Pre-Wedding Jitters!??? (Long post)

Sorry, but if you're that close to getting married I don't really think it's normal to be scared. Nervous about the day being perfect, sure. But not scared of actually getting married. I think you really need to talk about the reasons you're scared and get everything out in the open before you actually get married. You shouldn't be nervous he'll leave you at any point. If I felt that way I'd be going to counseling right away and consider pushing the wedding up.

Just read the second part. Next time type it out somewhere else and copy and paste so it can all be together.

Yes, counseling is worth it

Mean to her .... I sat there thinking and I told him , if he feels he needs to do so then I understand because everyone needs that closure. I believe I am more in shock that he wants to even talk to her because our whole relationship he hasn't even really mentioned her , and if he has its been about how much he hated their relationship..... and this is personal but the other night while having sex he was talking about ways to spice it up..... so naturally as a woman I'm having thoughts like is something going on? Is he cheating? He tells me he isn't and that he just wants me happy which I am!! I am not against him talking to his ex and apologizing (if she even answers) but I'm sort of at a loss . I think more blown away at all the stuff coming out of nowhere . How would y'all feel or handle this!? I have suggested counseling before the wedding to get these little things underlined but he is sooo against it. Is counseling worth it? Thanks ladies!! Sorry long post!

We have talked about counseling and he is against it... we have friends who are a couple and have been together for 7 years and they went to pre marriage counseling and she has told me that it is worth it and that her and her man even learned things about one another and they have been together that long! Maybe I will have to drag him there and tell him we are going somewhere else , lol!

How does he explain being "against" counseling? What exactly does each of you mean when you say you are "scared" to get married? Are you nervous about the wedding itself or is one or the other of you having doubts about spending your lives together? Because nervousness about the day is normal, but the latter is a huge red flag.

Why would him mentioning spicing up sex make you automatically think of cheating?? That is not a natural woman response. I also think being scared is not a good sign. I am nervous about being in front of people saying vows. There is nothing scary about marrying my FH. I think you need to go to counseling.

I am just nervous about the day itself , I am planning everything and that's what has me nervous! I know in my heart and with everything I have that I want to marry this man , he is truly the love of my life and he tells me I am his . We're great together but as this wedding is getting closer it's almost like I am seeing a different side of him.. and he actually told me that last night , he said "I am starting to be mean to you like I did to her and you don't deserve that" ... I start crying and told him he isn't and that it's the wedding freaking him out .. he is a little insecure and I constantly reassure him. He will just tell me , "I don't need to talk to someone " and I have explained that talking to a stranger is sometimes best other than me ... he was for it a few months back and then all of a sudden is like no... and I've told him we can't go into a marriage if he is feeling a certain way... and that's heartbreaking to me because I know we're good together , we rarely fight and as the wedding approaches it's just him having doubts . :/

Echoing that just because he is making suggestions to spice things up in the bedroom does not mean he is cheating. You two need to attend couple's counseling for sure though if you are having fears about him up and leaving you. I would not want those thoughts crossing my mind about the person I am going to marry. It might be best to postpone the wedding.

I would be concerned for a few reason.

1. He is reflecting on how he treated his ex at this time.

2. He wants to apologize to his ex cause she didnt deserve

3. You don't know what really happen between him n the ex since he never really spoke of her.

At this point your FH could have grown and understand his immaturity and thinking of how he hurt her the way he did in one of the most important moments of someone life. In my opinion this should have been done by now. How long have you been together. By him acting on this now this could open him back up and confuse things more.. This just is something that should have been done before the proposal. Sorry you dealing with all this.

You really honestly need couples counseling, and possibly individuals counseling for the both of you. A lot of these things would easily be worked out there!

Couples counseling is worth it. It may be worth it for you to speak to someone yourself. You seem to be concerned or worried about

In my opinion, wanting to spice it up romantically is not directly related to someone being unhappy or even cheating. It is about wanting to grow closer and explore different levels of intimacy with someone that you trust.

@Heather F counseling only works if all parties are open to it. You can force him or lie to him about going but that wont make him participate and may make your situation worse. I do hope everything works out for the best. Just be open and honest with each other about your feelings.

