Post Elopement etiquette

I would send a card to let everyone know you chose to elope. I think that is usually done after the fact, so I would also give a call to some of the family members to let them know ahead of time so it's not a total surprise. I'm sure they'd be happy to celebrate at the reunion with you and will understand it's super costly to do much else.

View Quoted Comment That’s def the plan. It’s just- is it wrong to elope where they live and not tell them when we are are in town?

View Quoted Comment That's a tough one. Elopements only allow a certain amount of people, so it's not like you can invite them all. How do you feel they would react? Again, I think they'd understand your situation. They might want to encourage you guys to at least swing by for a visit afterwords, but I'm sure if you sit down and explain why you're going to NYC and your plans, they'll still be okay with celebrating later. They might feel a bit upset at first, but people usually come around.

I get what you're saying. I would probably be hurt if someone I was close to eloped in my area and didn't tell me... but inviting people to the ceremony defeats the point of an elopement and then brings on other obligations.

Can I ask why you're choosing there, if you don't want guests?

View Quoted Comment It’s a place that is meaningful for my FH as his dad passed 4 months ago and is from Brooklyn.

Plus the the cost of eloping locally vs going there is just a difference if a cheap plane ticket and one extra night in a hotel, so we thought why not get a trip and do it in a place that my FH would feel like his dad was there...

View Quoted Comment Yea that’s what I’m not sure of- do we tell them we are coming to elope? We have kept us a secret from the extended families.

The awful part about all this is it seems that no matter what we do someone feels unhappy or offended. It’s been a nightmare. Once we figured out what we want, someone is upset. And if everyone else is happy, we didn’t feel good about the plan. His mom and bro (and bro’s wife and kids) are invited to the elopement but are pissed bc they don’t feel like an elopement is deserving of a trip away, which is offensive to us bc they’re belittling what this is. So we have half a mind to just go with my FH’s son (3.5 years), but my FH is figuring out whether he would regret that and if we could find help with his son so we could have the night alone.

So I had the thought that if we ask about meeting up, we make it sound like we are just visiting for the weekend, and tell them at brunch. But paying for all them defeats the purpose of elopement.

View Quoted Comment Then this is where you'll have to suck it up. Go elope, send a card out, wait for people to get over themselves, and move on. This is your wedding and you should do it how you want. The extended family really don't get any say to your plans and they'll just have to come to terms with it when they get their card.

As for the brother, that's a really awful way of viewing it. Eloping is still a wedding and very important. That may have to be FH's battle though, so let him talk to his brother and see what happens. Hopefully he will at least show up to the party.

View Quoted Comment I LOVE everything about how you wrote this.

Thats exactly how how we feel, although it’s easier said than done. We went to dinner with his mom and they’re blaming me for the elopement idea and saying I’m tearing the family apart. It’s been really tough. But my FH is handling it, and has stood up for what we both want fiercely. His mom at first was ok but as soon as the bro was upset, she took his side. We offered to change the date or help pay for them (which they don’t need it as we are the poorest hence elopement) to help since we decided 5 weeks out. But they say they’re ok driving somewhere but bc it’s small and informal it doesn’t deserve the hassle of a flight. I’d rather them not be there if they’re going to be resentful of me and the marriage.

View Quoted Comment I'm so sorry you have to deal with that attitude. I have to agree with your idea of just eloping without them. It'll suck at first and there may be some drama, but every wedding has its hardships. You can always plan a vow renewal when you have the money to throw a bigger party.

View Quoted Comment I’m not sure i have any interest in that. I’ve never been a big wedding girl and we will have a BBQ or something when we get back.

Im going to leave it up to FH as to whether they’re coming, but I said I don’t want them there if there hasn’t been an olive branch extended and if they can’t be supportive.

View Quoted Comment I am def ok with that. But after losing his dad so suddenly so recently, i want FH to make that call. Even my BFF says that her life is too stressful to commit to this and she was supposed to be the officiant. When did a wedding’s size dictate support and priotization?

View Quoted Comment The hard part for us was bc we realized we were only asking 5 weeks out, we offered to help pay or to change the date. But the point blank said that they’d drive somewhere, but a “small wedding and lunch isn’t worth the hassle of a plane” and blaming me for driving a wedge in the family bc by asking this bc it then precludes his wife and kids from coming. But they can drive. And we offered to change the date, and they’re rich as hell and we offered to pay.
they just don’t value what it is bc it’s not formal, and it sucks to know what the right thing is

I say go elope and just send them the card in the mail like everyone else. I’m “eloping” right in my own city and not inviting anyone and then heading out of town and jumping on an airplane the next day for honeymoon time to ourselves. That’s the whole purpose of it right? If people don’t understand, then so be it. I totally understand you feeling bad about not meeting them for lunch or whatever, I get anxiety about possibly upsetting people, but think of it this way - you just got married! Enjoy that special time just the two of you because that’s what it’s all about! I can’t imsgine anyone wanting to deny newlyweds their alone time.