Potential Best Man can't commit/Fiance wants a backup

I should add: I don't care if he asks the backup at all, honestly I do not mind uneven sides, it's more his preference. The backup is married to a bridesmaid and has been aware of everything that is going on and I just don't want him to feel bad about being a second choice. On the other hand, my fiance really wants his best friend to be his best man and I know he has a tough situation and I really feel for him. We're trying to be as helpful as possible to get him here, but I'm not sure if he really wants to come (he's never visited/made time for us to visit when we're nearby during our 4 year relationship and I've never met him and he has been avoiding my fiance's calls about anything wedding related).

Apparently your FH really wants him there. Just give him some time to figure everything out on his own. If he still can't commit just have an uneven wedding party. Unless they are walking in together it doesn't have to be really even.

I have no kids so I'm unhelpful, but from I always thought the farther in advance the better when it came to figuring out child care.

If you feel funny about asking a backup I wouldn't. We're going to have uneven sided due to a bridesmaid realizing she couldn't afford to be in our wedding. I totally didn't ask for a back up because of this same reason.

Your FH should understand that his best friend as parental responsibilities and should have asked him to be a guest in the first place to take away any added stress to being a single father.

its still early, give him some time.

He can still be the "best man" even if he can't attend the wedding. You could honor him in the program or mention him at the reception. I just think your bridal party should be your nearest and dearest, no matter what. No one should be a backup.

Are you having programs? If not it doesn't really matter. Personally, I would not ask the other guy. If the best friend comes through then he comes through, if not the sides will be uneven and your FH will have to get over it. At the end of the day if FH decided to be rude and ask the back up at the last minute then just know its not a reflection of you, you already told him its rude, that's all you can do.

My fiancee's best man can be a flake. We have a back up just in case he screws up, which I hope he doesn't. But I can understand his side having kids can be a little hard when it comes to traveling to a wedding. I would suggest your fiancee suggest that he asks the child's mother and grandparents if they can stay with them those dates or bring along a baby sitter. There is never a "too far in advance" notice when it comes to children.

Thanks ladies! Like I said, I'm against a backup, I'm totally cool with uneven sides, but my fiance is convinced it is fine. I will definitely show him this thread and show that most people think it is rude to have one!!

I completely sympathize with this guy. I have no children so I cannot put myself in his shoes, I'm sure its tougher than anything I've ever experienced. I hope no one reading this thinks I'm faulting him. I would never ever expect him to put our wedding over his daughter! I just wanted to hear some opinions on this matter!

Thanks!

Fall Bride: I like that idea!

And of course, a rando comes in with bad advice. What could he do to "screw up" Brittney? Please don't have a backup; it sounds like you and your FH already realize that it's pretty rude.

Back up is rude if anything FH could of had two BM from the start and then the back up situation wouldn't have been the issue because there would be no back up.As I'm sure this back up knows he is a back up already I think it's rude to now ask for him to be a BM. Just have un even sides explain to FH how this is rude to both men. I think OGJaci gave you the best advice.

I think this is weird.

If the 'back up' is good enough friends with your FH to be the 'just-in-case best man', why isn't he involved already as a GM?

Leona, actually a question I just came back to ask...

Give the guy some more time to figure out his situation. Do not ask a "back up" at all - that is so rude. Your FH needs to get over the uneven sides - nobody cares and it is a non-issue.

@FFW we want to have programs (and we need meal choices too so we'll need an answer of some kind eventually, though certainly not yet!), but it would not ruin our wedding if we did not have them so we are delaying them for awhile right now.

FH knew something like this would happen with his best friend so he went with his backup who is more reliable. When FH asked best friend to be a GM, he said "Umm I have to see what my gf wants us to do that weekend" so he knew he made the best choice. Obviously, having a child is a much different situation, but FH is happy he went with his gut and asked the other guy.

ETA clarity- best friend very immature all around, new BM not so much so there wasn't really a "backup", just a better choice even though FH was disappointed best friend wouldn't be BM.

Most of you are giving me great advice (and solidifying my original hunch) so thank you!

The backup would not be the best man, the best man duties would shift onto a current groomsman (the grooms younger brother) and the back up would be a groomsman (not that it changes anything at all about etiquette I just wanted to clarify!)

I wish some of the guys on here would weigh in. I have 4 brothers and I don't think any of them would mind being a back-up.