't work out. I will have to read it closely. I did say last night that I was just going to sign it but that was also my stress and hurt feelings talking.

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  • Mandy
    VIP May 2019
    Mandy ·
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    Are you planning on combining incomes/bank accounts? We did say verbally if we split up, the joint account would be split evenly, but we didn't sign anything. I'm not vindictive and I think he sees that. Even with a pre-nup you'll still acquire more through your marriage so it'd have to be updated to be exact as an "after-nup" (haha) or you'll still end up in court fighting over the sofa or something..

    I'd sit down and have a heart to heart. He shouldn't have waited so long because it's a lot to take on right now so close to the wedding. Attorneys will need to look at it, make sure it's written how you both want, etc which could take weeks - or even months. So, not really enough time before your May wedding.

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  • Alycia
    Super July 2021
    Alycia ·
    • Flag

    Prenups come in many shapes and sizes. In some states, they don't really even hold much weight in divorce court. (Example: Most courts won't honor a notation of "no alimony". Alimony is always decided by the court according to each partners ability to support themselves. The validity of the whole contract also depends upon how soon it was signed before the marriage. There needs to be a cooling off period.) Some prenups have expiration dates. (If you are married X years or longer the prenup contract is void.)

    Look at the details and find a way to make him feel respected, but you don't feel insulted. He might just be getting pressure from friends or family because of his past relationship. Make it simple. You both leave with what you came with, and equally split anything you purchased together. That's actually often how a regular divorce goes anyway. It's just written on paper.

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  • Lauren
    Dedicated June 2020
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    We already have our pre-nup drawn up and signed. Nobody wants to think their marriage won’t go the distance, but the reality is that people get divorced. And that document should be written in a way that protects both of you. If you’re going to sign it, spend the few hundred bucks to have a family law attorney look at it so you know what you’re signing. It’s an uncomfortable prospect, negotiating the end of your marriage while you’re planning your wedding, but a lot of couples do this.
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  • Kelly
    Champion October 2018
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    If you get one you will both need individual representation. I don’t know about other states but in California you can’t just sign one unless you have your own attorney. So I would call someone and discuss this and they can make sure it’s fair.
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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag

    In regards to drafting the prenup...he said he has already researched and found someone to write it up and he will pay for the service since he is the one who wants it.

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  • Sarah
    VIP September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    You still need to have your own attorney review it though.
    • Reply
  • Wendy
    Super August 2021
    Wendy ·
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    Oh HELL NO!!!!! There is no way I would sign a prenup or whatever he wants to call it!!! If he doesn’t trust me then why are we getting married... I’d understand if he came from a multimillionaire family and had so much, and even then I probably wouldn’t sign one.. my FH and I have been together for 11yrs (29 & 30). We started with nothing, now we have 3 houses, 2 cars, lots of savings, investments, and we make great money and I have a pension. If we got divorced he would get some of my pension after I retire (I don’t think he knows that lol). Anyways, after 11yrs (9th in your case) I would like to think that he knows I’m with him for him and not “his money”... you are not overreacting!!! If I was told that’s one of my conditions to marrying you, I’d be like “uhm, do you trust me?? Am I your ex(in your case), are you planning on leaving me?? Do you have other assets I don’t know about?? “ and so on... and then I’d say “I’m not signing anything!!!! If you can’t marry me w/o it then why are we together!!!” And I would dead serious mean that!! And if he calls it off then fine!! Probably saving me from a dam headache down the years... Good luck!
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  • KiwiDerbyBride
    VIP May 2015
    KiwiDerbyBride ·
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    You still need to get your own lawyer to look over it. If you don’t, it may not be legally binding anyway, but I would never sign something like that without a legal expert checking it over.
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  • L
    Beginner September 2019
    Lena ·
    • Flag
    I definitely dont blame you for being upset. You shouldn’t brush it off though, speak to your FH and tell him how you really feel about the whole thing. You listened to his argument and he should listen to yours. We've all said things we would want or need in the beginning of relationships but we grow and adapt.
    • Reply
  • Selena
    Super September 2019
    Selena ·
    • Flag
    I would be upset over the timing. And YES, you definitely need a different lawyer to look over it.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Dedicated September 2019
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    We have a prenup, like the other people have said, we both needed lawyers in order for it to be valid. I was totally on board because while I don’t want this to end and it might not be up to me if is does, I do not want 1/2 my anything to be divided. Also- a prenup doesn’t prevent you from buying something jointly during the marriage. It is a just in case policy. I am also reading more and more cases where the women and paying spousal support and alimony to the husbands and that wasn’t going to be me.

    • Reply
  • Kate
    Dedicated March 2021
    Kate ·
    • Flag
    You're not being ridiculous. I think I would be uncomfortable if my fiancee asked me for a prenup, but I am also the only one of the two of us that owns a property lol so I would be the one to lose out if we split.
    But my therapist thinks everyone should have a prenup. As much as everyone says they're not vindictive, divorce can really change someone and often ends with the couple fighting over everything.
    I think it is 100% up to you if you're okay with it.

    My biggest piece of advice is that if you do choose to sign it, you should 100% look over it and make sure you are actually okay with the terms. They're legally binding so make sure whatever the agreement is, that you're both splitting it equally.
    • Reply
  • T
    Super June 2019
    Tiffany ·
    • Flag
    That is an uncomfortable thing to be sprung on you with little notice. I would be hurt if I were you.
    however, as someone who has divorced I want a prenup. We have no assets, only debt. But he will eventually inherit his moms property.
    I wish I would have done one the first time and intend on one this time even though we have nothing to protect now. It’s wise to protect yourself. Don’t just sign it, get your own lawyer to look it over.
    Be honest with him that it hurt you to be caught off guard (after you calm down.) but realize it is a business contract. And a marriage is also a legal contract with legal ramifications that are primarily financial. Protecting yourself is smart.
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Dedicated November 2019
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    FH and I have made verbal agreements on how assets would be divided if we broke up. Personally I wouldn't do a prenup. Not because I feel bad about planning for a divorce (of course I don't see it happening but hey, it does, so we've discussed what would happen). But if FH could agree to spend the rest of his life with me but COULDN'T trust me to hold up our verbal agreements and not take him for all he's worth, I wouldn't feel comfortable marrying him.
    However, that is just me. Everyone is different and what matters is what works for each individual couple
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