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Devoted August 2020

Postponed and hurt

Lauren, on April 5, 2020 at 3:12 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21
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Let me preface this: 1. I know no one is as excited for my wedding than me and FH. 2. I know all bridesmaids are supposed to do is show up for the day. 3. I don't bug my bridesmaids ever with wedding stuff, only occassionally offer if I'm having a project day and let them know they are welcome if interested.



One of my good friends since high school (about 11 years now) is one of my bridesmaids. When I went dress shopping she came to one appointment and posted about "bridesmaid duties", IMO just for attention. During one conversation we had as a group she was more concerned that her hair and makeup be on point on my wedding day than anything else. Whenever I hang out with her alone or with another of my bridesmaids, she never does the general "hows planning going?" And if I bring it up she barely listens and changes the topic quickly. So I stopped after a bit, she clearly wasn't interested and I'm not one to push. Even with my friends that do ask I speak briefly and move on so I'm not being a bridezilla who talks to much about the wedding all the time. She barely responded to my MOH about the bachelorette party- she could have passed if she didn't want to do anything. A few weeks ago I asked in the group message of their opinion on options for postponing. She left it on read. Fast forward to a couple days ago I sent the bridesmaid group a message letting them know I postponed and the plan and she left it on read. I didn't expect a pity party for me, but at least acknowledgment that they are still excited and maybe to say "sorry girl that sucks". Most did. At least if I were a bridesmaid that's how I would respond to a good friend in this situation. But geeze. She has always been kind of self centered, but we all can be sometimes so I've chalked it up to that. And shes got stuff going on like we all do so we've always been the friends that get together after a while to catch up like nothing has changed but we've been busy. But damn am I hurt she just really doesn't seem to care even a little or want to be supportive. Idk I just needed to get that out. It's not worth saying anything to her.

21 Comments

Latest activity by Lauren, on April 7, 2020 at 11:17 PM
  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I think what you're saying is valid because it's not like it's hard for someone to be like "aw i'm sorry, hope you're ok" and it sounds like overall she is not as supportive as you'd hoped she'd be.

    but like you said, not everyone is as focused on our weddings as we would like them to be. but it kind of sounds like this is reevaluating your friendship with her?

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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    Exactly yes I think I am. For me at least good/great friends can have their own stuff going on and still be supportive at times. I would be for my friends if I was going through something when they were, regardless of the situation, wedding or having a tough time at work/home. Though I'm not sure if that's why she isn't supportive or not. This isn't a friendship ender, but I'm realizing we're not as good of friends as I thought. 😕
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  • B
    Savvy December 2020
    Bianca ·
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    Maybe it’s a global pandemic and the worst economy since the Depression? Maybe she has other things on her mind?


    I’m sorry this happened and I know it’s tempting to find someone to be mad at, but I don’t think she’s the right candidate.
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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    Have you ever thought of talking to her about it? i remember when i was planning my wedding and i felt that way with my bridesmaids, i told them. and they were explaining that they had a lot going on in their lives but after the talk they showed far more interest and support. so it could just be maybe she's not super aware of herself doing that?

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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    I didnt say I was mad at her. I'm not angry texting her or anything and I did say that it waant worth bringing up. What I did say was that I'm hurt that throughout this whole process she hasnt been supportive and it's been 2 years. So thank you for your input but I think your input is not on point.
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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    We have very different perspectives of this, and that's ok. For you to believe that no one is allowed to be hurt during this time of the world is odd. Also yes this last unsupportive act did happen during this time. But if I postponed for financial reasons a year ago without a pandemic I bet you would have a very different opinion of my feelings. Me not wanting to bring it up because it's not worth it is because of all that is going on and this being a minuscule thing in comparison, so why stress her or myself out more than we are now by having this conversation. I'm allowed to have my feelings, vent in a community place for wedding feelings like all others, if that helps me to move forward. But we can agree to disagree. Thanks.
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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    Thank you Melle, I have thought about bringing it up. Since the wedding was almost here I just decided to let it go and enjoy the day. Now that its postponed the feelings are still here but I don't want to bring it up to her with all thats going on in the world because I know this isn't the most important thing at all. Maybe when all this gets better, if I'm still feeling this way I will though. I appreciate your thoughts💕
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  • B
    Savvy December 2020
    Bianca ·
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    In no way did I say that “no one is allowed to be hurt during this time of the world.” Many people are, including you! Including me! That’s ok! You can feel upset about all this without making it about this bridesmaid. You yourself said that you know all bridesmaids are supposed to do is show up for the day. If that’s true, let it go!