I guess I assume "cheating" because we are already have a great sex life ... at least I thought and that just surprised me coming from him... he isn't even a very sexual person and told me in the beginning but we have a good sex life anyway. We have been together for a year and a half .. yes , not long but I don't think time justifies love and wanting to be with someone . I also agree that he should of taking care of all of his ex stuff before deciding to ask me to marry him.. he absolutely hates her and even his family has told me how bad they were together and he told me last night he doesn't miss her but just wants to apologize ... I'm like okay.... I mean I can't really say no. It's all just mind blowing to me , like why now? Type thing.

Again, spicing up your sex life doesn't have to be about it lacking. It actually should be about feeling comfortable and safe in your environment where you can explore and mature sexually. The negative connotation can really hinder your relationship.

He hates her? Yet wants to apologize. It sounds like your FH is conflicted about his past and needs to find that closure. I have an ex that I cannot stand and have no interest in reaching out to him for anything but, I also was able to get closure.

Not being open to counseling is a red flag for me. Marriage is a long term commitment and it won't always be rosy. I'd bring it up to him again and tell him why you think it's important.

I would say be transparent. If you dont want him to apologize then make sure he knows where you stand in all this. Even if he decide to proceed he still know how you feel. Its ok to have an disagreement at times. If they were so bad and he hates her, him proposing to her dont make sense. I gather he may hate her because of something she did and he may not have gotten past it. There is no way to stay hating someone for no reason. This is where you need to communicate with him and see whats really going on and why does it matter now. This should be time you and him should be reflecting on your life and enjoying each other.

This may be the social worker in me, but this screams deeper issues to me. I'd be curious of what the relationship between his parents was like.

My FH has an asshole for a dad who frequently knocked up his mom and then took off for years. For a long time, FH was scared that he would be just like his dad and hurt me like his dad hurt his mom. It wouldn't surprise me if your FH had something deep down like this.

So once again, echoing everyone else, counseling is probably a good idea.

I'll be honest, I have always been an anxious person (and my childhood wasn't exactly peachy) and being engaged definitely has made my fear flare up at times. I think the whole "you shouldn't have any fear at all about being married" is a bit unrealistic. It's a huge change. With huge change, there comes a lot of excitement, joy - and fear sometimes.

However as others have said, I agree you need to go to couples counseling. Maybe he could benefit from individual counseling as well, to address why he was flighty and mean previously.

My fears come from my shitty past and my anxious way of thinking that I am actively trying to work on. My fears don't come from FH. He is amazing. Things aren't always perfect but I've never questioned him leaving me or him not being an amazing partner. He's also agreed to go to pre-marital counseling, and whenever we might need it in the future.

Definitely go to counseling.

Although he said no to counseling, just ask him for 1 appt. That's how I got my FH to go w me. Its a safe place where you can say whatever! In my case, he really enjoy being able to communicate so we are going 1x month unless something happens and then we move our appt.

Counseling works!

Pre-marital counseling is sooo worth it. We just had our 2nd of 5 sessions and you learn a lot about marriage and each other.

My FH also ended an engagement a few years ago. It was very sad and difficult for him, and it was really hard for me to deal with the idea of her early on. I do think it's hurtful that your FH wants closure now. I think he is just scared about the wedding. I'd let him have that closure if you can. I used to be scared of FH running away too. I thought if he did it to her, he could do it to me. But now I have such trust in him and our relationship that I don't worry about it or her anymore. Every relationship is different. And let's be real. No one in the world knows that their fiancé or spouse isn't going to break up with them tomorrow. You just have to have faith in him.

Second, don't worry at all about him saying he wants to spice things up. If anything, that shows that he's NOT cheating. A cheating guy doesn't need to spice it up with you ... he's getting his variety from someone else. I'd think he wants to spice it up because he's worried your sex life will get boring after marriage.

It sounds like you guys would really benefit from counseling. FH and I just did 6 sessions and we both LOVED it. He also was against counseling originally so we went to a "premarital coach" instead. It was the same darn thing lol. But now he's very open to counseling in general.