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Just Said Yes July 2020

Plus one help!!

Kayleigh, on August 18, 2019 at 10:52 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 21

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Tl;dr: should I include plus ones for singles even though I’m trying hard to stick to a small budget? Is it acceptable to say plus ones can only come to reception, not dinner?? If so, how do I word that on invites?

My fiancé and I had originally planned a $15k wedding for 2021. I’m in school full time (also working 30 hours or so a week as a bartender) and he works as a manager for a cleaning company. In order to afford that wedding without taking out any loans, we both had to stick $250 each in a savings account between now and June 2021, even then we were $3k short but my parents would make up for the rest. We were planning on approximately 185 or so when we made a guest list last month. I graduate next June 2020, and we were going to move out together then so that I wasn’t living at home as a college graduate. After realizing how tight money would be if we moved out and still had to pay for the wedding, we decided that we weren’t going to move out together which upset me. Just a few days ago, we decided that we were going to cut our budget in half and move the wedding to next summer 2020 instead so that we could afford to live together, and so that we didn’t have to wait 2 years. The first thing I did to help make this happen was cancel our expensive venue and DJ, both of which have agreed to refund our deposits. Next, I cut down the guest list which included making it a 18+ only wedding which is what I wanted the entire time, and I took out all plus ones for single people. Important note; every person at our wedding will know someone whether it be another friend or they’re part of a family who will be there. I posted on a Facebook wedding group mentioning this, and most people said they didn’t like it or were iffy on the idea of no plus ones because they probably wouldn’t go to that wedding. So today, I added back in the plus ones for the single people and I’m back up to 165 people, which I think is too much for such a limited budget. Our catering is $10 a person plus gratuity so it’s doable, but i’m concerned we’ll go over budget and it’s hard for me to want to pay for people I don’t know. Is it out of the question to say we’re having an “intimate” dinner and that plus ones can join at the start of our reception? I’m concerned that then people would have to take 2 cars which would deter people from coming. Thank you!!

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21 Comments

Latest activity by Sherry, on September 9, 2019 at 11:58 AM

Dedicated September 2019
allisonrose · on August 18, 2019 at 10:58 AM
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Dinner is part of the reception, so no, you cannot tell some people to come after dinner. It’s totally fine to not give plus ones to single people as long as you know that they know people and are going to be comfortable.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on August 18, 2019 at 10:58 AM
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Dinner is part of the reception. It would be extremely rude to tell them that they can’t come to the part that you actually have to pay for. Plus ones aren’t necessary for single guests, but if you can afford it, I would at least offer plus ones to out of town guests and those who won’t know anyone else.
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Just Said Yes July 2020
Kayleigh · on August 18, 2019 at 10:59 AM
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I’ve been to weddings where people were invited to only the reception (after the dinner) so I didn’t think it wasn’t a common thing
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Super October 2021
Suzie · on August 18, 2019 at 11:00 AM
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I would not invite people to the reception but not the dinner, that is just bad etiquette. However, the plus one rule generally applies to people who are in long-term, committed relationships, and generally are both invited by name. You do not need to provide a plus one for every single guest. IMO if my single friends won’t come to my wedding bc they can’t bring a date (that’s is not a legit significant other), then they don’t belong at my wedding anyway. I’ve gone to weddings stag, and they’re still a blast! Just incorporate your single friends in with your other tables so they don’t feel odd at a “singles table.” Sit people based on interests and personalities, and they’ll have a great time!
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Dedicated September 2019
allisonrose · on August 18, 2019 at 11:02 AM
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I’ve never heard of that. I know some people have had a small ceremony and then invited everyone else to the reception. But, dinner IS the reception. That was extremely rude of them to do if that’s true.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on August 18, 2019 at 11:03 AM
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It's generally considered very rude to have a "tiered" wedding/reception (some people are invited to some events, others to all). I would not go that route. On the plus-one issue I think it depends on what you mean by "plus-one." If you are truly talking about a random date, it's fine to eliminate all plus-ones (except for bridal party or VIPs like single parents of the B or G, etc., who should be offered a plus-one as a courtesy since they are your honored guests). But, if you are including your guests actual "significant others," (e.g., boyfriends/girl friends, live-in partners, fiances, spouses), then it would, again, be considered very rude to exclude them. Those people are part of a social unit and should always be invited together. Guest list is one of the toughest parts of planning -- good luck!
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Devoted May 2022
Laree's · on August 18, 2019 at 11:05 AM
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I’m also trying to have a small intimate wedding with a very low budget. My plan is to only invite 60 guests, no children and no plus ones. I’m already getting a lot of grief about no children from some of the family members I’ve mentioned it to. I can’t really do anything about it though as I really don’t have the budget to include them. Also I too only have a few singles but feel the same way, they are either friends with people that will be there or are family so I don’t see it being a big deal. The only person I might give a plus one to is my cousin and that’s because he has to travel to come to my wedding and I don’t think I should make him travel alone. I could be wrong but I feel that it’s acceptable, plus people don’t need to know his girlfriend, I’ve never met, is actually a plus one. Maybe look at the singles that are traveling and offer it to them only. Just a thought.
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on August 18, 2019 at 12:05 PM
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I’m not offering any plus ones, if that will really stop them from attending the wedding then I’d rather they not come. Try to steer clear of tiered receptions because they are a bit rude.
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Champion October 2018
Kelly · on August 18, 2019 at 12:27 PM
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You don’t need to give single people a plus one but anyone in a relationship when your invitations go out needs to be invited by name. So I would remember there’s a possibility of someone who is single now getting in a relationship within the next year.
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Expert November 2020
Cheryl · on August 18, 2019 at 12:29 PM
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It seems like you're feeling some financial strain, as many of us are, so no worries there. I agree with pps that if a person hasn't been seeing someone for a year/living with someone/engaged or married, it's ok not to give them a plus one. You have another option, though. Is it possible to stick to your plan of 2021 instead? I'm unsure if there is a pressing reason for you to get married ASAP? It's not a bad thing to continue to live at home, if you can, to achieve your personal and financial goals, whether or not you're a college graduate. I'm struggling with wedding finances now because I've had to support myself through undergrad and law school as a single person since I was 18 and I'm 36 now. I wish I could've lived at home so I could save money. You may be worried about the optics surrounding it now, but down the road you may thank your younger self for your sacrifices.
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Just Said Yes October 2019
Katie · on August 18, 2019 at 12:42 PM
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I didn’t give plus ones to anyone who wasn’t in a steady relationship, except members of the wedding party (they all got a plus one). Realistically everyone isn’t going to be able to go to your wedding whether you give them a plus one or not. If the single people are going to know other people at the wedding, it will be fine.
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on August 18, 2019 at 1:02 PM
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It’s totally fine to not give plus ones to single people !
its a lot less fine to say they can bring a guest but only after dinner. That sounds weird and confusing and more trouble than it is worth.

