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Just Said Yes July 2020

Potential Bridesmaid Issues

Ari.Silver, on February 20, 2020 at 4:14 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

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This is my first time posting on here, but I figured I could use some guidance in a sort of awkward situation that I completely put myself in.

I have a friend, who for a while, I would've considered to be one of my best friends. But as of recent, like within the past few months, and strongly this past month, I've been starting to get really irritated/fed-up with her. Without bashing her, or going into total detail, I've started to have feelings that I don't want her to be a bridesmaid.

I have never full-out asked her to be a bridesmaid, but a few weeks ago, in the excitement of things, I sent her a few dresses and said "looking for dresses for you// for bridesmaids". She responded lightly just that she loved the dress, but didn't comment on the bridesmaids thing.

We've only really been friends for a few years now, and we no longer live in the same state. Which isn't really an issue as I am going to ask my best friend from childhood for over 11+ years to be a BM, and she lives out of state, but we've known each other since young girls and have remained very close over the years.

Anyway, my friend that I sorta implied would be a BM has been getting on my nerves because she is very self centered and I feel we spend 80% or more of the time talking about her. Which, I usually don't mind, but for my wedding, I want it to be about me. I also don't know if I see her getting along as well with the other bridesmaids. Our lives are very different and our priorities are also very different. It doesn't mean we can't be friends because I don't want to ruin our friendship or end it by any means... I just don't know if I want her in my wedding.

Advice?

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Francesca, on February 21, 2020 at 4:08 PM

Expert June 2020
Pattie · on February 20, 2020 at 4:20 PM
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Hmm.. well you kinda put your foot in your mouth CCing her on the email. Maybe a conversation would be good to have, but definitely uncomfortable. Have you had a formal conversation with your other bridesmaids to set their official role?

How many groomsmen? You could just pass it off since it has been so informal, that you want the wedding party numbers to be symmetrical on both sides for photos. Then you don't have to explain further.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on February 20, 2020 at 4:23 PM
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However formally or informally people are asked to participate in weddings doesn’t really make a difference. You technically made her a bridesmaid if you sent her dress pictures and told her you were looking for dresses for her/bridesmaids. I’d be very careful with this as telling her now that she’s not a bridesmaid or trying to ignore the situation could hurt her feelings and your friendship.
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Expert May 2021
Chantal · on February 20, 2020 at 4:33 PM
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Hmm... unfortunately, I have to agree with the PPs here. Sending her the dress pictures pretty much confirmed to her that she would be a bridesmaid. You could have a discussion about it, but as Sarah said, it would be hard not to get hurt feelings from an exchange like that. Depending on how many groomsmen your FH has, if you have to limit your bridal party, you could let her know that there just weren't enough spaces after all, but I don't love that idea.
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on February 20, 2020 at 4:33 PM
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You don't have to formally ask people to be bridesmaids if you send them dresses and say "I'm looking at dresses for you/the bridesmaids," it's definitely implied then. You can't un-ask someone to be in your bridal party without being prepared for the friendship to end, as that's typically a friendship-ending move. The main question would be, have you drifted so far apart that you're cool with losing the friendship? No one can answer that question but you.
Also, please don't do what PP suggested about kicking her out in favor of even numbers. First off, it's real rude to limit or expand your wedding party based on the people in your significant others'--you're just prioritizing aesthetics over real humans and real relationships--and second, telling her that would signify she's the bottom of the barrel as far as bridesmaids go... still a potentially friendship-ending move.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on February 20, 2020 at 4:38 PM
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Yikes the PPs are right . It sounds like you guys aren’t amazing friends but do you want that to change ? You have some time to change the dynamic of your relationship or to simply just say hey I think maybe it’s better if you attend as a guest
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Dedicated September 2020
Sylvie · on February 20, 2020 at 4:42 PM
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Same thing here read my post! My friend for over 30 plus years.. acting funny.. I’m 43 yrs old I know when someone is acting funny..she acted as if she was interested but not making any moves ...Soooo with causing any confusion I asked my other bridesmaid if she can do her task!!! And she did it! Then had the nerve to question me on it! I should’ve have to feel like I’m pulling teeth! I won’t kick u out... but after it’s all said and done I will definitely reevaluate our friendship!
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on February 20, 2020 at 11:53 PM
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I’d prepare for your friendship to be over if you un-ask her at this point. If it’s not worth losing her as a friend, I’d just let her be in the wedding. She didn’t do anything actively bad or rude so I’d say it’s not worth losing a friend over.
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Savvy September 2021
Francesca · on February 21, 2020 at 4:08 PM
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I had a similar situation... I mentioned it once in passing to a "friend" who is the girlfriend of FH's cousin.
This was before we were both engaged as we were discussing marriage and found out that we were both planning on getting married around the same time. She told me she was putting me in her wedding as a BM, of course this was all before we were officially engaged (which she did end up officially asking me but I still do not feel obligated to return the favor).
I have not really spoken to her since and luckily for me I never shared any info with her on the my wedding details and we have about a year and a half before our wedding. But I have changed my mind about her (as we are allowed to do). We have drifted apart plain and simple. At the end of the day, it's your day plain and simple do what makes you happy.
Don't feel bad, but I do suggest that you just be honest with her and let her know how you're feeling, just be gentle with it though. I would rather be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. While she may be upset, she may not even know that she is making you feel the way you do.
Hope it all works out.
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