    If you postponed for financial reasons a year ago and came on here complaining about your bridesmaid not responding to your group text message, I would still think you were distracting yourself from what’s really upsetting you.
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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    Yes you are right we are all hurting about many things. I hope all of yours work out well for you. I'm not making it all about the bridesmaid. This post is about that hurt. But if you knew me, which you don't, you would see how I have been upset, frustrated, sad, stressed about a lot of things wedding and non wedding related during all of this, as all are. Just because I chose to post about one in particular and not every single thing, doesnt make that one feeling any less valid. And I'm not sure why I should feel bad about needing to vent about one of my feelings without listing out them all so I don't seem like I'm only harping on one thing...
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  • B
    Savvy December 2020
    Bianca ·
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    Fair, and I don’t know you. I just don’t want to see you lose this important friendship in a period when we all need all the support we can get. It’s a mistake I’ve made before so I can spot it all too well in other people!!!!


    I don’t think you should feel bad for venting, I just worry that you could be cutting yourself off from someone important to you when it isn’t worth it. I support you.
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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    I do appreciate your concern, so thank you. I'm not planning on cutting her off, our friendship is still important to me. I'm just lowering my expectations of what our friendship is, which is sad to me, but will help avoid the hurt if I only expect what she is offering. I've still got great friendships and support. I hope you do as well and that you all stay close during this difficult time in the world.
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  • N
    VIP September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    I think you are right to be upset and vent to us here. It depends on your relationship whether you want to let it ride or talk to her about it and clear the air. Sometimes I worry clearing the air causes more drama unnecessarily. It's likely that she's busy or consumed with whatever but I'm sure not having that support is hurtful. Just focus on your other relationships/friendship especially with your future spouse!

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  • M
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
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    I completely understand! I have one bridesmaid that has not been emotionally involved at all. She is my highschool friend and we dont talk every day but we always pick up right where we left off. Shes kind of let me down a few times. She almost didnt make it to bridesmaids dress shopping. I told her the date a month in advance and 2 weeks later she said hey were we supposed to do something on ___ this date. Like um yes!! Then she didnt come to the bridal shower which I cant really be upset about it because her kids were sick. And then she didnt order her dress in time and didnt tell me about it until 1mo before the wedding. We went dress shoppin in October and she didnt order her dress until Almost January and she didnt tell me until March for my April wedding that her dress wouldnt arrive until July! like why didnt you tell me if you couldnt afford it I would have bought the dress for you.


    She has never asked me hows it going or if I need help with anything or asked any questions throughout the wedding planning process. Her birthday was the same day as our would be wedding day that was this past saturday. I told her happy birthday and she didnt say anything about the wedding or asking me if we have a new date or a hey we would have been partying at your wedding today butttt. Im also experiencing an issue w my family not acknowledging me. I texted them the new date for the wedding and they said nothing, I only got a response from 1 person. Its really annoying. Sorry u are going through it too. People just arent as considerate as we are.

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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    Ugh so sorry you have to experience this too! It would feel nice to be acknowledged and our support reciprocated when we need it!
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  • M
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
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    Yes and u seem like a chill person like me. I never expect anyone to put us as a priority I know we all have our own lives but to be acknowledged is so simple and easy to do. Not like we are asking them to go above and beyond for us. Just a few kind words is all.
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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    You too, it's like you read my mind! I hope you have some people who do that in your life, because you deserve it!
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  • M
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
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    I did get a nice message from my MOH and 1 other which I really truly appreciated.
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  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
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    Two years? That's part of the issue right there. No one needs to be caught up in a wedding for two years except you and FH, and not even very much for most of that time.

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  • L
    Devoted August 2020
    Lauren ·
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    Even if I didnt ask her to be a bridesmaid until closer, I would have hoped that my close friends would be interested in my life.on occasion and supportive of things that happen that upset me. I don't see why good friends shouldn't be like that regardless. 🤷‍♀️
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I read about messaging and posting, but nothing about something as simple as a phone call. Low tech: if you talk to people, many will tell you how they feel, how sorry they are, direct back and forth conversations. A lot of people don't do emotional things by text. Or do them badly. No video conferences, no conference calls, no group messages. Just talk, one on one. Get back to why you are friends to begin with. A lot of what you describe is people talking at each other. And it is very unsatisfying. Try really talking with each other. You will likely get more comfortable from a few conversations than 2 dozen texts. And with far fewer misinterpretations. Social media often pushes people further apart. Really talking directly is more likely to bring g you together. Try. It is awful to feel like you are dangling with no support, and everyone just out of reach. There is a reason why postponements are recommend to be done by phone calls. To connect and exchange feelings for one another, offer help, or just commiserate. So you get support and feedback. You dropped a message by text, and people have no idea how hurt you are. Pick up the phone, and open up a little.
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