We mostly didnt give out plus ones— most of our single friends had their whole friend group around, and same for single family members. The ONLY people we extended a plus one to were the single people that wouldn’t really know anyone and would be traveling for the wedding.
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Expert February 2020
Sara · on August 18, 2019 at 1:03 PM
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It's bad etiquette to invite certain people to only half of the reception because you don't want to pay for them. If you're having an intimate wedding only invite the people you truly want to be there. It's your wedding. You know what your budget is. People will just have to respect that. You don't owe anyone a plus one. If they don't like it..they don't have to come..one less person to pay for. People who truly care about you will come without a plus one.

Personally, the only people I want at our wedding are those who do really care about us. We extended invitations to our entire family plus their children..and very close friends. They all got plus ones. The guest list is huge. We're hoping only the ones we are closest to show up.. If our venue had been more expensive, we would be cutting people for sure.
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Dedicated October 2020
Jackie · on August 18, 2019 at 1:20 PM
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I'm in a similar situation! I plan on giving a plus one to those who have been in a relationship for over a year. As far as inviting the plus one's after dinner - it seems that there is no nice way to put that on a invitation. I would suggest giving a verbal explanation and invitation.
Also, I think that your family and friends (should) understand that paying for school, a house, and a wedding is A LOT of money, and if everyone would know each other at the recpetion then it's okay to not invite plus one's!
If you feel that you NEED plus one's - maybe you can throw a little "after party" after the reception for your friends and family, and allow the plus one's to attend that.
Good luck!
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Savvy August 2019
Brandi · on August 18, 2019 at 4:16 PM
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As said above, the plus ones aren't necessary. I would instead only look at those guests who are in a committed, long term relationship, and then invite their partner by name on the invite. Anyone who doesn't go to your wedding because they cant have a plus one, probably doesn't belong -there anyway!
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on August 18, 2019 at 4:29 PM
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I agree that it would be rude to not include everyone to dinner. Cut the plus ones so you can properly host everyone
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Super July 2020
D · on August 18, 2019 at 4:42 PM
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It depends on what you think is a plus one.
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Expert October 2017
Florida Marlins · on August 18, 2019 at 4:51 PM
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Dinner is part of the reception. What were you going to go? "Florida Marlins, you get to come to dinner, tall your date he can come by after he swings through the Golden Arches?" LOL, please no tired reception. Try to trim down your guest list.
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Master 0000
Judith · on August 19, 2019 at 7:00 AM
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What you are talking about is called a tiered wedding, and is considered totally rude. Casual dates, you do not have to invite. But for established couples, they are invited together. And if you cannot afford to give the same level of food a d service to everyone, it is better to leave a whole bunch of people off your list, than to be rude and say their regular SO cannot come, or will be treated as a lesser person . Invite only 100 people including both halves of any established couple. And treat them well, and equally. Better than a bigger wedding . If a lot of people you invite get angry with you and refused to come, this tiered plan won't enable you to have more guests. People you want will refuse to come. . . A co-worker of mine and her FI decided to not invite people's SO if they did not know them. Everybody told them, you do not get to pass judgement on people's SO they have been with long enough to be exclusive and have a commitment to the relationship . They are a package deal, usual etiquette. 3 weeks from their wedding, and they are bringing their hands, just over 200 invited. And less than 80 coming. In addition to the usual people declining , more than 60 people in relationships where they did not invite the SO responded they were not coming without girlfriend or boyfriend. The majority of their school friends, extended family, and old hometown friends they live far enough from not to have gotten to know current SO, they did not invite them. All staying home. It is not a new thing. People who care about each other, consider themselves a couple, may not marry for years, or ever. Some people never want to marry. But they get angry when you show no respect for their SO, or the fact that they present themselves to the world as a couple, and you reject one of them .
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Devoted February 2020
idosoon · on September 9, 2019 at 11:48 AM
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Reception and dinner should be treated as one thing. gonna be hard to have people in and out during this time frame unless you have some type of natural break. Imagine walking into the "dancing" portion of the night and seeing folks finishing up their dinner after a wedding.

Are you going to tell them they don't get dinner? Because I would start asking "how do I order, sorry i'm late"
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