Pre-wedding Jitters

I relate to this! There's only one person in my family to ever get a divorce, like ever. And that uncle got some serious pressure from my family to make it work for religious reasons. I have nightmares that I'll get a divorce and my family will hate me. Not because I have any reason to be afraid of it, but just because it's so engrained in me from my childhood that it's the wrong thing to do. I've coped with it by just talking about it with my partner and saying "hi, I'm struggling with some fears today, can we talk?" and I always get a ton of support in return. Just talking about it really helps me process that my fears are related to childhood "what ifs" and not grounded in reality.

My parents were married 30 years and divorced when I was 16. MIL was married before she met FIL.

It's made us both more determined to communicate clearly. We've gone to counseling before we were even engaged, and consider that a good place to go if we need a "tune-up" or more serious work.

The thing about divorce rates in the US, is that it's actually all based on bunk. Not all states keep records, they can't track how *long* people were married, and why they divorced. Current research seems to believe that older generations drove up the divorce rate for a number of reasons, a huge part of which was simply that it became legal and easy to do so in the 60s and 70s. (And, socially, leaving your husband who, y'know, couldn't keep his drink, suddenly wasn't shameful.) So.

You're not alone, but it's not a predictor of your relationship. Only you and your FH are predictors of your relationship.

Going on getting married for the second time, (previously divorced), I feel your “jitters” more so now. As having come out of a divorce I realize that anything can happen at any moment of our lives and yes things can change in relationships. Granted you’ve been together 8 years and you do know a lot about each other (and a hopefully a lot about yourselves) coming into this.

I feel more confident in myself, my life, my choices and my partner than I did 15 years ago. The thing is ultimately we don’t know and getting married, taking vows, etc. is taking a huge leap of faith!

I don't really have any advice, but I can definitely sympathize. My parents are divorced, and I'm divorced as well. I definitely worry at times that things will go wrong somehow. My first marriage went sideways almost immediately and that really had me internalizing blame for how it happened, even though I KNOW (in my brain) that my ex-husband was NOT a mentally health individual, even though he put on a good front until we got married (at which point his true colors emerged with a vengeance).

I just have to keep reminding myself that how things went down with my ex WAS NOT MY FAULT and that FH and I have a much healthier relationship in every possible way. We have lived together for over a year now and things are still wonderful. We are BOTH capable of practicing health communication and conflict resolution (both of which my ex lacked completely) and we have common goals and dreams.

I think that is all you can do. Keep reminding yourself of everything you two have going for you, and hold fast to your faith in yourself and each other.

This IS a very good point. I have to admit that going into my first marriage, I was convinced that I would never get divorced. I stayed in an emotionally abusive and destructive marriage FAR longer than I would have had I not been certain that I would not get divorced going into that marriage. And considering that we separated a little over 2 years after getting married, that should tell you how quickly that marriage went really bad.

The knowledge that divorce isn't the end of the world and that I will survive, and even thrive, afterwards is probably the best thing I came out of that divorce with. That, and the conviction that I would not marry again without living with my potential partner first. You can hide a lot of negative things about yourself when you're dating and just visiting each other's homes, but you can only hide those things completely for so long when you live together.