Pre-marital Counseling

Some churches or officiants will offer or even require pre marital counseling, do you have any of those two yet? Maybe if they recommend it then it’ll urge him to

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We are not getting married in a church or by a pastor, so it is not required! I wish it was so he would have to go! Haha

I feel like if saying "I'm having second thoughts about getting married and I think going to counseling may help," isn't enough to get him there, that's a huge red flag. I would explain to him that you're going to see a counselor either way, but it would mean a lot to you if he attended. What does he have to lose? If he doesn't find it helpful, the worst thing that could happen is a couple hours of wasted time.

I do not feel it fair to put him in an awkward situation for him because you really want to do it. I do not think your logic behind it is wrong but if he seems to be against it for what could be valid reasons for him that may not be the best. Also, your comment about how you're having doubts about marrying him may be cold feet but are you prepared if through therapy you realize that you should not marry him? Therapy could bring that out which could be for better or worse. Just food for thought.

Is there a different situation like a couples retreat or something rather than a counseling session so you two could discuss these things? I feel there should be a more happy medium because you two are on two opposite spectrums and I know if I did not want to go to a counselor I would not talk and he does not have to participate in the sessions.

Didn't you also post about your fiance not wanting a wedding in general? I'd demand he go to counseling of some kind (alone or with you) before moving forward with anymore wedding planning.

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Ha yes that was me! I appreciate all the advice even on multiple threads! I agree with you. I am pausing wedding planning for now and finding out policy on if we did cancel/postpone so we can see what our options are and what we will face.

Therapy only works if you go into it with the right mindset and approach, and when someone is forced into it that doesn't always work out well. I say this from personal experience. I think if you telling him that you are having doubts about marrying him isn't enough to make him realize how important it is to you, there may be a bigger issue here. If you feel you would benefit from counselling I would suggest going with or without him, and offer the option for him to join you if he wants to. If he decides to go with you, great! If not, then you may still be able to gain some clarity on the situation on your own.

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Good! If you're having second thoughts/concerns, I think it is important to explore why you're feeling that way. If, after reflection, you're ready to move forward, AWESOME! But lost deposits are a relatively small price to pay compared to a divorce later. We have a relative whose marriage ended within 9 months of their EXTREMELY elaborate/expensive wedding. There were red flags that she ignored. It was traumatic for the bride (and, maybe for the groom, but given the way he handled calling it quits, hard to know for sure), and several years later, her parents are still paying off the wedding. I said it on your other post, if your gut is telling you to be cautious/concerned, listen and trust your instincts. You can always get married after you figure out what's causing you to feel unsure now and resolving those issues, there really isn't much harm in waiting.

As his fiance, partner and best friend you should recognize that therapy was a traumatic experience for him. You should sympathize with him and try not to force him to go. If he believes you all can work on your issues between the two of you (if there are issues) you should trust him. I don't think your comprehending where he is coming from. I wouldn't want to relive a traumatic experience and I would hope my spouse wouldn't try to put me through it UNTIL I came forth and was ready.

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This is a REALLY good point I did not think about, so thank you! I will try to talk to him more about it and see if he will open up to me.

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I will try again and if he doesn't want to go still, I will go by myself. I always feel like actions speak volumes, but when I'm left to talk about my feelings without him it is always seems more one sided ya know? Like idk if I can trust what I'm feeling/thinking. It's just scary!

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Yes, it might be scary, and if he chooses not to participate, it will be one-sided, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't trust yourself. Good luck to you!

This is one of those things where everyone has different non negotiables. For me therapy is very important and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would refuse to go to therapy if it’s something I needed. But not everyone feels that way! I would work with a therapist on your own right now to figure out what’s important to you and if your non negotiables and priorities line up with your significant others.

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I completely understand that. However even if you do end up going by yourself, even just talking to someone who is qualified and educated in this area who has an outside perspective may be able to at least help you to better understand how you're feeling about it. I know it's not the same as if he were to go with you, but you may get some ideas of things to try if there are any issues you need to tackle between the two of you privately if that's what he's more comfortable with.

My SO and I talked about couple’s counseling for several months before signing up. We always felt very connected and as if we could talk about anything without any issues. I’m very pro-therapy, and had amazing individual counseling sessions over the course of a year (several years back). My SO was not looking forward to it because honestly who likes to put themselves In a vulnerable position to talk about their feelings. It took probably four sessions before we warmed up to our counselor, and honestly she was amazing. We told her that our focus was not our past but our future together. Our main goal was to improve communication. After six months, there was honestly a visible change in the way we talked and argued (because you will still argue). We went to counseling smiling and left with equally huge smiles. On the last day of our counseling session in December 2019, we asked our counselor to be our officiant. We are looking to get married June 2021.


I can’t speak to your case, but I hope this helps in solidifying that couple’s counseling can be beneficial if you have a unifying goal.

I really encourage the prepare enrich counseling. My fiancé was against at first but once it was “his idea” and he literally suggested the place I picked originally, we signed up. We have had two of our six sessions and it has already helped a lot.
Would he be more interested if you were able to make it “his idea”? That always works with my fiancé.

As I said in your other thread, this is a massive red flag. Also, he's wrong.

Get yourself to a counselor, stat, and sit him down, look him in the eye, and tell him exactly why you are going, when, and that you need him to join you if he wants to keep the relationship healthy.

(Therapist here)

It's understandable that someone who had a poor experience in therapy previously would be apprehensive about attending again. His feelings are valid.

Your feelings are also valid.

I think suggesting a compromise would be beneficial. First, make sure you both choose the counselor so you both feel comfortable with the person. Second, instead of him making a large commitment to counseling suggest attending 2-3 sessions and then reevaluating both of your feelings about the situation. Small commitments are easier than large ones.

The hope is he will see the value in the sessions and want to continue with you.

If he refuses a compromise then I highly suggest attending counseling for yourself without him and explore this situation and your doubts about marriage with a therapist.

Good luck!

View Quoted Comment Just want to amplify what @Christina said here.


Good suggestion about asking him to try it for 2-3 sessions and then evaluate together. If nothing else, you seeing a therapist even alone could be very helpful in sorting out how and why you feel this about about the wedding and his attitude.