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L
Just Said Yes February 2024

Plus one issue/helllp lol.

LS, on February 6, 2024 at 3:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8
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Hi all,

I am having some issues with plus ones with our non traditional wedding. My fiance and I decided to plan a micro wedding, originally was supposed to be incredibly small, and only the most important, non negotiable people to be invited. We were trying to keep it at 30 guests. The issue is, I have 3 best girl friends that I want to be my bridesmaids. They all have long term partners. At first we were tossing around the idea on not inviting them, but I personally felt I couldn't tell my best friends to leave their SO's home. It feels cheap, and tacky to me. So I made the decision to include them. I will add, two of the SO's I personally know very well, and one that I will definitely build a friendship with because he's marrying my absolute best friend. He just hasn't been around as long as the others. I'll add that we chose a pretty expensive venue. We figured, since we were keeping it small and intimate, having somewhere nice would be worth it.

To complicate things, as time went on we decided that we felt we were missing out on partying with our other close friends. We have a ton that we see pretty close to weekly. So, we decided to be untraditional and open up our guest list for the party portion. To break it down, we will have our original guest list (30) there for the entire wedding: ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, dancing. Then we have an additional 35 guests coming for cake cutting, snacks, open bar and lots of dancing for 3-4 hours. However, now that we have decided to add this, you can imagine how much more expensive this will be. Dinner and open bar for 6 hours is where we're dumping our money into. Is it absolutely absurd to have just my bridesmaids be a part of ceremony, cocktail hour, and dinner...then have their SO's meet us there for the party portion with the rest of our guests coming late? This would cut my cost around $700+.


My 3 girlfriends are the kindest and would probably agree to whatever I'd like, but I want to do what is RIGHT. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings. I will also add, one of the 3 bridesmaids doesn't know anyone else. I can definitely introduce her to my other two GF's, and I have no doubt they will make her feel comfortable and include her. I personally would like to invite them, but I'm trying to find some sort of compromise with my fiance.


thoughts??






8 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on February 22, 2024 at 11:41 PM
  • A
    Amy ·
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    Two tiered receptions are pretty frowned on, so the extra 35 being invited after the meal is pretty tacky to me. That being said, it's extremely bad to not invite your bridesmaid's partners to the entire wedding.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    So, etiquette-wise, tiered receptions are considered impolite, because you're sending the message that some guests are more important than others. This plan is leaving yourself open to hurt feelings. It's "untraditional" because it's considered a faux pas.

    It's also against etiquette to invite one half of a couple but not the other. You're basically saying "come celebrate our relationship while we disrespect yours".

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  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    Yikes. I'm sorry to be blunt, but you're already sending the message to half of your guests that they are an afterthought and they're not good enough/important enough to be included in the main event. To not include the long-term committed partners of your bridesmaids would be pretty unthinkable. Plus ones are for truly single people, not for those in long-term committed relationships. I'd honestly rethink your entire plan...

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  • C
    CM ·
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    While there’s nothing wrong with an extremely intimate ceremony and a large or delayed celebration, you are talking about a tiered reception, actually dividing the reception up between an A and B group. That’s inappropriate and rude as is excluding the long term partners of any guest for any part of the day.


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  • R
    Rockstar June 2018
    Rae ·
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    You should absolutely invite your bridesmaids' significant others. See above responses for tiered reception thoughts :\

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  • LM
    Super December 2022
    LM ·
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    Trust your feelings. If you're uncomfortable with it, it's because it's rude. No sense focusing on the 3 romantic partners when the extra 35 is the main issue. The plan above involves dividing the room in half with those who deserve dinner, and those who desrve "snacks". Also, if you're truly planning for 3-4 hours of dancing, snacks won't cut it. Guests will either get very drunk, or leave to get real food. Please evaluate your intentions. Also, there's nothing wrong with having an intimate wedding hosting beloved guests well and within your budget. Budgets influence everyone's guest list. Or you can extend your engagement until you can afford all of your guests.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    It sounds like you are wanting to have an intimate wedding, and a big party reception. Unfortunately, you are going to have to choose between the two. It would be incredibly rude to not invite people to the ceremony and dinner, but then invite them for the “free” portion of the evening, just to fulfill your desire to party with your friends. All guests need to be treated equally. That is, invited to everything, or nothing at all. What you are describing is a tiered event, which is a huge no-no. It sounds like you and your fiancé need to determine which is more important to you – a small intimate affair, or a larger party with all your friends. If you want the larger event, you can find ways to cut down on costs to include everyone, or push the engagement out a bit longer in order to save enough to properly host everyone. Either way though, everyone’s significant others should most certainly be invited to all aspects of the event.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    In many social circles, this is impolite because you are ranking the importance of guests instead of hosting everyone equally. A plus one is a random person who keeps an unattached single person company and some circles don’t invite them. A significant other is invited by name and it’s not your place as the hosts to judge the validity of their relationship, if they have been together 2 weeks or are common law spouses with no plans to get a ring or anything in between. Essentially you are saying, even if it not your intention, “please come celebrate our relationship but we don’t feel comfortable giving yours the same level of respect”. The lone exception to not inviting a partner that is socially acceptable is when the partner falls under the toxic/dangerous umbrella of abusive, racist, homophobic, violent, and that nature. In that situation, you have to be prepared and accept that they may take out their anger on the person you are close to and want in attendance.


    Adjustments can be made to make sure that everyone is hosted equally, but that may mean altering your vision to stay within budget. For example: instead of filet mignon and champagne for dinner, get some gourmet pizzas or drop off catering from a favorite local casual restaurant and scale back with a variety of mocktails. People are still being fed well for a celebration but not as expensively. Figure out less expensive options for each area to make your existing budget stretch.
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