Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

D
Dedicated September 2023

Plus ones vs significant others?

Dreia, on November 15, 2022 at 3:21 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 19
Hello! I’d like some positive and honest find back about your guest list! Me and FH are still in the early stages of planning but want to nail the guest list as soon as possible! Now I know there’s a lot of etiquette around making the guest list- however I’m not really sold on the old custom of inviting any and everyone. We have both venue spaces (ceremony and reception with a capacity of 120) however we have an estimated list of 100 ( with everyone getting a plus one) and 65 at max with only certain people getting a plus one. Did you give everyone you knew a plus one? What if you’d never met that person’s partner? What if you haven’t heard oh so positive things about that partner? What if I don’t like that partner? Did you truly want a bunch of “random” people in your photos/videos? I understand that weddings seem to have their own set of rules. However, how do I make this fair? Especially since my uncle (whom only had a send the date) declined the offer because I didn’t extend it to his girlfriend yet( which could have changed) but at this moment only married couples are coming with “plus ones” ( their spouse). Thanks in advance 💖

19 Comments

Latest activity by Helen, on November 23, 2022 at 9:20 AM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    A plus one is for truly single guests, and they are optional. If someone is in a committed relationship, whether dating, engaged, or married, they should be invited with that partner by name. It is rude to ask someone to celebrate your relationship when simultaneously saying you do not recognize theirs as important.
    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Hello! I didn’t look at it in that light. I’m more so looking at cost, budget, photos and some of these people are absolutely strangers- like I don’t even know my uncle’s girlfriend name. But I understand where you’re coming from. Thank you 😊
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Super August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Whoo, Dreia, this has certainly gotten bigger than your initial microwedding idea. The old days of open weddings and family reunion/ weddings are long gone with Covid and inflation! If only you and your partner are paying, you get final say. Best to be intentional with whom you invite. That said, I would reconfigure the guest list and put whole couples together, even if you don't know them. Not everyone chooses to get married, nor should be penalized for this. I would keep circles together, but cut out whole couples and groups if it's a cost issue.

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes! It’s certainly getting out of hand from my original idea and plan! Thank you for the advice! Wish me luck!
    • Reply
  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Hannah hit the nail on the head. If you do not invite someone's *partner* (even if you haven't met them - the only exceptions are for racism/homophobia/abuse) then you are being rude, because you want them to celebrate your relationship while you disregard theirs.

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Again I’m not looking at it in that light. Every person on the solid guest list is an actual blood relative. Which doesn’t even include some cousins, some aunts and uncles- mainly people who had an impact on lives are on the list. So I really wanted something personal and intimate! Honestly I see eloping might be the best option. I just don’t agree with certain standards of weddings. I see events happen all the time and people not be invited as a couple- what is different about weddings?
    • Reply
  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Not sure what other events you are referring to but with weddings you are literally celebrating your relationship and by choosing not to invite significant others you are then dismissing their relationships. Why would someone want to celebrate yours if you can't acknowledge theirs.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Super August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh trust me, those not invited to those events are definitely offended. My mother still holds vendetta for when one gala wrote her name as Guest. How about drawing the line at second cousins?

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Graduation parties, birthday parties, funerals, thanksgiving dinners, Christmas events, holiday parties. Thank you for the insight however.
    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh wow! I’m truly trying to get a line. My dad has even invited people on his own by word of mouth. I didn’t know it was so much drama around guest list.
    • Reply
  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    The real difference is that these events are not specifically to celebrate a relationship - which is the whole point of a wedding. Also, Michelle's right - people still get hurt/offended by not being invited *as a couple* to these events. If you only want blood relatives on the list, then you need to stick to immediate family only. (Assuming you don't have step-family; in-laws; etc.)

