Plus One issues

What I wouldn’t do is have my mom address it. We’re all adults here. “No,” is a complete sentence. “No, we cannot accommodate any extra guests.”

How about the sisters that know her well? Maybe they could get through where mom cannot.
Otherwise, there is little choice but to send her a clearly printed short letter, that says, "when we were speaking last, I felt there was a misunderstanding. You referred to bringing someone to our wedding.
That can't happen. We have seat and space limits, due to Covid. You and you alone are invited, with no escort or guest. Please let us know of you still plan to attend, by ____ (date.)"Blunt. As you say you are being pushed. You need to push her out of the way then stand your ground. I have one uncle with the social skills of a rhinocerous. And every occasion he comes up with some new way of being offensive.

View Quoted Comment Tried it, as mentioned. She isn't very receptive to my statements. Which is the point of getting extra support. Being adults, by age, means nothing of maturity factors. She clearly isn't mature enough to accept an answer, she doesn't agree with, from someone younger than her.

How annoying! I think next time she brings it up you need to be assertive and tell her ‘I can appreciate you want to bring a +1 however we have already had to make a number of guest list cutbacks and we don’t have the flexibility of granting you a +1, please respect that’.

If you need to, be assertive with her. Don't let her walk over you because she has some age superiority complex going on.

I would stand your ground and tell her she isn't allowed to bring a +1, and how she has no reason to need a plus one do to the fact that she is going to know everyone there. I'd also point out to her that she is the one who suggested no +1. And that since you guys have decided on it, that you are sticking by your decision. If that doesn't work I'd have your mom or sister say something about it.

I'm so confused. She helped plan the wedding and wanted to bring a +1 but she isn't invited? Are you talking about two different events?

View Quoted Comment Where did I say she helped plan my wedding? Because I didn't. I said she provided a suggestion (aka help) on who would get a plus 1. That's, in no way, helping to plan an entire wedding... FH and I planned our wedding.


And yes, it's 2 events. As stated: I had to postpone my big wedding and opt for a small ceremony on my original date. Only parents/grandparents are coming to the small ceremony- but she says she's coming, when she is NOT invited due to COVID size restrictions right now.

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Yikes, you didn't need to be so combative...

You wrote: "she literally helped me decide how to limit/who would get +1's" That sounded like someone who helped, in some way, plan the wedding. I don't talk about the logistics of my wedding with ordinary guests, so I assumed you were close to her.

You also wrote she would be seated with your sister and know everyone there, which I don't know how you would know if the reception is next year/some other far-off date in the future where guest haven't responded yet/haven't been sent invites.

So yes...I was confused. Best of luck to you.

View Quoted Comment It's not combative to clarify- I didn't say she helped plan, so I clarified that. We are close- she's known me since before I was born (my sister is 15yrs older than me). Being close doesn't mean she helped plan. I'm close with my mom, but she couldn't tell you one detail about my wedding because no one helped plan. At most, offered suggestions when needed.


I postponed the celebration because of COVID, it was supposed to be this month so a lot of the planning was already done- that's why tentative seating charts are done. Also- my sister (and her family) will be attending, as will my aunt, so yeah they're seated together. I can't be the only bride who puts together tentative seating charts, especially for people you know are coming. I don't like being rushed, so having tentative plans drawn up is way easier in the end- even if they need slight tweaks.

I agree your post is confusing (especially, "Everyone is aware and fine with it"; if that were true, you wouldn't be having issues), which makes it hard to give advice. I think your bottom line is that someone who isn't invited to your wedding is insisting on coming AND on bringing a guest.

If you have clearly told her she isn't invited and she doesn't agree/understand/believe you, there's really not much you can do except hire security and bar her from the door. But I would review your communication to her and make sure you have been explicit. No hinting or beating around the bush. Some people cannot understand anything but the most direct language.

You do not know that everyone is aware and is okay with it. In fact, your own post proves that not everyone is okay with it. You shouldn't be judging the importance or seriousness of other people's relationships.

View Quoted Comment First, I'm not judging the importance or seriousness of others relationships. Please explain where you got that from? Because your assumption is both unwarranted and offensive. I have every right to decide who gets a plus 1 and who doesn't at my wedding- I haven't always gotten a plus 1 as a guest either. No one should expect them- they are 100% at the discretion of the bride and groom.


Second, my aunt is not even IN a relationship. She is single. How am I judging the seriousness/importance of her non-existent relationship again? She wants to bring a friend. While I know this friend, they are not invited to my wedding. If I wanted them there they would have gotten their own save the date. Pretty simple.
Third, I couldn't care LESS if anyone is "okay" with my decision to restrict plus 1s. So, let's take that out then. Everyone is aware. Save the Dates were addressed to exactly who is invited. Those given plus 1s had "& Guest". I also have it on my Wedding website FAQ. And have been very blunt with everyone who has asked.
My wedding is small. We are 100% funding it without ANY help. I have to cut costs somewhere and we made the choice to make those cuts with plus 1s. I have cousins who are not invited because we couldn't afford it. So, again, I'm not handing out plus 1s to everyone so feelings aren't hurt. People can get over it. Sorry, not sorry, that I don't want your random boyfriend/girlfriend whom I may have never met...at my wedding.
I didn't ask for judgement, or snarky replies. I asked for advice on HOW to further address this, as I already made several attempts. Thanks though

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By deciding that only certain relationships were worthy of being recognized at your wedding, you were absolutely judging the importance and seriousness of other people's relationships - at an event where you're asking them to celebrate your relationship. You can pretend otherwise, but that's what you're doing. Etiquette - aka good manners - dictates that people in relationships should always be invited together. Inviting only one half of a couple is rude, no matter your excuse. There are other ways to cut costs, ways that are not rude to your guests. You have obligations as a host. If you don't want to be a good host, don't have guests.

It doesn't matter what you asked for. You put your situation out on a public forum; you're going to get a variety of responses. I cannot and will not support the rudeness of only inviting engaged and married couples (leaving aside the whole issue of determining this when the STDs go out rather than when the invitations go out, which is when you should be determining who is in a relationship), and I'm going to let you know that you're breaking etiquette rules and are most likely offending some of your guests and are definitely being rude to those whose relationships you're slighting.