Nakesha
Dedicated February 2021

Poor form?

Nakesha, on January 16, 2020 at 3:58 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 22
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My sister and I had a pretty large falling out recently, again and now I'm wondering if it's poor etiquette to invite her adult children without inviting her. The falling out was substantial enough that beforehand I had planned to ask her to be a bridesmaid and now I'm 99.9999999999999% sure that I don't want her at my wedding.

22 Comments

  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I wouldn't say it is poor etiquette because it's not like you are inviting her spouse and not her although that could definitely cause some drama because I don't see how they're going to go to the wedding and not mention it to her. Let's see what the say
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  • Chloe
    Devoted October 2020
    Chloe ·
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    Your wedding is sometime from now, is there anyway that you two could possibly reconcile before then? I get so sad when family fights especially siblings. Maybe take a moment and give each other some space? But if not then I don’t see it as poor etiquette to invite her children but just be ready for them to possible decline the invitation
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    They're adults, your relationship with them should be separate from your relationship with their mother. I would find it rude to exclude them because of their mother's actions.

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  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
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    Oh wow. That’s intense. I am so sorry - something similar happened with us. I had wanted my FH’s sister to be a bridesmaid before I met her. Once I met her and all the times after that, we decided she will not be invited because of her behavior towards me and us. I think it depends on their behavior towards you now - will they attend? Or will they take their mom’s side? I would think it’s okay to invite them as long as they know that doesn’t extend to their mom.
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  • Chrysta
    Super November 2020
    Chrysta Online ·
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    Caytyln brings up an interesting point. It really wouldn’t be fair to punish the children for their mothers actions.
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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    Your wedding a ways away. Give it time. You could invite the adult kids but....be prepared for them to stand with their mom and not attend.

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  • Katie
    Devoted March 2019
    Katie ·
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    I was in a VERY similar situation with my sister, whom I had already asked to be my MOH. We had a falling out Nov/Dec, and saw each other briefly (and awkwardly) over Christmas with our parents, and then really didn't speak again in the following months. Fast forward to Feb. and I sent out invitations, but did not put hers in the mail. She called me absolutely furious and upset because she was hearing everyone else was getting their invitations and she hadn't. My conversation toward her was that "this is a very important day for husband and I. We only want guests who are family and friends who love and support our marriage. You and I are not even on speaking terms, so I have an invitation for you but did not mail it". It was a very emotional conversation and very eye opening. I ultimately ended up sending her the invitation, and she attended the wedding and seemed like she had a great time. I loved everything about our wedding day, and while her and I had a couple brief/nice interactions, it really wasn't a noticeable part of the wedding (I wasn't distracted all day like "I can't believe sister is here, wore that, is talking to X, etc. etc. and in the craziness of the whole day didn't even see her that much).

    I think if you're interested in repairing the relationship with your sister, focus on that rather than how it will affect your wedding. You still have plenty of time to decide if you want her to attend the wedding or be a part of the wedding party. I personally think that as long as she will still act appropriately and cordial at the wedding, you should still send her an invitation, and if she chooses to RSVP Yes or No is totally up to her. (If not, then just invite the nieces and nephews, but be prepared to have a conversation with her if she's feeling some kind of way when she finds out) Good luck!!!

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  • Sherry
    Rockstar September 2019
    Sherry ·
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    If they were children, yes but they are adults and can make their own decision to come or not. Your relationship with her shouldn't change yours with them.

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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    I hate to say it, but the level of falling out that we had and the sheer magnitude of our wedding plus the fact that we intend on the rest of my family to be there, there is no way that it's not going to get back to her. Do I feel uncomfortable or upset about potentially hurting her feelings, no. Even within the context of "you only get one wedding" I'd rather not have her saying or doing something regrettable that day than to have her there. At the same time, I don't want to be outright rude.
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  • Danielle
    Expert May 2020
    Danielle ·
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    My sister and I fall out every single year and it's always a big deal. We just fell out last month and I marry in May. My sister called and apologized saying "I know you got a lot going on right now , I'm sorry." I'm 8 yrs younger so she has never apologized to me for anything. I appreciated it and accepted. Give your sister the invite unless you will absolutely not regret inviting her even if it's yrs from now.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    Not in my eyes is there time for reconciliation. I don't like fights either and that's exactly why I don't want her there. I don't want her to be "that person " at the wedding who messes things up for everyone or us.
    I'm 100% prepared for that to happen. I don't ever expect everyone to say yes. I'm pretty realisic in my expectations.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    That's exactly how I feel, especially since they weren't even privy to the falling out nor the situation that caused it.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    Their behavior towards me hasn't changed. As to if they'll attend, I think they would. I also think my sister would be spiteful enough to plan something "important" close to the city we live in to try to convince them not to come. 🤷🏾‍♀️
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    I certainly don't WANT to. It was her choices not theirs.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    I'm prepared.
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  • Chloe
    Devoted October 2020
    Chloe ·
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    I definitely understand! You have to ultimately do whats right for you and your special day!
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    My sister and I had a major falling out, not something a simple "talking to about it" could ever hope to fix. I used the word sister ONLY because that's who she is genetically. I am 100% sure of my decision to NOT invite her. I do not think she would act appropriately during our wedding. That's exactly why I'm not inviting her.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    I think the same way. I just don't want to be rude about it.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    35 years from now, I'm certain that I would regret inviting her. If our falling out was simply with words, I think I would feel differently but it wasn't. Nor is this the first time that one of our disagreements went beyond words. I am putting a final stop to it before it gets worse. An apology at this point is just empty words and I won't hear it. My sister is a non-negotiable factor in all of this. She will NOT be there.
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  • Nakesha
    Dedicated February 2021
    Nakesha Online ·
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    I feel like when she crossed the boundary that we set in place as kids and did what she did, and at a family function no less, she proved that she can't be trusted to act like a decent human being towards me. It's the rather painful truth. Her kids however have no such problems. I don't expect for them to "agree" with either side. I also know that they hate missing out. Especially when family is involved.
    Good news is with all the military people and vets in attendance, everyone's a little more likely to behave appropriately. Lol. My fiance is active duty, a lot of his friends are, my dad is former Army, my grandpas are both former military men, plus several of the men on his side and some of my friends.
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