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Ok thank you! No I’m the oldest of 12, I’m only 24. No steps or in laws. I’ll take it all into consideration. What do I do about my FH? He’s an only child and wants all of his family there however? Cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. This is another tricky part but I understand what you’re saying about weddings. Thank you
    • Reply
  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Maybe it's just your family and friends, but even those things significant others have always been invited to in our circles. I can't imagine not being invited to Christmas or Thanksgiving without my husband even when we were just dating. The only time I have ever really seen significant others not invited is if it's a work event and no one's significant others are invited.
    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Maybe- my FH family hasn’t met my family and neither parties seems interested to meet. There’s also always been family drama and family events have gone on with others. All families aren’t perfect unfortunately.
    • Reply
  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    You need to work this out with him - it's his wedding too. The two of you need to sit down, discuss, and compromise (however, the compromise is never to cut out partners).

    You mentioned in an earlier response that your dad is inviting people by word of mouth. You need to let him (and anyone else who might so do) know that you and FH will be making the guest list, this is not a reunion of all and sundry, and that anyone who does not receive an invitation will not be invited (will not have a seat, will not be fed). This is stickier if your parents are giving you money - if they are, you may have to have randoms, or you may have to finance everything yourselves.

    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated September 2023
    Dreia ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Ok thank you! We will definitely sit and talk. Me and partner are fitting the bill. Originally are parents wanted to fit the bill but were way to controlling about all the aspects. I definitely agree with the invitation thing! No invite, no seat.
    • Reply
  • Paige
    Rockstar October 2022
    Paige ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    We invited all couples together regardless of whether they were dating, married, etc. then gave all of our single guests a +1. It ensured everyone had someone there they could socialize with and nobody got upset that they weren't invited/ weren't given a +1 but someone else was. We had the space, most of our guests were in committed relationships anyways where I wouldn't have felt right not inviting their partner, and it avoided any drama.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Your guest list should be set in stone before you look for venues. Because what happens if you want to invite everyone (say 200 people) but the venue you book only allows 60?


    A plus one is a random stranger invited to entertain n unattached single person. A significant other is a named invitation and it doesn’t matter if they have been together 4 months or 14 years with no desire to become engaged, as long as they consider themselves to be an established couple. It doesn’t matter if you have never met them either. If you don’t know their name, ask to find out. With Covid, there is no excuse that you can’t FaceTime them for 2 minutes during the call with the individual that you do know. Countless people have never met other relatives or friends of their fiancé and that is not valid grounds to bar them from being invited. The exception is when the partner is toxic (abusive/violent/criminal/racist) and then they should not receive an invite. It is disrespectful to ask your guests to celebrate your relationship and discount theirs because you don’t think their partner is “good enough”. Countless posts in the past have mentioned that an invited guest will decline and reevaluate any future outings with the couple when their partner is not invited by name.
    All that said, a random stranger plus one is never required. Contrary to popular belief, it is not disrespectful to ask single unattached guests to bring someone along that you don’t know to entertain them. Often there are space and budget concerns and a random stranger plus one would be the first to be cut in that situation.
    • Reply
  • Helen
    Just Said Yes August 2023
    Helen ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I respectfully disagree with most of these comments and am offering another perspective here in case it’s helpful. Personally, I do not think you have to invite dating significant others who you don’t know or don’t know well. Especially if space and cost are the issue. My fiancé and I each have large families and separate friend groups, plus many mutual friends, none of whom we can cut from the list. Giving everyone a plus one would make the guest list over 300 people, which is beyond our venue capacity and budget. The main thing is to stay consistent. For example, if you’re inviting a cousin’s significant other, invite ALL your cousins’ significant others. On the other hand, if your friend has been dating someone for a few months and you don’t know them or don’t know them well, I don’t see a need to invite that significant other as long as you’re not giving plus ones to other friends in similar situations. You can also have a length of the relationship guideline: if they’ve been dating less than a year, they don’t get an invite, for example. I personally would not be offended not to be invited if I’d been dating someone for a short time. It’s not like these plus ones know you or your fiancé(e) either. Also, I’m sure they can understand that you have constraints and can’t invite everyone, and they wouldn’t want to take a spot away from a good friend.


    A real life example: I had been dating my now fiancé for over 5 years and he was not invited to my cousin’s wedding, despite having met my cousin several times. Was I a little peeved? Sure. But none of my other cousins got to bring their significant others unless they were engaged or married. So I understood because there was a logic to it. Hope this helps.
    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
ReCaptcha Verification failed. Please try again.

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics